Page 99 of Letting Go at 40

Lynlee shrugs.

“Tell me about your teacher.”

“She’s pretty and I like when she reads stories and does different voices.”

Offering her a smile, I say, “That is good. What’s your favorite part of the day in school?”

She shrugs again as she draws pictures on the children’s menu. I know she likes learning her letters and doing projects that help kids reinforce what a letter is and how they look.

“What are you drawing?”

“Today we learned about the letter V. The bottom of a heart is shaped like a V.” Lynlee draws one to prove her point. “Miss Kelsey says that families mean love no matter what shape or size your family is.”

Puzzled by this response, I ask, “What did she mean by no matter what size or shape?”

“Some families have a mommy and a daddy, but some families only have one. A mom or a dad. And some families have two mommies or two daddies. And some even have two mommies and two daddies.”

Trying to calculate that out in my head, I assume the teacher means stepparents.

“And some people might live with grandparents, but no one in my class does. Although one girl lives with her aunt.”

“Ah.” I swallow a question I’ve been wanting to ask wondering how to ask. How would Lynlee feel about another mom?

“What would you think if Daddy ever married? If you had another mom.”

Lynlee looks up at me, eyes wide. “I miss Mommy.”

“I know, baby girl.” I reach out for her hand and cover it. “And no one else will ever be your mom.” Thank God. “But what if I married a woman? She’d be one of those two mommies that some of your friends have.”

“I don’t want two mommies, though,” Lynlee admits as panic settles into her voice. Something in me wonders if her fear isn’t so much me marrying but a repeat of the mother she had, even if she misses Samantha. Also, realizing I’m botching up what I’m trying to ask I decide to let it rest. Maybe I’ll talk to Lynlee’s therapist about this topic.

I glance down at the paper before Lynlee and notice she’s drawn three people and working on a fourth.

“Who are you drawing?”

“That’s you.” She points at a stick figure with some crazy curly hair.

“And this is me.” A shorter figure with straight hair that comes to the edge of the too-large head.

“And this is Anna.” The image is proportionate to the copy of me but with long wavy hair.

Lynlee is in the middle of the picture, and Anna and I are apparently holding her hands.

“And who are you drawing next?”

“Mila will be here.” Lynlee points to the person she’s started next to Anna. “And Bryce will go over here.” Lynlee taps at the empty space next to my stick person.

“Why there?” I’m only curious.

“Boys on one side. Girls on the other. It’s how we line up to walk in the hallway.”

She pauses concentrating on her drawing a second. “Love starts with the same letter as my name, Miss Kelsey told me, and love also has the letter V inside it. A heart in the word.”

I can’t seem to take my eyes off her drawing. “Anna has one more boy in her family. Remember Calvin? He has dark hair and went back to college.”

Lynlee pauses a second. “We’re all part of Anna’s family.”

The comment hits me hard and I sit back, blinking at my child. “Who told you that?”