Page 151 of Pretty ’n Peak

“Yeah.” Mateo exhaled. “Did I tell you that gay people aren’t allowed to take Communion in the Catholic church?”

“No. Are you… that sounds crazy.”

“Yeah. I looked up all the details when I was starting to figure things out a few years ago. They recognize that people are born gay, but you’re expected to live a life of chastity.”

“Oh, God. Really?”

“Yeah. And the messed up thing is, if you occasionally mess around… you can repent and be forgiven. You promise yourself and God that you’ll never do it again, and it’s more or less okay.”

“Did you do that?” Austin’s eyes were warm, without an ounce of judgment.

“I didn’t want to think that way. But it’s kind of programmed into me. I think I went through that the first few months. Playing this game where I’d ask God for forgiveness just in case. What I was getting to, though, is that if you’re in a committed relationship, where you’re regularly ‘sinning,’ you can’t accept the Sacrament. They’ll welcome you to the service, at least supposedly, but you just have to stand there while everyone else takes Communion.”

“That’s terrible.” Mateo could see the disgust on Austin’s face. “What if you’re legally married?”

“The church doesn’t recognize it. Though you’re expected to send your kids to Catholic schools and get them baptized privately, so that the church can still save their souls without looking like it’s condoning your relationship.” He felt like his voice stayed even, but inside, he was still a swirling storm of guilt and anger.

“I’m also… I’m a godparent to three kids. Two of my nieces and a friend’s son. And that’s not allowed either. I’m supposed to nurture their faith and model a Catholic life for them to follow.”

“That’s…” Austin was speechless. “Oh, Teo. I’m so sorry you’re wrestling with all of that. I had no idea.”

“That’s alright. No reason for you to know. I haven’t… I haven’t been attending church a lot recently. I feel like a liar every time I go.”

Austin met his eyes. “I don’t feel a lot of spirituality, but I don’t think I could ever believe in a God who made you so beautiful and perfect, and think that He wouldn’t want you to be yourself and find love.”

Mateo’s eyes stung.

It wasn’t something he’d even known that he needed to hear. “I like to think that, too. It’s just… I know I said that I’d come out if I had a boyfriend but…” Now he was letting Austin down.

Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to everything so quickly anyway.

“Hey babe. It’s alright. I wasn’t expecting you to just go home on Sunday night and announce it.” Austin extended his hand, but Mateo couldn’t quite bring himself to take it.

“Yeah, but you told me you dated a closeted guy in college and you never wanted to go through that again.”

“I did. But that was a long time ago, and a very different situation. He was dependent upon his parents financially…”

“I work in my family’s company.” Mateo interjected, his stomach sinking. “I live above my parents’ house.”

“And it was also his plan to never come out. To anyone. I was literally his dirty little secret. We broke up when he started looking for a woman to marry who would impress his father.”

Mateo’s racing heart slowed a little.

“He would never have done something like this.” Austin gestured around the cafe. “He was never as strong as you, and never as honest with himself.”

“Can I really be honest with myself if I’m not being honest with my family?”

Austin gave him a tender smile. “I know that you’re close with them, but I really do want you to see the difference. Just as an example, with this guy, Aaron, we used to do a lot of primal play. You know, tackling and mock-fighting. It was fun at the time, and it was how I stumbled my way into kink. But I didn’t realize until a lot later that he’d set up these… wrestling matches, or whatever they were, because if I ‘beat’ him in a fight, he didn’t want to admit to himself that he was submissive when he enjoyed whatever I did next. Like it was my fault, or something.” Austin stared off into the distance. “Thinking back, I wonder if it was his example that got me mixed up with Cam.”

“I’m sorry,” Mateo said. Both guys sounded like they’d really done a number on Austin’s head. He finally slipped his fingers back into Austin’s hands and squeezed.

Truly. What was the chance of his sister walking by? She lived on the other side of town.

Austin squeezed him back. “Mateo, you know who you are. You’re figuring it out in stages, but you’re not hiding from it. You’re exploring. You’re questioning. You’re taking risks. But you’re also setting limits and listening to yourself and being honest about what you need and when.”

“You’re sure? Even if it takes…” He couldn’t think of a possible time when he came out. It was like he could see Austin lounging around in the backyard with his family, and he could feel the visceral terror of revealing himself. He couldn’t imagine any connecting points in between. “Years?”

“We’ll go at your pace. Honestly, the fact that we live in different cities might be a blessing in disguise. If you feel like you can be yourself here, and be with me, that’s all I’m looking for.”