Page 85 of Letting Go at 40

Christmas passed with too many presents for my little girl. Her newfound family spoiled her, making up for all the years they hadn’t known her.

Zack and River bought her a bike since they bought new ones for the boys.

Logan and Autumn gave her a dollhouse.

Even Jenna and Archer gifted her a new doll.

However, the gift from Anna meant the most. It was a heart-shaped pendant made from a Petosky stone on a chain. Petosky stones are unique to the Great Lakes, found mostly on Michigan shores. The rock is recognizable for its sunburst impressions which are highlighted when the stone is wet or polished.

For strength and bravery, the card read.

Throughout our Christmas together, Lynlee would touch the stone at her throat or pull it forward on the chain to look at it.

My heart swelled three times that day, like the damn Grinch, only for different reasons.

I was absolutely in love with Anna.

And the only way I knew to express myself was by touching her, which didn’t seem to be allowed. We stood close to one another. I might press a hand to her lower back. She might brush a palm down my arm. But holding her, kissing her, hadn’t happened in the weeks since my move.

The tension was driving me mad.

+ + +

On New Year’s Eve, we didn’t make it to midnight in our party plans.

Was this a sign we were getting old?

Earlier we’d celebrated the coming year at Zack and River’s home, but as kids started petering out, couples separated. Logan and Autumn went home with Baby Ben, Lorna and Mila. Anna followed me to the apartment as Lynlee dropped off when I carried her the short walk from next door.

Anna pulls down the covers on Lynlee’s bed, and I lay down my sleepy girl before tugging off her shoes. Immediately, she curls to her side and tucks her knees to her chest. I brush back her dark hair and press a kiss to her temple, quietly telling her, I love her. The words come easier each time I say them.

Anna lovingly looks down at Lynlee as well before I nod for us to exit the room.

The garage apartment has two bedrooms with a living area and galley kitchen separating them. A bathroom is to the left of the small kitchen and closest to the larger bedroom which has a king-sized bed. In the living area, two well-worn red couches sit at right angles facing a flat screen television on a short stand.

“Want to stay?” I nervously ask as Anna heads to the door.

“Do you want me to?” She stops quick, turning to face me but cautious in asking.

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.” A smile eases onto my face and Anna responds in kind.

“It’d be nice not to go into the house alone, although I couldn’t care less about it turning into a new year,” she comments.

Her boys are both out tonight, much to Anna’s dismay. She strictly told them to stay in place wherever they were going. Dark roads on a night like this are dangerous when other people have been celebrating too much.

“Not a fan of New Year’s?” I tilt my head, wondering.

“I’m a teacher. The new year starts in August for me.”

“Ah.” I pause and tuck my hands into my back pockets. Why the fuck am I so nervous? “I never even thought about champagne, but I have wine.”

“Wine sounds perfect.”

Anna helps herself to a seat in the middle of one couch while I round it to the tight kitchen area, uncork a bottle of red wine, and pour us each a glass. Anna clicked on the television to the national celebration in New York City, however, the volume remains low on the set.

“What should we drink to?” she asks, surprising me as I hand her the glass and take a seat on the couch, sitting close to her.

“To a new year,” I joke.