Page 122 of I’m Already Gone

I glance up at the clock above the window. Jake’s been holed up in his room for over an hour now. I turn on my heel, heading up to the second floor.

I reach Jake’s room, a song by Creed heard through the wood.

My knuckles rap against the door. “Jake?” I call out.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

There’s a pause before he replies. “Yeah.”

I twist the knob and push the door open. Jake is sitting on the bed, his back against the headboard.

“This sucks, Dad.”

A heavy sigh escapes me. “I know it does, Jake.”

“It’s not fair.”

“I get it.”

“I’m sorry for losing my cool earlier, for swearing. Dad, I didn’t mean⁠—”

I raise my hand, stopping him. “I understand why you’re upset.”

He nods, swallowing hard. “How come you’re not upset?” he asks quietly.

I lock eyes with my son, grappling with how in the world I can help him through this. Will I be strong enough to play both parental roles? Especially since Lily has always been the emotional anchor?

“Dad?” His voice breaks through my spiraling thoughts.

“I am upset that your mother is suffering. I love her with every piece of me. But I have to stay strong for her, for you, Maddy, and Ollie.”

Jake leans back, staring blankly at the ceiling. After a moment, he murmurs, “We can be strong for you.”

That simple statement hits me like a punch to the gut. I squeeze my eyes shut, bowing my head as tears spill down my cheeks. I try to hide behind my hands, shielding my vulnerability, but it’s too late. Suddenly, I feel Jake beside me as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. Without thinking, I pull him in close.

“I—I ca—can’t lo—lose her, Dad,” Jake chokes out, his words interrupted by a hiccup. His entire frame wracks with violent shivers, like an earthquake.

“I know,” I croak, the words tearing at my throat.

Neither can I. My fear is that the best part of me will die along with my Sunshine. Because I’m afraid I will not survive without her.

Ethan

We pull up to the baby-blue beach house, the air thick with the smell of salt and the sound of waves rolling in. The cottage went to Lily after our divorce, and I haven’t been back in four years. It pained me to hear she was going to transfer it back to me after she… I inhale deeply and push the thoughts aside. I can’t even bring myself to say the word because I’m still not ready to accept it. But how can I ignore that I see Lily diminishing a little more each day?

“Yay! We’re here!” Ollie cheers, unbuckling his seatbelt with uncontainable excitement.

“Hang on, buddy,” I remind him, turning off the car.

“I got him, Dad,” Jake replies, already out of the car and rushing to open his door.

“I can’t wait to go snorkeling!” Maddy says while climbing out of the backseat.

Lily leans back against the headrest, a faint smile gracing her lips, though her skin is paler than usual. I try not to dwell on how exhausted she looks.

“It’s been so long since we’ve been here as a family,” she murmurs, her eyes reflecting a bittersweet nostalgia.