Page 70 of Fight from the Heart

I turn back for the bar again and take a long sip from my glass. My hands shake, but it’s not as bad as when I first went into the treatment center. I hear Ella and Pam’s voice behind me, and my heart rattles in the cage of my chest.

The demons have been set free, or at least most of them.

“He asked you out again?” Ella’s voice struggles, and I stiffen with my back to them.

Did Pam go on a date? Did that surfer douche get to her? Am I too late? Panic seizes my chest, and I spin on the stool.

“Lilac.” It takes her a second to register my voice and then turn to look at me.

God, she’s so beautiful, I think again, taking in the sapphire spark of her eyes, the brightness of her lips, and a slight flush to her cheeks.

“Jacob.” My name is a breathless exhale like the times I entered her, and instantly, I’m hard. She slowly smiles at me, and without thought, I slip from the stool, stepping up to her and kissing her cheek.

“You smell beautiful.”

“I’m going to check on Ethan. I’ll be right back,” Ella states, conveniently excusing herself and leaving Pam and me in silence, which we should have stayed in because my mouth can’t hold back.

“So you went out with him?”

The smile on her face instantly morphs in exasperation, and she looks off at the diners near us.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” she says, turning back to me.

“But you did,” I press. Dating is just a precursor to sex. Did she have sex with him? Am I too late? My blood pressure goes from zero to sixty.

“Did you sleep with him?” I can’t seem to stop myself, and her arms cross.

“Are you drinking?” She nods at the large glass on the bar.

“It’s water.” I steady my voice, finding her question reasonable. I’ll have a lot of explaining to do for myself, and I’m not off to a good start. However, I can’t give it up. “Answer the question.”

Turning her head to the side again, she huffs. “No, I didn’t go out with him.”

Thank God.

“Maybe you’d like to take it in the kitchen, or outside,” Ethan appears, noting the tension rising between Pam and myself, and a few guests who are watching us.

Pam huffs in that direction, and I follow her. Ethan follows as well, continuing to guide us to the back exit. It’s a crisp early spring evening, and the scent of new growth is in the air. The fieldstone restaurant sits amid a meadow with a large red barn to the left. Cherry trees in neat lines are the backdrop to the barn.

“You can fight back here,” Ethan states, leaning foward to kiss Pam’s cheek. “You have my permission to punch him.”

Ethan steps away from us, and Pam turns back on me.

“She wasn’t pregnant,” I blurt out. It’s not the first explanation I wanted to give her. I wanted to explain what happened, where I went, why I couldn’t call. I wanted this reunion to be a surprise, and it’s turning into a shamble. The fight to accept that I don’t ruin everything in my life becomes real because it feels like I’m destroying this moment.

“What?” Pam stares at me, her hand falling against her belly.

“She was never pregnant,” I repeat, trying to hold her gaze, but she looks away from me, her eyes on the large barn.

“What happened?” Her voice cracks when she turns back, and I shrug.

“She was trying to trick me into marrying her. She thought if she was carrying my child, I’d ask her.”

“How would that have worked when she didn’t produce a baby in nine months.”

“She thought she’d get pregnant once we reunited.”

I step up to her. “But I never planned to marry her, baby or not. And I knew there couldn’t be a baby, or at least not mine. I was telling you the truth when I told you hadn’t slept with her on that vacation back in February.” That damn vacation I never should have gone on. I should have seen who was standing before me. I should have seen her sooner.