Page 59 of All Tied Up

“I told you I wanted to do it, though,” Neil whispered.

“You told me you were OK trying it, and I realize now that there were some parts of it that you had more concerns over. I knew you were too new to kink to even know what you liked, which meant it was my job to ease you into something that would feel safe and have your full enthusiastic consent. I believe that you were being honest with me earlier when you said yes, but I had enough clues to put things together differently and not put you in a position where you realized in the moment that the scene I initiated wasn’t a good fit for you.”

Neil looked down at Sebastian’s anguished face. It was finally sinking in that maybe, just maybe, there were other explanations for the evening than Neil fucking up. He still didn’t think it was Sebastian’s fault, but maybe it wasn’t his either. “You don’t need to apologize.”

Sebastian pulled him down and kissed his forehead, then settled him back against his chest. Jamie, who had been listening quietly, dropped kisses along the back of Neil’s shoulder. It was heavenly.

“Well, I’m apologizing anyway.” Sebastian stroked Neil’s beard. He loved that sensation. It was such an intimate touch.

“Me too,” added Jamie. “I feel terrible that I pushed you into this. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.” Jamie sounded devastated.

Neil shook his head. It was Jamie’s guilt that made him realize he really needed to talk about this. He didn’t want Jamie beating himself up over it.

“You did check in,” Neil reminded Jamie. “In my room and twice on the stairs. I’m the one who should have said something. I mean, you were just helping me get ready for the scene, right?”

He could feel Jamie stiffen behind him. “Consent is everyone’s responsibility. I would also consider what we were doing upstairs as part of the scene.”

Neil could feel the tension that still ran through Jamie’s body. Had he offended him? Shit. He probably had. The thing was, the time they’d spent upstairs had felt like a scene now that Jamie mentioned it. Of course it was. Jamie “helping” him get dressed with that warm mouth and those questing fingers everywhere was just as much a part of this as anything else.

Neil pushed himself up enough that he could see Jamie’s scowling face. “Jamie? I, um, I’m not sure what I said wrong. But when we were getting dressed upstairs… I really liked that part. I mean, I probably looked like a deer in the headlights because you’re just so… completely out of my league, really. But everything with you was perfect.”

With each word, Jamie’s face smoothed out until he was smiling. “I’m not out of your league,” Jamie reassured him softly.

That wasn’t likely, but Neil wasn’t going to argue. “Anyway,” he went on, “you didn’t push me, or at least not in a bad way. I just thought I’d like the rest of it more than I did.”

Jamie gave an understanding nod and Neil settled back onto Sebastian’s chest.

Sebastian's soothing hand ran along his back and his voice rumbled beneath Neil’s cheek. “When you’re ready, I’d like to hear about why the scene didn’t work for you. But that doesn’t have to be tonight. Actually it doesn’t have to be at all. I’ll understand if you don’t want to try anything else. We could be vanilla for the rest of your time here or not at all. And no matter what you decide, I’m here to support you if you’d like me to.”

Now that the possibility was being taken away, Neil was desperate to get it back. “No, I do want it. And, um, I can tell you the problem with tonight. It sounds stupid, though.”

“Nothing that has to do with your comfort and safety is ever stupid. Tell us when you’re ready.”

Neil gave a heavy sigh. It was so much easier to say this when he was sandwiched between two warm bodies that were gently stroking his sides. Now that he understood a bit more, they deserved to hear it.

“So… I think I probably messed up when I agreed to doing a role play. I had to take a drama course in high school, and I couldn’t get into character at all. I hated it. So I should have realized that anything like acting would have been hard for me. I was just thinking that I wanted to see you two in the role play you described, and that I wanted to try getting a, uh, spanking.” He could feel himself blushing over the word. It just sounded so dirty and intimate.

“Were you worried when we were getting dressed?” Jamie asked. “I mean, I knew you were nervous and I shouldn’t have pushed so much.”

“I was a little nervous, but not in a bad way? I think? I liked watching you. And it was hot when I was imagining it.”

“When did it change?” Sebastian’s voice was still that deep rumble in his chest.

“Well, um, the name thing really threw me off. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to remember any of the names, even my own. And I felt like it wasn’t really us anymore. Which I realize is the point of a role play, but it didn’t feel good.”

“That makes sense,” Jamie agreed, his breath warm on Neil’s shoulder.

“And then we got downstairs, and Sebastian looked so… disappointed. I think that was the really hard part. I hate disappointing people. I get anxious about it. I know this was supposed to be pretend, but just the idea of it made me nauseous.”

“Thank you for telling us,” Sebastian replied gently. “I’ll make sure to avoid anything like that in the future. Was there anything else that was triggering?”

“Um… not really. Like, having an audience there made it worse because I felt like it was harder to back out of things. And I didn’t want to disappoint them either. It’s hard to figure out but... I don’t think I would have minded the audience if I knew I wasn’t going to mess things up.” Now he was back to blushing again. He might have fantasized once or twice about being taken in front of a crowd.

“Hmmmmm….” Jamie made a pleased hum.

“So it was mostly the role play and the disappointment aspects of it?” Sebastian sounded like both of these were perfectly reasonable.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve been told all my life that I’m unimaginative and ‘sensitive.’” He couldn’t make air quotes with his arms tangled around Sebastian, but he gave the word the same bite. “I mean, I don’t even have any excuse. I had supportive parents. I had some adequate but lackluster relationships. I don’t have any trauma or anything. I’ve just always gotten sick at the thought of disappointing anyone.”