Page 73 of Letting Go at 40

“Yeah, friends.” Her voice tightens and I shouldn’t try to read into the drop in tone. I can’t assume it’s disappointment in the clarification of where we stand. Distance keeps us apart. She keeps us even further separated.

“I’m going on a date.” The dart isn’t one I intended to toss.

“Really? Anyone I know?” An edge lingers in the false lightness of her voice.

“Jenna.” To my surprise, Jenna called me. I don’t think she’s over the damage Archer did to her heart, but she asked me out.

“What?” Anna’s voice rises.

I shrug although she can’t see me, acting as if the upset in her voice doesn’t do strange things to my insides. Like cause my heart to beat faster and my dick to harden.

“She didn’t mention it,” Anna adds.

“Hmm. Maybe I’m supposed to be a secret.” Which is just what I feel about Anna and me. We’re a secret. We talk often but don’t communicate. There’s more between us. Maybe sex could be the solution. It’s the only thing I know and yet I don’t want just sex with her. I want more.

“Well, have fun.” The fib in her voice shouldn’t please me.

“I will,” I lie in return, knowing Jenna won’t be the one to give me what I want.

It’s always been Anna who’s held my heart.

Chapter 26

10 Months Ago

November

Goodbyes and Hellos

[Anna]

The day after Mason’s call, I head to the beach despite the chill in the air. The firepit the guys used during their bonfire tribute to Ben is long gone. The Adirondack chairs have been stored away for the winter. The air is crisp and cold as I take a seat at the bottom of the stairs to the beach. In moments like this when I wander down here alone, I try to sense Ben’s presence.

He used to be here.

Not that his memory is fading but his constant existence in my head is lessening.

I guess that means I’m moving on.

I’ve promised I’ll never let go. He’ll aways have a place in my heart. But as River once said, the heart is an amazing organ. And its capacity for love is limitless. No one is being replaced. I simply have room for more.

Room to love someone like Mason.

Though my hands are cold, I rub the heart-shaped talisman between my fingers.

“Forgive me,” I whisper as if I need Ben’s understanding. A breeze blows over me, and even in thick boots, jeans, and a fall jacket, I shiver. The response is only the weather, but I tease myself into believing Ben can hear me. He knows what I’m asking, and he knows why.

I promised to love him ‘til death parted us.

Even death was never going to separate us from loving one another, but it would prevent us from living an eternity together.

Because I’m here. And Ben isn’t.

As difficult as it is to admit, if he was alive and I was gone I wouldn’t want Ben to travel the remainder of his life alone,. He was too good a man, too great a guy, and he’d deserve to share his spirit and energy with someone else.

I’m instantly jealous of something that will never exist, but quickly shake off the reality. Ben will never have another lover.

I will.