Page 77 of Letting Go at 40

“But with Mason?” Guilt has me opening my eyes and questioning my sister-in-law. A woman I consider one of my best friends.

“Why not with Mason?”

“Isn’t it wrong in some way?”

“Does it feel wrong?” A gleam twinkles in Autumn’s eyes. A grin grows on her face. “Because that kiss didn’t look like anything wrong to me.”

“It didn’t feel wrong,” I admit as heat covers my cheeks. Hesitantly glancing at Autumn, I quickly look away and add, “It felt good.”

Unable to stop myself, I continue. “I feel alive when he touches me. I feel somehow . . .” I wave a hand around my torso. “Whole.”

Mason is filling some of the voids inside me. My heart is riddled with holes but this, this emptiness inside, is slowly closing.

Autumn softly smiles. “I understand. I really do.” Autumn had a series of long-term relationships. Most included living with a guy who took advantage of her kindness and left her footing the bills. She’d had a crush on Logan most of her life and when that crush was finally acted upon sparks flew.

“Can I offer some advice?”

I nod, eager to know what to do about all these feelings for Mason conflicting with how I think I should feel or behave or act.

“Stop thinking about Ben.”

My head snaps upward and I stare at Autumn, eyes rapidly blinking. “I’ll never stop.”

“I don’t mean stop loving him. Deep down inside, you’ll always love him. But I mean stop thinking about him. His reaction to this. Or his feelings. Or even what Ben might think. This is your life, Anna. You need to think about you. How do you feel? What do you want?”

What did I want? I didn’t have all the answers. But one thing I knew with growing certainty was I didn’t want to not kiss Mason. I didn’t want him to date other women. I wanted to explore whatever this was with him. Maybe he was a passing phase—like his need to have the girl he never had—but I didn’t want the phase to pass without digging into it and learning more about myself, if nothing else.

“Just do me a favor,” Autumn adds, reaching for my wrist and giving it a tender squeeze. “Be gentle with Mason’s heart.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” My voice is soft, filled with the concern I might hurt him. And he might hurt me, but I don’t think I’m able to stop the desire to discover more of who we are. “I wish I could explain what this is between us.”

Autumn softly chuckles. “This is years of Mason pining for you. And maybe a little crush on your part.”

“I never had a crush on Mason.” Quick to defend myself, I dismiss Autumn’s mention of Mason pining for me. I was never unfaithful to Ben in body or thought.

Autumn laughs a little fuller. “Come on, Anna. Have you seen Mason? Everyone’s had a crush on him.”

“But I never intended to act on it.” The truth whittles away at me. Had I always been a little attracted to Mason on some level? Perhaps maybe physically. However, for years, I’d built a resistance based on how he acted toward me. Based on his history with other women. Based on his attitude and actions in general. But once I got to know him on a deeper level, once I saw his dedication to friendship in a new light, everything began to shift.

That’s always how it happens when we trip. We don’t see the crack in the sidewalk. We don’t notice the ice on the pavement. And then, we are falling.

Mason slipped into the chasm in my heart. He tripped up all I’d known about him. He slicked over the rough patches and showed me he was something more.

“No one is going to accuse you of ever doing anything nefarious with Mason in the past. But the only direction you can look now is forward.” Autumn squeezes my hand again. “Ben loved you, Anna. I love you. We both want you to be happy.”

“Mason makes me happy.” The truth is quiet while startling as I admit it aloud. When I think back on my days in the past year or more, the brightest moments include the times I’m talking to him or receive a text. The little things have been so big. His kindness. His patience.

“I can’t define what we’re doing.” I swallow. “I don’t think I’d be comfortable with everyone knowing until Mason and I know what we’re doing. Does that make sense?” I tip my head toward the door, implying the rest of our friends. “It might be weird for them.”

“I get it. I really do. But I don’t know that I can keep this from Logan. However, I have a suspicion he won’t be surprised to learn something is happening between you and Mason.”

“Why? Has he said something?” My heart races, eager to know more. Anxious like a teenage girl wanting to know if her crush is reciprocated.

Mason has kissed a lot of women. He has experience in keeping his emotions separate from action. I’m not that type of woman. My actions are a reaction to emotion. I want him. I want him to kiss me and touch me because I feel things about him.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about where Mason is concerned. That’s why I’m giving the warning to be kind to his heart. If you’re using him, don’t. We will find you another man to practice with.”

“Practice?” I choke.