Page 104 of All for Love

KODY

Ihad no idea what this was about, but even while we were fighting, a few minutes alone with Kaden was better than being in that godforsaken house right now. We walked out to the solarium and he raised one of the sides before heading over to the chest of drawers under the counter where Dad kept a box of cigars.

Neither of us said a word as he offered me one, cut it, and held out a lighter. We sparked up, but he still didn’t say anything.

It suited me just fine. I leaned against the railing, wondering if maybe he was just cutting me a break. Maybe he’d simply seen how much I’d needed to get out of there and had decided to give me an out. Even if just for a few minutes.

The night air was fucking freezing, though. If we stayed out here with the side open for too long, our balls were going to turn into popsicles, but at least the heaters were still on. It helped, even if it wouldn’t save our testicles for any extended length of time.

Kaden slowly blew out a plume of smoke with a thoughtful expression on his face before he turned his head to look at me. He was still standing with his back to the doors and his front facing the garden, but at least he was looking at me now.

“Did you mean what you said earlier about having a broken heart?”

I puffed and nodded, frowning when I realized that this wasn’t just about giving me a break. He’d brought me out here to talk about Mercedes and me. Again. Fuck.

“Yeah, I did. Why? What about it? Am I not allowed to have a broken heart now? It’s not like I keep going on about it.”

Kaden shook his head, interrupting the argument I’d been about to make before I’d even really started making it. “So you really are in love with her, then?”

My frown deepened. “You know I am. I don’t throw that word around lightly. Say what you need to say, brother. Get it all out, but then it’s my turn. She and I are over, but both of our hearts really are broken. Keep that in mind before you start laying into me again.”

I searched for any hint of judgment in his eyes, and he searched mine for any trace of a lie. He finally let out a heavy breath, and I knew he’d seen the truth. “I thought it was a fling.”

“Yeah, I know. So did I at first. You’ve known for a while now that it was more than that, though. Why do you look so surprised?”

“Because I’m only just starting to realize that it’s more than just a hookup. I know we talked about it before and I heard what both of you were saying, but think about it from my point of view. It wasn’t so long ago that you guys hated each other’s guts, then suddenly you fell into bed together, and not long after that, you did it again.”

“So?”

“So?” He kept looking at me. The blue of his eyes was darker and more turbulent than I’d seen them in a long time. He looked almost guilty for some reason. “So I thought it was just an easy hookup for you, you know? Like you were just using her.”

“Okay, but then I told you it wasn’t just that. In fact, you’re the one who told me I was in love with her.”

“Yeah, but you said you weren’t sure. You said maybe. And it’s you. I figured that it had to just be the fact that you couldn’t have her and that it’d blow over. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but it’s true. I honestly didn’t think there was anything else to it.”

“There was.”

He exhaled deeply through his nostrils, staring into my eyes for another long moment before he nodded. “Yeah, that’s why I asked you to come out here with me. I had no idea you had real feelings for this girl, but something about tonight opened my eyes. I’ve never seen two people look more fucking depressed than you guys tonight.”

I snorted, shaking my head. “We’re doing our best, but it’s too fresh. Either way, I wouldn’t have put the family in a position like this for a fling. I sure as hell wouldn’t have told anyone about it, at least.”

I paused for a moment. “I wouldn’t have done it to Mercedes, either. She’s too special for that, and she’s already all torn up about this. It broke her, man. It broke her just as much as it broke me, but we’re here and we’re trying to get through it.”

Kaden turned away from me, contemplative once more. He kept nodding slowly, over and over again. “I know we’ve been on opposite sides of all this, but can you please stop being so defensive? I didn’t bring you out here to argue or to attack you. I’m trying to understand. Help me out for a minute.”

“I want to, but I honestly don’t even know how,” I grumbled. “I’m not trying to be defensive. It just feels like you and I can’t talk logically or calmly about this.”

“Well, try.” He took another puff of his cigar and tipped his head back to blow circles with the smoke. “How about you tell me what it is about her that you’re so drawn to. Enough that you were willing to risk it all for her.”

My eyebrows jerked up. “Is this really because you’re trying to understand, or are you just gathering ammo for the next round?”

“There doesn’t have to be a next round,” he said thoughtfully. “Just tell me, would you? Why her when you’ve never given anyone else the time of day?”

I thought it over for a beat. Kaden and I hadn’t managed to find any common ground about this, but right now, he seemed genuine. Plus, he was still my brother. Still my twin. If I couldn’t make him understand or convince him that my feelings for her were real, I didn’t stand a chance with anyone else.

Ultimately, that was what it had come down to. I knew that we couldn’t be together, and as much as I hated it, I was letting her go, but it seemed important for at least Kaden to understand what it was costing us. Even if only so that he would understand why I wouldn’t be here for Christmas next year and would probably skip every other holiday too until I stopped feeling like I was being skinned alive when I saw her.

“I see this strength in her that I just don’t have,” I said honestly. “Kindness in her soul that makes me want to be a better man. Does that make sense, that she’s hard and soft all at the same time in all the right ways?”