Page 87 of I’m Already Gone

Without warning, Ollie dashes by me and pulls on Ethan’s shirt. “It’s okay,” he whispers, his little voice so pure. “Mama wants this. Remember, you said we have to make her happy.”

Ethan scoops Ollie into his arms, crushing him against his chest, and buries his face in his hair. His body shakes with silent, heart-wrenching sobs.

I can hear my three-year-old son murmuring reassurances that everything will be okay. I turn away, the edges of my vision blurring, trying not to break down. It hurts in the deepest part of my soul to witness my children in distress while my ex-husband seeks comfort from a preschooler.

Ethan takes a moment to gather himself, his eyes red-rimmed and the skin around them swollen. He peers down at me, his lips forming a deep frown, and sorrow darkens his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Sunshine.”

“Please don’t apologize, Ethan,” I whisper, my throat constricting. “It’s okay. Really.” I extend my hand toward his, and he bends down, his lips meeting mine in a tender, lingering kiss.

I close my eyes, lost in the familiar sensation as I savor the moment. His lips are soft and gentle, igniting those butterflies in my stomach that I thought had long since faded.

He pulls away and lifts the clippers back to my head. Ollie seizes the chance to grasp my hand firmly. “I’ll hold your hand, Mommy.”

I manage a shaky smile. “Thank you, baby.”

He settles down in front of me, still clutching my hand. Meanwhile, Ethan shaves away my hair.

I keep my eyes fixed on the shimmering surface of the pool to keep me distracted.

Suddenly, Ollie shifts, pulling my attention downward. That’s when I see it—my golden strands pooling around me like autumn leaves. In that instant, the fragile band holding my emotions together snaps completely, and tears flow down my cheeks.

I fought so hard to remain strong for my children, for Ethan, yet watching a part of who I am slip away isn’t something I thought I would ever experience.

The whir of the clippers dies down, and a breeze washes over my naked head, a reminder that my hair is gone.

Ollie leaps to his feet and envelops me in a hug. “Don’t cry, Mama. It’s okay. You’re still beautiful.”

Ethan sniffles and inhales unsteadily. “Yes, she is. She will always be beautiful.” He places his hands on the sides of my face, his lips brushing my bare scalp for a moment longer than necessary. “My Sunshine.”

My shoulders tremble with the force of my silent sobs. I reach for his hands and hold onto him tightly. He encircles me with his arms, drawing me close to him, and buries his face in the curve of my neck. “Always beautiful,” he whispers against my skin.

Jake and Maddy join us, wrapping their arms around me. I hold them tight, pressing them close, trying to absorb their warmth and love.

“I love you so much,” I tell them, showering kisses all over their heads, cheeks, and hair.

Jake and Ethan step backward, clippers in hand. I tilt my head in confusion.

They shoot each other a look, an unspoken understanding passing between them. I open my mouth to ask what the heck is going on, but they lift the clippers at the same time before I have a chance.

My eyes widen in panic.

“No!” I shout, but it’s too late.

With mischievous smiles on their faces, they begin at the temples, the blades pulling away strips of hair, exposing the pale skin beneath. They take their time, each soft strand falling away piece by piece.

“Oh my God! Why would you do that?” I exclaim, a mix of laughter and tears spilling from me.

A flicker of light catches my eye, and I steal a glance to the side. Maddy’s lips curl into a watery smile, and she snaps pictures with her phone.

“I told you, Lily,” Ethan says. “You are not doing this alone. We are with you every step of the way.”

My heart swells at his words.

I watch as they share a few soft laughs, the clippers buzzing, tackling the last bits on the sides, then work their way to the back of their heads. As the final strands fall, Ethan takes a deep breath, running a hand over his buzz cut. Jake mirrors him, his eyes wide.

“Wow. It feels weird,” Jake says, looking directly at me. “Hey, Mom! We’re twins now!” He throws his hand in the air, laughter bursting out of him.

Jake comes and stands in front of me, and I run my fingers over his freshly shaved head. “You still look handsome,” I whisper.