Page 97 of Letting Go at 40

“Friends who kiss?” Mila gags.

On one hand, I want to applaud my daughter’s revulsion. Yes, don’t kiss until you are much, much older. On the other hand, if she’s talking special friends and vomiting at the thought, she’s aware that people who like each other kiss.

“I guess so.” I can’t fight the smile despite the severity of this conversation. “One day, you’ll understand.”

“I understand now. You want to kiss him.” Her face wrinkles up.

“Then if you understand now, I need you to act like a young woman and not a sulking child. People who like each other kiss each other.”

“So, you like him? Like, like him like him?” Mila shifts again, twisting her body and sitting upright.

“Yes.” The desire to smile once more is a battle I struggle against. I can’t help the tingle inside but want to remain firm with Mila.

“Did you know Lorna has a crush on Bryce?” Mila shivers. “She thinks that because they are going to high school next year, he’s going to fall in love with her.”

I don’t point out that Lorna is still young and will likely crush on many more boys.

Mila scoffs. “She’s only going to be a freshman. Bryce will be a senior. Plus, we’re like cousins now.”

“Well, not blood related. Remember? Lorna is Logan’s daughter with a different mom. But yes, still family.”

“So, they shouldn’t be together?”

Oh boy, this is getting complicated. “Well, between you and me, I think Lorna is a little young for Bryce. He’s going to be focused on going to college and not interested in someone three years younger than him. But we don’t want to hurt Lorna’s feelings and tell her Bryce won’t ever like her.”

“But he won’t.”

“Actually, we don’t know that. Only Bryce knows.”

“Hey Bryce,” Mila yells.

I cover her mouth. “I don’t think this is really a discussion for you and Bryce. And I also don’t think it’s your business who Bryce or Lorna likes.” I give her a warning glare. It isn’t her place to decide who likes who or who dates who. “You wouldn’t want people telling you who you can and cannot like.”

“I don’t like anyone.” Mila sighs, falling back on her pillow and staring up at the ceiling.

I want to tell her to stay innocent and ignorant of boys until you are in your thirties. However, I chuckle to myself knowing that won’t ever be a hard fast rule. I can’t stop her from falling in love any more than I can stop myself.

Am I falling in love?

The question isn’t one I can answer as I stare down at my frustrated child. One on the verge of being a young adult but not ready to cross that line yet. Next school year will be hard when Lorna is in high school, and Mila will still be in eighth grade. Sadly, I predict a separation in their friendship by age, school building, and boy interests.

“Lorna says that Autumn was in love with her dad when she was a kid. In love with her brother’s best friend. So, she thinks it’s okay to be in love with her best friend’s brother. Since I’m her best friend and that brother is Bryce . . . just ew.” Mila huffs, staring at the ceiling, still fixated on this issue. “I’m never going to fall in love with someone’s brother.”

I curl my lips inward, fighting another chuckle. She can’t predict the future any better than me, but I’d wager she’s going to fall for someone, and he might be someone’s brother.

“I don’t think you need to worry about that yet,” I say, covering her kneecap and giving her a squeeze.

“But you’re falling in love with Mason.”

I can’t keep up with the mind of a twelve-year-old girl, even if I once was one. I don’t remember the circling thoughts and confusion about boys and love.

I just know, one day I fell in love.

That boy died when he was a man.

And I’m possibly falling in love again.

“We do like each other. A lot.” Was I wrong to hold off on explaining how strongly I felt about Mason? It didn’t feel right to declare my emotions to anyone but him first.