Page 116 of Letting Go at 40

Despite the updates to my own room, it still feels like a room I shared with Ben.

And I’m tired of sleeping alone in it.

Suddenly, I miss my parents. This was their room first, filled with the antique furniture they loved. Those pieces were replaced with more modern items that Ben and I preferred. Now the room is feminine and sweet, but a masculine mist still lingers. Although Ben is gone, I can’t shake what this room represents.

Turning back, I head down the hallway and climb the stairs to the second floor, staring at the open doors of some rooms. Noting the closed doors of others. Mila’s room with a bathroom. Calvin and Bryce’s rooms with a Jack-and-Jill bathroom between them. The former main bedroom that had once been my parents’ when they first bought the place. The room has gone through many transitions.

Amelia and I shared the space in our teens. The boys had the room as children as it was more of a bunk space with three twin beds. Once we moved here, Bryce and Calvin each took a room of their own as this was our new permanent residence, not a vacation destination or weekend getaway spot.

Stepping into the room at the end of the hallway, I pause and fumble for my phone in my bag. I hadn’t even set down my purse in my bedroom.

“Hey,” Amelia groggily says through the phone. Did I wake her on a Friday night? It’s not even ten and she’s an hour behind me. As the sun set the lake grew inky and Mason didn’t want to pilot the boat in the dark, so we headed back to the marina. He didn’t ask me to join him in the apartment. He didn’t ask if he could come into the house.

Maybe we both needed a minute to understand what happened between us.

“What’s going on?” Amelia breaks into my thoughts.

“I’ve been thinking.” I continue to stare into the room with three twins, recalling the layout when Amelia and I were children. A large double bed. A small sitting area.

“Sounds dangerous.” Amelia chuckles. A rustling sound follows.

“Did I wake you?”

“Uhm . . . no.” She laughs.

Again, I consider the time difference. “Something else I interrupted?”

“Negative there as well.” I don’t press for more and Amelia asks, “So what are you thinking about?”

“I need a change.” I turn in a small circle, remembering how Amelia and I climbed into bed when we were younger. Giggling about boys. Sharing our thoughts. Expressing concerns about an unknown future.

“Like what?” Her voice is cautious and curious.

“I think I’m going to move.”

“Out of Lakeside Cottage?” Amelia gasps. “Are you coming back to Chicago?”

The thought crossed my mind once or twice when Ben first passed. Returning to our old neighborhood. Getting back my former teaching job. Then I reconsidered. I didn’t want to make another move. Plus, Ben wanted us here, and at first, I didn’t want to feel like I was leaving him behind if we went back to Chicago.

In all honesty, this is my home, though. My family has too many shared memories in this place. I don’t think I could ever leave Lakeside Cottage and live anywhere else.

“No, not leaving. Just moving bedrooms. Is that weird?” I pause as I cross the room and take a seat on the edge of a bed. “It’s probably weird.”

“Should it be weird?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.” I huff feeling the ache of my thighs and a pinch someplace else.

Mason.

“What’s going on with you?” Her curiosity turns to concern.

“I slept with Mason.” My eyes close as I fall back on the bed and brace for Amelia’s wrath. She had a crush on him. She’s defended him. However, she also knows that we’ve spent enormous amounts of time together, and we’ve done a few physical things, like kissing and touching.

“Well, hallelujah and praise Jesus and oh my God, give me all the details.”

I laugh with relief. “I am not telling you about it.”

“I had sex with a stranger. I’ll tell you about that,” she teases. At least I think she’s teasing.