Page 160 of Loyalty

But it still hurt.

It still worried her.

Then, John’s words came out in a ramble. A mess of thoughts and feelings that Siena could only stand there and listen to, but not do much else. It was more than he had said to her in a long while.

Too long, really.

She thought it was probably the most honest thing he had said in a long while, too.

“The bitch kept messing with my meds,” he said. “First it was I needed to try this, and then try that. Up this dose, and then lower that dose. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. All the meds put me in this goddamn fog that I couldn’t get out of. I would be sleeping twelve hours a day, and I could barely think when I was awake. I told her—I told her again, and then I would tell her again, but all she would do was tell me to give it time. Like I had to let the fucking meds do what they had to do, and let them settle. She wasn’t even fucking giving them time to settle.”

John scrubbed a hand down his face. “She didn’t seem to want to fucking listen to me when I said the one was enough. The Lithium worked for me for the last three years when I was in lockup. She kept saying this wasn’t lock up. I felt like her fucking lab rat.”

Siena came a little bit closer to him, being careful and mindful in her steps. She didn’t reach out, or try to touch him despite how much she wanted to. And oh, how she wanted to.

Her heart ached for her to touch him.

Her fingers itched to feel him.

All of her wanted all of him.

Even like this.

“Back when I went after my sister, I was without my meds for a little while,” he continued, shaking his head with a bitter laugh. “It’s strange how your own head fucks with you—makes you think you’re okay without the meds because you feel better for a split second. I got back after going after Lucia, and I wasn’t in a fog. So, I started dropping the cocktail of meds the bitch kept feeding me.”

“John,” she said, “please let me help you. I love you. You know that, don’t you? You have to know I love you.”

John’s hazel gaze drifted to her. “Do you?”

“You think that I can’t?”

“I think that maybe you shouldn’t.”

“I do.”

John reached for her then, and his arms wrapped around her. He dragged her close. There, in his embrace, she was happy again. They were fine again.

It would only last a moment.

It would never last forever.

It couldn’t.

“I love you,” he murmured against her forehead.

That was enough for Siena.

That was all she needed.

It made everything else worth it.

• • •

John kept Siena close to his side as they headed in a restaurant that looked to be in the midst of renovations. She didn’t recognize the business, and since she was always aware of when her father or brothers bought a new business, she knew this one didn’t belong to the Calabrese.

“Neutral grounds,” John said, as though he could read her mind. “This belongs to a Donati man. They agreed to allow the Marcello and Calabrese families to gather here for this meeting. That way, no one is stepping on anyone else’s toes here, so to speak.”

Siena nodded. “Makes sense.”