Page 74 of Letting Go at 40

“I’ll always love you,” I say a little louder, feeling foolish while accepting I’ve done this in the past. I’ve spoken aloud as if Ben can hear me. Maybe he can. I blink to clear the sudden prickle behind my eyes.

Another breeze blows over me and I wrap my arms around my knees, clutching the heart shaped stone in my hand.

“You saw something in him, I didn’t at first. He’d been your friend. He stood by your side, and he helped you when I didn’t have the strength to do so myself.” I swipe at the tear slipping down my nose. Slowly, my eyes and heart have opened to who Mason is. How he is good at his core. How he’s devoted. How he’s human. He made mistakes but he is willing to right them, and he works hard so they don’t happen again. He’s shown how greatly he could love. And he had loved Ben.

“But now I see him for who he is.” I suck in air, willing away tears while a faint smile curls my lips thinking of Mason. “And I think you might understand.”

Ben might have been the greatest love of my life, and I was so blessed. However, the idea of loving again was seeping into my heart, filling up some of the emptiness.

“In so many ways, I’ll never let you go. But in order to live, I need to let someone else in.”

The trees around me rustle. The wind remains gentle. If I take it all as a sign, it’s tender empathy.

Then the breeze stops. The bare trees still. Even the lake feels like it’s holding its breath, and there is nothing. No sense of Ben.

A finality rings in the silence.

“Goodbye, my love,” I whisper but there’s no response in the air. No sound from the winter-bare trees. Not even a speck of sand skitters over the beach.

Ben has let me go.

+ + +

“Mason?” I stare at him as he stands on my front stoop. It’s almost midnight. “I thought tonight was your date.”

Bitterness fills my voice at the thought of him with Jenna. As much as I love her, as much as I want her happy, the idea of her dating Mason did not settle well inside me.

“It was.” Mason steps forward and I step back as he fills my space. He closes the front door, but I’m still frozen in the entryway, surprised by his appearance. Despite the late hour, he’s dressed in a suit. I’d learned he and Jenna were attending a fundraiser together.

“Where are the kids?” Mason asks, crowding me in, towering over me until my back is to the front door.

“Bryce is at a friend’s. Mila is spending the night with Lorna.”

“Perfect,” Mason mutters, eyes intense. His hands cup my face before I can question what’s perfect. Ensnared by him, I don’t speak as his mouth descends, taking its time to kiss me soft and sweet until I can’t breathe. Until I can’t keep this tame.

I fist the lapels of his jacket, tugging him closer to me. Our mouths move together, discovering one another. A rush of excitement ripples down my center.

Kissing Mason is different.

Kissing Mason is more.

I can no longer deny that I’ve wanted this moment. I’ve wanted his mouth on mine, taking from me what I’ve been desperate to give him.

As he tilts my head, the kiss deepens. Tongues seek. The touch is like a current to my center. I can’t get close enough to Mason, pressing my body flush to his. And all the while, his hands continue to cup my face, fingers stroking at my jaw, keeping our mouths connected.

“Mason,” I eventually groan. Nipples tingling. Center pulsing. I want to be closer and yet I don’t want to break this kiss.

“Just kiss me, Anna.” His mouth moves, taking a different angle. His lips sucking the swells as if he can memorize each curve and dip of my lips with the mold of his mouth. I’ve never been kissed like this. This consuming sensation threatening to swallow me whole if I’m not careful.

Mason said we should have sex. Get it out of our system. Maybe he feels it will sever the obligation he has to me. Maybe he knows I’ve been leaning in this direction for too long.

Gently, I press his shoulders. My head drowning in thought. My heart racing.

“What are you doing here? You had a date tonight.” I remind him with acid on my well-kissed tongue.

“And there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to kiss goodnight.” He moves in for my mouth again. Kissing me whole. Kissing me replete. “There is only you, Anna. Only you for me.”

His forehead tips against mine, and his hands remain on my face as if fighting the pull to lower and take more from me. Touch me in places I ache to be touched.