Page 61 of Dear Daddy, Please Want Me

Though… that was awfully presumptuous. Saul flashed a look at him. Could he tell? Was it the way his chest looked? It was pretty flat already, and he always wore a binder, but maybe when he was wearing the t-shirt over the weekend instead of his usual blazer it had been more obvious.

“I mean, we met on the day you came out to the office, and you haven’t had any two to three-week vacations since then. I suppose you could have had one earlier.”

“Ah. Yeah. I just… OK. It sounds like you aren’t new to this.” Thank goodness. That was… a huge relief. “But I don’t want to change your perceptions of me. Or disappoint you.”

“The only way you could disappoint me is if you stopped acting like my Daddy.” Levi gave him a look filled with such adoration that it was hard to doubt his honesty. “So, do you want to tell me about your body? Like, what terms to use or what’s OK to touch and what’s off-limits?”

Trust Levi to lead this conversation with absolutely no hesitation.

“Ha! I wish I knew. I kind of made peace with my body as, well, a butch lesbian. I mean, I didn’t hate it. It’s just that now that I’m letting myself identify as a man, I wish I could just be all the way there. I feel like a man, and I want all of my parts to match that. And… maybe this sounds silly, but being with another guy… it’s hard not to compare. So I don’t… I just don’t know yet.”

When Levi responded, he was still upside down, but his voice was completely serious. It was fascinating watching him slip back into that mode. “I don’t want to put any pressure on you to decide anything before you’re ready. And I don’t want to tell you how to feel about your own body. But from my perspective, you’re a man, so all of your parts are man-parts. I won’t be comparing. You just decide what you want to share with me.”

Saul had to close his eyes just to take everything in. He’d been over this conversation so many times in his head with his hypothetical future partners. He’d expected to have to explain everything. To have to convince someone of his masculinity. To have to walk them through all the steps. Or maybe to avoid talking about it but wonder the whole time what the other person thought.

He knew that other trans guys didn’t think it was a big deal. They went on hook-ups and blind dates, and clearly didn’t have any problems. But he wasn’t there yet.

So to have Levi, a gold star gay man, just tell him that he was fine with everything was such a relief that he wasn’t even sure what to do next. It was like planning for a hurricane with all of his emergency essentials stocked up in his underground bunker, and then finding out it was just another sunny day.

Sunny days were good, but he wasn’t sure what to do with all the leftover tension.

“I… Thank you,” he finally managed.

“Nothing to thank me for. Oh, hang on. Funny story.” Whatever Levi was thinking about, he’d already started to smile. It was one of the things that Saul loved about him—how honestly delighted he was with whatever was passing through his mind.

Saul quirked an eyebrow in inquiry. He needed a funny story right now.

“So remember that day of the interview? Well, I kept thinking, the whole time, my new boss is really sexy. We have such a great vibe together. And then I was like… OMG. Am I straight? Like, right in the middle of the interview I was thinking that. And, I mean, I haven’t questioned my identity since I was, I dunno… six? But I was like… what if I don’t know myself at all? Could I be straight? Then at the end you finally introduced yourself and I was like, Thank God I’m still gay.”

Saul burst out laughing. “Really? That’s what you were thinking during that interview? Thank God I’m still gay?”

“Yeah. I mean, I was mostly thinking, My new boss is so hot. It was probably why I said all sorts of stupid stuff. I don’t even remember most of what I said. You were just looking at me with your broody eyebrows, being all stern and Dominant. And then I would say something silly and you would smile, and you looked… affectionate, I guess. And I was thinking, that’s just how I want my Daddy to smile at me. But it was kind of confusing until you explained that you were a guy and I was like… Oh! Now it all makes sense. Phew. Still gay.”

“That’s seriously what you got out of that interview?”

“Well, yeah. New job working with Christy, some new friends to hang out with, and a hot Daddy to have office fantasies about. And I got to help pick your name. I still think that was pretty special.”

“It was.”

Saul wanted Levi closer. He dragged him up until Levi was nestled between his bent knees while they both watched the fire. It was finally starting to sink in that the conversation had gone alright, and all because of this bold, marvelous boy in his arms.

Levi turned his head for a kiss, and touching those soft lips felt like coming home. Like everything was right in his life.

Saul pulled back, but their breath still mingled. There were just no words for how special Levi was to him. How honored he was that he got to hold him like this. How awed he was that Levi was looking at him now with such trust and desire.

He watched some amusing thought pass Levi’s face before he spoke. “One more thing.”

“Hmmm?”

“I want to give you back massages. Pretty, pretty please? Without your shirt. That would be OK, right?”

Saul could only laugh as he squeezed him tighter. The logistics of that sounded pretty manageable, even with his dysphoria. “Of course. I think I’m going to be a spoiled Daddy, too.” Only Levi would think of that as a treat to beg for.

“Good.” Levi rested his head on his shoulder. “That’s how it should be. Because I have the best Daddy in the world.”

15

Saul