Page 69 of On Your Knees

“Me too.”

TWENTY-FOUR

Levi

I wake alone in the big, comfortable bed. The sunlight showing around the edges of the curtains tells me that it’s still daytime. I sit up, hoping for some sign of Ethan, but he’s gone. I get out of bed and go into the bathroom.

While I’m washing my face, I get the edges of the bandages wet. I pick at them. They’re not necessary. The cuts aren’t that bad. I obviously didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I even did it. It was so dumb.

Tears fall on my hands as I peel the bandages off. I’m so embarrassed.

I mean, I have thought about this before. Doing this. But never seriously. This wasn’t serious either. I swipe at my eyes.

One of the cuts is a little bad, so I put a new, smaller bandage over it. I wash my face again then comb my hair back. It looks bad. My face looks bad too with my eyes all red.

I leave the bathroom because I don’t want to see it.

There are two bags on the bench at the foot of the bed. I look inside and find mostly clothes but other essentials too, plus a pair of running shoes. It looks like everything is for me, and it makes me uncomfortable to think of Patrick looking at stuff and picking it for me.

I pull on a pair of black joggers and a navy sweatshirt that will cover my arms, then I make my way through the house, heading back to the kitchen. It’s a very cool house. It looks like it belongs to an artist. It looks like Ethan spends more time here than at his penthouse. But I didn’t even know about this place. I don’t know anything about him. It doesn’t feel that way when I’m with him, but apart, it’s obvious.

I still don’t know what’s going on. Everything fell apart when he went to the church, but I don’t know why.

I can smell something like spaghetti sauce cooking before I reach the kitchen, and I can hear the low hum of Ethan’s and Patrick’s voices. I peer around the corner, wondering if I should go back, but Ethan sees me instantly. He’s standing with his back to the counter, drinking coffee in his black sweats and gray T-shirt, while Patrick, with a black apron over his jeans and white T-shirt, is chopping something.

Ethan’s expression jumps from mostly relaxed to intense and questioning as he comes walking my way. I’m not sure why, but I shrink back. Usually, I like his intensity, but right now I don’t feel up to it.

Something about waking up alone put me in a different headspace. I’m embarrassed and alone, and I feel like I should stay that way. I feel like I deserve it.

But then Ethan grabs onto me and pulls me in tight. I put my arms around him too and close my eyes. He’s warm and solid and so much stronger than me. He doesn’t ask anything or say anything. He just holds on until I reorient to him.

Then I remember that he came to find me. He figured out where I was because he understands me. He’s paid attention. He… cares about me.

It’s enough. It’s more than I’ve ever had. So I don’t know why I still feel like something essential is missing.

But it’s enough, and cling to it. To him.

When I relax, Ethan pets my hair. “Do you want coffee?”

“Sure.”

I walk with Ethan back to where he left his cup and the insulated carafe. I stand on the other side of Ethan, letting him shield me from Patrick, who’s only about five feet away.

I can’t get comfortable with Patrick. I know it’s dumb. He’s done nice things for me, but I still feel like he doesn’t like me. I’m sure he doesn’t want me with Ethan. I’m sure he wishes I weren’t here.

It’s bad enough being the third person in this room, but then Ethan leaves to go to the fridge, which is in the pantry. Suddenly, there’s nothing between me and Patrick but five feet of empty space and a whole lot of stark contrast.

Patrick is dominant and confident. He’s working with quiet purpose while I’m fidgeting. He’s handsome, and despite the bit of gray at his temples, he doesn’t look old. He looks dignified and elegant. He looks like someone who belongs with someone like Ethan.

Still chopping green onions, Patrick glances at me. “Did the shoes fit?”

“I, um, didn’t try them on yet.”

“Let me know when you do. I can get you something else.”

“Okay. Thanks. For getting things for me.”

“No problem.”