Page 58 of The History in Us

I worked the remainder of the evening, and Sidonia gave me the dress, demanding I wear it despite the cancelled date. I couldn’t skip the fundraiser and I couldn’t refuse the offer as I needed formal attire and didn’t own any. The dress still looked gorgeous on the hanger, but I didn’t feel as sexy as I had the first time I tried it on. Apprehension filled me over seeing Levi.

The scholarship dinner was held at the Chicago History Museum, a place I hadn’t visited despite my years in Chicago. Not as popular a museum as the nationally recognized ones, it was filled with history directly related to the third largest city in the United States. Pre-cocktail access allowed us to wander the museum. Dinner would be served in a heated outdoor tent and dancing was scheduled to follow inside the building in the ballroom. I meandered through the museum taking in the history of the elevated train—lovingly nicknamed the “L”—an exhibit on industry, and another on the history of political unrest. Eventually, I found myself inside a tiny alcove with a small club table, two chairs, and the pulsating beat of jazz music. The space was perfectly discrete, a replica of a speakeasy buried under the city.

I took photos on my phone of placards to research later the music of history in the city. It would be a great addition to our project. Spinning slowly, I found a man in a tuxedo, perched against the opening to the small exhibit. His body leaned casually along the wall, ankles crossed, hands in his pockets. Our eyes caught and a small smile fought on his lips. He wore his glasses tonight, looking studious and regal in all black.

“Levi,” I breathed, coughing to cover the dreamy sound coming from my throat. He was an incredibly good looking man. Jeans. Shorts. Tuxedo. He could pull off any appearance.

“You look beautiful,” he said softly, as he continued to lean against the wall. His hands remained in his pockets and I fought the urge to go to him. It had only been two days, but I missed him. I missed AJ.

“How is AJ?” I swallowed the lump in my throat feeling cut-off from the child I’d grown too attached to in the last few weeks.

“He’s fussy, as always.” Levi chuckled and stood straighter, smoothing a hand down the front of his jacket. “He misses you.” The tenderness of his tone forced me to look away. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.

He cleared his throat. “What are you doing back here?” His chin tipped toward the fuchsia pink walls around me.

“Research. There’s great information here.” A sultry pulsing sound filled the small area, and I turned to a video screen projecting a classic singer and the typical jazz band behind him.

“Levi, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” The shrill voice of our fellow classmate Emma came from somewhere behind Levi. I spun to face him, certain the expression on my face gave away the horror of my heart. He’d brought someone else as his date. Suddenly, Emma rounded Levi’s body and stood facing me.

“Katie?” Her eyes passed from Levi to me and back. “Professor Erickson is looking for you, Levi. It’s almost time for dinner, and your speech is first.” Her hand came to his elbow and the sight of her touch turned my vision a deeper shade of fuchsia. Taking a deep breath, I waited, wanting them to walk away first, willing them to leave me to myself for a moment. I only had to make it through dinner, and then I could fake a headache, asking Anne to be excused.

Levi nodded at me and spun along the wall to walk with Emma. I waited for a beat, hidden in the alcove to collect my thoughts. Liquid filled my eyes, and I blinked several times. My fingers trembled as I wiped under my eyes, praying I didn’t smudge the make-up Sidonia had applied. She not only gave me the dress, she helped fix me up. She truly was a fairy godmother. Only I wouldn’t be leaving a shoe behind. My heart already fell to the floor.

Taking another deep breath, I took a few steps toward the exit and rounded the protective wall to find Levi pressed against it. I stopped short, inhaling sharply. Holding my shoulders tight, I attempted to pass without a word, but a thick hand reached out for my wrist, stopping my movement.

“She didn’t come with me.” The words struck me as dirty and inappropriate, but he owed me nothing.

“You don’t need to explain yourself to me.” We had no agreement. I knew Levi’s history. He didn’t want to love, and that included loving me. He wanted sex, but also not with me.

“Katie,” he exhaled, but I tugged on the enclosure of my wrist. “I despise lying, so I’m telling the truth.” He paused. “And I’m sorry.” His voice was so soft that I wasn’t sure I heard him properly. He tugged me toward him and I stumbled on my heels. Colliding with his chest, my hands rose to prevent me from pressing fully against him. His hands came to my shoulders, seductively rubbing down to my elbows.

“I miss you,” he whispered, and I melted. I hated how quickly it happened, but I also sensed Levi didn’t say the words lightly. Then he added, “Do you miss me?” He was a boy again, for just a moment, the one telling me not to look at him like I wanted to kiss him. But it wasn’t about me. It was about him. He wanted to kiss me just as much, and he was suddenly shy. Hesitant. Cautious. I wanted to be brave and hold my head high. I wanted to lie, but I didn’t have it in me.

“Yes,” I breathed, lowering my head as I instantly pinked at my admission. The small curve to his mouth hinted at his relief. A dimple peeked around the curl of his lips. Damn him for being so adorable.

“Join me for dinner?” He leaned forward and kissed the side of my lips. Tender and too brief, I was suddenly starving—for him. He released me and bent his elbow in my direction. Letting him lead me, he escorted me to dinner, but the irony was not lost on me. I too easily let Levi lead and I wanted more control over us.

The white tent, heated and highlighted by gas lamps, gave off a festival feel. The surroundings felt mystic and roaring 20s-ish. The atmosphere was addicting as people in tuxedos and formal dresses mingled with glasses of champagne. I felt like a usurper, completely out of my element, but found balance when I focused on the white tent. I tried to remind myself the tent was the same as the beer tent back home during Harbor Days. This tent represented me, dressed up, but still made of small town fabric. I didn’t belong here amongst these donors, other than my status as the recipient of their generosity.

