Page 110 of All Tied Up

“He gave me the silent treatment sometimes. But when he was punishing and manipulating me, he went about it a different way. Remember all those times he planned a special evening just for the two of you, then made sure that I wasn’t included? I wanted us to have separate time as each couple, but not where I felt like an outsider, or like I couldn’t compete.”

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me that at the time?”

“I was inside it, too. I couldn’t see it. I thought I was just overreacting. Or that I needed to process my jealousy to be in a poly relationship. Or a hundred different things. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you, or that the two of you were going to leave me. I know it got really messy at the end, and when he left I was heartbroken.

“But you know what?” Jamie continued. “It’s been almost four years of heaven since then. You and I had some things to work out, but we did it as a team. I thought maybe that I wasn’t really cut out for being poly, but I’m realizing now that the common denominator was Henri.”

Daddy closed his eyes for a long time. When he looked up, his face was lined with grief. “I feel like I failed you. I failed you with Henri, and I’m failing you now with the lodge. If you didn’t want me as your Daddy anymore, I would understand.”

Jamie curved his palms around Daddy’s dear, handsome face, willing him to understand. “I love you more right now than ever before. And do you know why? Because we’re talking about this like partners. We’re figuring things out together because we respect and care for each other. That makes you more qualified to be my Daddy than anyone else in the world.”

Sebastian exhaled slowly. “Thank you, sweetheart. That means more to me than you can know. I wasn’t trying to keep anything from you before but… it’s hard for me to know how much you want to get involved in financial stuff since we both decided I enjoy it and you don’t. Beyond that, I feel like I haven’t even been able to think for the past few days, let alone communicate.”

“Well, we’re communicating now. And I think we’ll need to talk some more about Henri, but not right now. I’m so angry I don’t even want to think about him. My only question is if we would have enough money to keep the lodge if we hadn’t been paying him back all this time.”

Daddy squinted his eyes. “Maybe? I mean, he’s still a partial owner of our company. He could pull out at any time and make us buy him out. So at least he didn’t do that.”

“Small mercies,” Jamie snorted. He wasn’t in a forgiving mood.

“But in answer to your question, if we hadn’t paid him anything, since the Meadowlark hasn’t had a single year of profit, then yes, we would have likely had enough in the operating reserve to cover this. Or at least a better debt-to-income ratio for getting another loan.”

Jamie could never keep all of the financial terms straight, but he understood enough to realize how fucked up this was. He said he hadn’t wanted to talk about Henri, but the rage inside was still growing. “Might I also remind you that Henri wanted all of the high-end, imported furnishings? All of those stupid, expensive bathroom fixtures that break every five seconds and don’t have American replacement parts? We didn’t need to spend this much money on anything. I just wanted a place to climb, and you wanted to manage a B&B. We wanted to keep it small and…”

Jamie couldn’t finish, but he didn’t need to because Daddy’s arms squeezed around him. Jamie snuggled into his shoulder and asked in a small voice, “It’s true, isn’t it? That all of Henri’s luxury choices are why we can never get ahead?”

“Yeah,” Daddy sighed into his hair. “It’s not the whole picture, but it’s true. It’s just too late now. I mean, maybe if we have to sell, we can start over again with a more modest place, see if the second time’s the charm.” His voice sounded bleak, though. Just getting the lodge up and running had taken all of their attention for several years. Jamie wasn’t sure either of them could go through it again.

“Did you call Neil?” Jamie asked, even softer.

Daddy shook his head. “No. I… I know I should. He’d probably have some good advice about selling a place like this before declaring bankruptcy.” He laughed without humor.

That cold laugh chilled Jamie to the bone. It wasn’t like Daddy at all. But it was just how he’d sounded when he’d chased Neil away the morning of the storm.

Jamie had been too stricken by the sight of the tree and everything that it meant for them to even process anything else, and then what energy he had left had gone toward his partner. Daddy had gotten so harsh and distant, needing Jamie and sometimes Maria to remind him just to eat. Jamie had never felt so helpless before, unable to reach his Daddy while dealing with his own set of problems.

But in the long days of clearing out branches, stones, and washed-out mud, he’d replayed the moment endlessly. Daddy had gone cold and Neil had held out his hands in entreaty, like he just wanted to hold both of them. But then he’d dropped his hands to his side and walked back through the door when Daddy chased him away.

Just behind that memory flew the others from that weekend. Neil petting Jamie’s hair on the couch. Paving the path together and then chasing each other across the lawn. Neil’s gorgeous face when he was about to come, looking up at Jamie with so much need and adoration.

On top of that was the way Daddy acted around Neil, doting on him with that look of sublime satisfaction. Jamie knew that look well because it was usually directed at him. Just watching Neil call Daddy Sir took Jamie’s breath away.

The timing was epically shitty, but even if they couldn’t save the lodge, Jamie didn’t want to let this go. Or maybe this was the perfect time. Maybe Neil was meant to find them just now. “Shouldn’t we still call him, then? Even if it’s too late? Ty said he called with some ideas.”

Daddy sucked in a long breath. His words came out in a whisper across Jamie’s hair, a confidence held by the dark. “I guess… I think I’ve been chickening out. He’s just so experienced with this stuff and I feel like a novice. I guess I wanted to impress him. It was like… for this whole week he looked up to me like I was… like he could count on me to take care of him. And now I’m this epic failure who couldn’t even figure out when my ex was fleecing me. Now that you told me about Henri… I just… I want to protect you. And I want to protect Neil, but I don’t know how to do either one.”

Jamie kissed Daddy’s neck, his heart breaking and being pieced back together now that this was out in the open. “You know that’s stupid, right? Being a Dom doesn’t make you infallible. I give you my submission because you love me and care for me in all the little ways, not because of your financial planning skills. I’m sure Neil feels the same way. He’s a grown man. He’s stable and reliable, and most importantly, he knows how to communicate. You can be his Daddy, and mine, without knowing how to solve everything.”

“I know. It’s just… It’s hard to let it go sometimes. I wanted to take away all of his concerns, not add to them.”

“You miss him, don’t you?”

Daddy didn’t answer in words, just nodded against Jamie’s cheek.

“I miss him, too,” Jamie whispered, another secret in the dark.

They both sat with that realization. There was something that could be there. A little seed of a possibility that neither of them had looked for. Jamie didn’t want to let it wither away.

Neil was the best thing that had happened to both of them since they met each other. Jamie had seen it in Daddy’s face every day, and he felt it like a glowing coal in his own chest. It was too soon to call it love, but it was something powerful and right.