Page 71 of Fight from the Heart

“You know I didn’t want children, and I didn’t believe in marriage. At least not before.” My voice falters. At least not before Pam.

Her face blanches, all the color draining out of it.

“Are you okay?”

Her nose sniffs. “Just something in the air. It smells bad out here.” Her hand actually fists near her belly, and I don’t miss the motion.

“Are you sick?”

A hand covers her mouth, and she vigorously shakes her head. “No, I’m fine.” She’s lying. I can read it in the widening of her eyes and the lacking color in her face.

“How are you doing with this?” Her eyes roam my face, searching for signs of anything.

“I was upset at first. I mean, I was upset when she first told me, obviously, and you heard about my breakdown.” I swap a hand over my hair. I didn’t want Theresa to call Pam, but I later learned that she did. “But I’m better now, so much better now.” I want to assure her, but she’s staring at me, hesitant of me. I don’t blame her. I don’t deserve her in so many ways, but my treatment has helped me learn, I do deserve someone like her. I deserve love.

I want it to be her.

You’re it, Lilac.

Alcohol clouded my judgment for so long, but I see clearly what’s before me. Actions will speak louder than words, as Ethan said, but I need the time to act. I need the chance to do right by her.

“What are you doing? Tonight, why are you here?” she questions. She’s here under the guise of having dinner with Ella. A neutral place seemed best, so I didn’t pounce on her the second I had her alone and beg her to take me back.

“It’s called dinner. I was hoping to surprise you, and you’d join me. I’m told it’s part of the process of dating.” The corner of my lip curls, hoping she’ll remember the lessons.

She doesn’t respond.

“Lilac.” I step up to her as her eyes close. “Don’t give up on me. Give me another chance.” I sigh. “You told me you believed in them, and love.”

Could she love me? Could she love the new me?

“I’m not saying it will be easy. I know I’m difficult and moody. It’s us creative types,” I tease, but she doesn’t smile. “I want to be good for you.”

“Jacob.” Her eyes close again, and she lowers her head. If I didn’t know better, I’d say pain crosses her beautiful cheeks. My brows pinch.

“Well, I just wanted you to know I’m back. For good. I’m selling the apartment. I’ll just get a hotel when and if I need to return to New York. I can handle so much of my business electronically.” It’s like I’m giving her my resume instead of telling her I love her, but suddenly, it doesn’t seem like the time or place.

She’s really quit me.

“I’ll be at the house,” I finally say when she doesn’t respond to me. “My deadline is pushed back, and I lost my assistant.”

Pam stares at me while I recall our teasing boss-assistant relationship. I lean in for a final kiss to her cheek. It isn’t enough. It won’t ever be close enough.

“She was a hard-ass, and I miss her.”

Pam’s eyes widen, but when she still doesn’t speak, I nod to excuse myself, leaving behind one of the best things in my life.

Chapter 26

Love Me

[Pam]

Watching him walk away was the hardest thing to happen to me. Telling him the truth was going to be the second most difficult.

She wasn’t having his baby.

I was.