The moment we entered the tent, Levi was whisked away by Emma who’d been waiting for him. Before he stepped away, he turned back to me and placed another kiss on the corner of my lips.

“Wait for me.” The statement held so much meaning, but I warned myself not to dig too deep. Emma escorted him to the stage, and I found my assigned seat. The crowd quieted, and then Levi was introduced by Wayne. His accomplishments were hailed, celebrating him as a war hero, surviving an ambush, and surpassing the obstacles of losing a limb. Subtle gasps and collective nods passed as if they understood Levi. They sympathized with him, and yet, knowing what I knew, I realized the people of the audience would never understand him.

“Thank you for that generous introduction, Professor Erickson.” Levi nodded at his mentor as he stood behind the podium. Observing Levi, I realized, he had the outer confidence to be anything he wanted. He was like an actor, molding to his surroundings, and I wondered what that said about him when he was with me. “As Wayne just mentioned, I’m honored to have served our country for two tours, stationed in Afghanistan, before suffering a life-threatening injury and returning to the United States.” His eyes hovered over the audience.

“I could speak to you today about the horrors of war. The things I saw. The sounds I heard. But I won’t. My speech is not written to frighten or endear you. I was asked to speak about perseverance, the theme for a current writing contest. Professor Erickson rolled that theme into my current course, forcing me to retell the historical journey of something within this great city. A journey of perseverance. The Great Fire represented here in this museum is evidence this city has heart and determination. I’m thinking I could rename Professor Erickson’s course to Perseverance 414, as it takes strength to put up with Wayne’s lectures, his interjections, and his sidetracks.” Levi smiled over at Wayne and the crowd laughed.

“But in all seriousness, perseverance does not come easily. It involves the basic element of hard work. It includes confidence to achieve a goal and determination to strive toward that end. I think that relates to all of you present. Being a student has a goal. Education. Graduation. Employment. We strive for a dream: to be a business owner, to cure medical conditions, to write fantasy stories.” My head shot up. “We hold those dreams dear to our heart, working hard to achieve an end result, confident we’ll make it. Sometimes, we doubt ourselves. Sometimes others put us down without intending to. If we don’t keep the goal in mind, we falter. We curse. We hesitate. Perseverance keeps us on track. So does assistance. No man is successful in his own right. We need support in our journeys. We need people who believe in our dream. Support our goal. Boost our confidence. That’s where many of you in this room come in. Your support, financially, or with practicality, through internships and mentorships, help keep us on our path.” He paused, fidgeting with note cards on the podium for a moment.

“I had the rest of this speech written and memorized, but recently it came to my attention, that sometimes we aren’t grateful for what we have. I’m not grateful for what I have.” My head lowered and my teeth gripped the corner of my lip. “Despite losing a leg, I have many blessings in my life. Like most humans, I swing the pendulum of confidence and doubt. At times, my path seems unclear. I don’t understand why I survived and my men died. When I woke in a hospital room, transported to Germany without even knowing I’d left the desert, I had the will to live. I screamed it through the medical center. I’m told my perseverance helped me survive. And when I grieved my loss of limb and friends, cursing unseen enemies, and a greater power I no longer trusted, I was told that determination, the cousin to perseverance, saved me. I took no step alone. Although many times, I felt lonely. And even in my darkest hours, I held onto something.” Levi tapped his chest for emphasis and his eyes searched the audience, rapt with attention on him. “Something in my heart that told me, while I didn’t understand the plan, there was a path for me. It took some time, but I found the strength, the energy, to get my education, earn a degree, and endure the struggle to find out what’s next for me.” He chuckled lightly to break the tension he’d built. “Perseverance I’m told is what keeps me taking one step in front of another, and those first steps were difficult. I think moving forward takes heart, something deep inside that drives us. It takes examining our past and deciding to live a future.” Levi paused and stared out into the crowd. “There are plenty of other people, everywhere in this room, equally equivalent to the drive in me. They have the heart to be something. They want a future as I do. They have dreams as I do. And on that note, I want to thank you, the donors, the intern mentors, the professors, for helping us as students, achieve. Thank you.”

Levi turned to Wayne and shook his hand. The crowd stood to applaud and honor his service to our country. I suddenly didn’t have to fake a headache. Guilt ate at me that I’d made him feel bad for lacking gratitude, when he’d already suffered and surpassed so many obstacles. It was a reminder again, that my life had been simple and easy compared to his. I excused myself as my table mates returned to their seats and exited the tent, finding refuge inside the building in the dimly lit ballroom. The band equipment filled one end of the great hall, resting in anticipation of the later evening. At the other end, a stain-glassed window, back-lit from behind, centered the wall. Something drew me to the colorful display, and I stood in a spot where people of great wealth professed love and marriage to another person of equal stature. The hall could be rented for weddings, but I suddenly had a sickening sense that I’d never marry. I’d never find the man of my dreams—my hero—who didn’t necessarily rescue me, but save me by loving me, like Emily did with my father. It was such a silly dream, and I wanted to punch the happy, artistic display within the etched glass before me.

A light tapping of hard-soled shoes drew closer to me, but I refused to turn around. Whomever it was would just walk past me. I’d blend into the background like I tried to as a child.

“You heard my speech, right?”

I spun to face Levi, his hands in his pants’ pockets, his head lowered.