Page 133 of Pretty ’n Peak

“No, that makes it sound like I’m avoiding it. I’m not. I promise. I’m just… I’m not used to thinking of myself as someone who’s got depression. I was depressed for a while right after the tumor. When I was fourteen. I spent about three months just hating everyone and everything, convinced that I’d never be able to do anything if I couldn’t see. I wanted the doctors to fix it, and since they couldn’t, I never wanted to try anything again. My parents let me stay home from school, because they didn’t know what to do either. I hid out in my room. I thought about death. I wouldn’t even get out of bed, let alone learn Braille or how to use a cane.”

Mateo’s eyes stung, but he didn’t say a word. The last time Austin had described the early days of his blindness, he’d been upbeat and funny. This was a whole different side.

“But the thing is, after those three months, someone—my parents? The doctors? I don’t remember—coaxed me into taking a life skills course. It was hard work, and I had to learn to do everything again, but pretty soon I was almost back to my old life. I couldn’t play basketball any more, but I joined the swim team. I couldn’t read a textbook, but the school district got me aides to read them for me. I even went to summer school and passed all the classes I’d missed.

“So, that’s what I thought depression was like. This deep, sucking hole of blackness where you can’t get out of bed and you think about suicide. But the past two or three years have just been… gray. I get up. I go to work. I come home. I sleep. I didn’t want to see anyone. I was definitely avoiding Cam. And I was throwing myself into my job, but my therapist thinks that’s been making me miserable, too. Hell, maybe she’s right. I can’t even tell any more. I feel like I’ve just been… going through the motions. Moving my body through space without really interacting with it.”

Mateo wasn’t sure how to respond. He’d never gotten that impression when Austin was with him. If Austin was going through the motions in all of those moments they’d shared… Fuck, that really would be depressing.

But he couldn’t believe that was true. Austin was too attentive to him. Too thoughtful and focused. Plus, he’d just said that he was feeling surprisingly good.

Still, what did you say to someone who’d just disclosed that they were depressed? Mateo wasn’t sure what would be rude and what would be supportive.

And honestly… it shook something inside of him. He’d been thinking of Austin as having all the answers. Austin was supposed to be the expert. The one who had it all figured out. The Daddy.

If Mateo needed to turn around and support him, he was way out of his depth.

“Would quitting your job help?” he finally asked.

Austin snorted. “Probably. I’d never even considered it until three weeks ago. But yeah, I think I might hate my job.”

Three weeks? Was that a coincidence?

“So not being miserable for sixty-plus hours a week would probably help,” Austin continued.

“Are you going to quit?”

“I promised myself I would look at other job offers this weekend.”

“That’s good! I know it’s not my place to say, but I really feel like you’d be happier somewhere else.”

“Thanks, that actually means a lot. Since apparently everyone else can see my issues better than I can.”

“Is there anything else that would help? Medications or something?”

Austin shrugged. “My therapist says it’s too soon to know if that’s the right path to take. She wants me to make changes in my life and how I think first. She gives me homework.”

“Like what?”

“Seeing friends. Giving myself permission to be happy and trusting that good feelings aren’t just temporary. Saying little mantras.”

Mateo made an interrogative sound, still trying to encourage him without pushing too hard.

“Yeah. Little things to repeat. You’ll like this one.” His voice changed to a plodding beat, like he was quoting. “I’m a capable, talented Dom. I’m attentive to my subs, and they enjoy working with me.”

Mateo stifled a giggle, but only because it was so painful to hear that he had to let it out somehow.

“Go ahead, you can laugh. I laugh at myself all the time. It’s one of those stupid things where part of me knows that it’s true. Like, obviously. I have Dom skills. I have subs who want to work with me. But part of it feels like it could never possibly be true.”

“Have you been saying that around me?” Mateo told himself that it would be alright if he had. This was about Austin, not about him. And Austin had still been the perfect Dom, the ideal introduction into the world of kink, even if he hadn’t been as magical for Austin as it had been for him. Hell, he already knew that Austin had done all of this hundreds of times before.

Austin’s head popped up. “Nope. Not even once.”

“Yeah?” Mateo’s heart pounded faster. That sounded like… like he was special.

Or maybe he was just totally clueless.

“Yeah,” Austin gave him a lopsided smile. “Everything’s just different with you. Like the world’s in color again.”