Page 46 of Loving at 40

Anna’s quiet for a second, squinting off in the distance. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Anna.” My voice softens, expressing all the sympathy in the world I have for her situation. “It will get . . .” Better? Easier? Those were both terms I hated to hear when Ryan died. What was better than my life with him? What was going to be easier in my life without him? Taking a deep breath, I decide to be honest. “It’s never going to be the same. You’re never going to be the same, having loved him and lost him too soon. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. It isn’t any number of things people want to say to soothe you. But it is what it is. There is no way to bring him back.”

The hard, cold truth is that Ben is gone. He didn’t leave her. He didn’t divorce her. He’s well and truly gone. My own eyes prickle.

“I know,” she softly says beside me. “It’s just so hard.”

“Yes, it is.” I can’t disagree with her because it is difficult. I didn’t expect to ever fall in love. Then I found Ryan and lost him too soon. I didn’t think I’d be a single mother and navigating this life as a single parent. “But eventually, you learn how to deal with the difficult and make life a little less hard.”

“I need a manual,” she jokes without a hint of humor.

“We’re teachers, but we’re also learners. You’ll figure it out. You’ll learn how to live as you are now because of your experiences, because of having loved and lost.”

Anna bitterly chuckles. “I feel like you’re prepping me to write a personal narrative.”

“Maybe I am,” I jest. “It’s still your life, your story. What happens next is going to be based on what happened before, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have control over the future.” Suddenly, I do feel like I’ve gone into teacher mode, coaching my student to understand her past and learn from it for what lies ahead.

“Ben had this crazy life cycle he told the guys. You live, love, lose and learn.”

Thinking about it a second, I snicker. “He was onto something.”

“I’m definitely in the loss cycle,” Anna states, sadness filling her voice.

“Well, up next is the learning one. It’s where you let go.”

Her head snaps in my direction. “I’ll never be able to let go.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. Ben will always be a part of you. Always.” He’s even divided further into her children. “But at some point, you’ll cycle through those phases in order to live again.” And love, maybe. As I said to Archer, we all deserve a second chance. Whether we get one this late in life might be a different story.

Never been in love. How can that be? Archer is forty-five. Surely, he’s loved someone along the way.

“Do you know if Archer has ever been in love?” I’d never make it as an investigator or detective, as I was hardly subtle in shifting topics.

“I doubt it.” Anna snorts. “Autumn found him on social media once with a woman. She swore it was him although he was tagged under a different name. She was some socialite. The woman looked like a Real Housewives-wannabe from somewhere fancy, like someone who would film her life for scripted television.”

Socialite. Housewives-wannabe. Scripted TV. My heart sinks as I recall asking Archer if he wanted to go on a bike ride with me and my girls. So stupid.

“And speaking of Archer, I don’t want him making any false promises to my boys, telling them he’ll be here for them and pushing Calvin toward police work.”

“Did he do that?” My bike wobbles as I abruptly glance at Anna.

“He did, and he’s with the boys again today. I don’t need him trying to insert himself into their lives only to slip back out of it.”

I understand her concern. I have the same ones. While Archer told me about his previous line of work, he didn’t mention if he was still working. If he’s undercover, will he disappear again? How soon? For how long? I need to keep my heart guarded and my head smart when it comes to Archer. He isn’t going to stick around, and I knew that from the beginning. I will not allow myself any fantasies of Archer becoming part of my small family. My heart can’t take another loss.

18

[Jenna]

On Sunday evening, the girls and I return to the apartment early for a movie and some downtime. After two long days of sun and fun, Rosie is crabby, and Talia is overwhelmed. They’ve made friends with Zack’s boys, Oliver and Trevor, but sometimes the boys are too much to handle for my tamer daughters. Oliver is actually a little sweet when he isn’t minion to his alpha brother, Trevor. I’d catch him comforting Rosie or helping her, but it’s only because he considers her a baby compared to him. Talia likes to put Trevor in his place, telling him how to behave or warning him to watch his language. She’s so bossy at times, mother-henning anyone who will listen.

Since yesterday morning, Archer has been distant. He was with his nephews during the day, and the reunion crew guys included him in their bar crawl last night. He came home late, picked me up off the couch, and placed me in bed next to him but didn’t speak. Other than his arm around my waist, curling into my body, nearly blanketing my back, we didn’t touch. When I woke early, I left him sleeping. The girls and I went for a walk, and the day kept us separated again.

So I am surprised to find Archer entering the apartment early Sunday evening after me. I’m even more shocked when he folds to the couch, slouching back to get comfortable, and asks, “What are we watching?”

“Frozen,” Talia calls out. She loves this movie as do I. I’ve analyzed it with my teacher brain, and it’s a good story about sisterly love and the strength within an individual. It also speaks to the bond of family as an important line of love in life. I don’t have sisters, so watching my girls interact with one another is fascinating to me.

“Popcorn,” Rosie reminds me, and I snap out of staring at Archer next to my girls.