Page 205 of In at the Deep End

Matt frowned. “Scared of what?” He sat on the other couch, elbows on his knees, leaning forward.

Owen swallowed. “Of how much I wanted more.” Matt went still, and Owen forced himself to look him in the eye. “I convinced myself I needed to be careful.”

Matt’s jaw tightened. “‘Careful’.”

“Yes.”

“That’s what you called it?”

Owen closed his eyes, as if blotting out the sight of Matt would somehow make him feel better. “Yes.”

“And what exactly did careful mean?” Every word was enunciated so fucking clearly.

Owen looked at him. “It meant not asking you to come over. Not finding excuses for you to stay. Not letting myself reach for you every time you walked through the door.”

Matt stared at him, eyes still wide. “And you thought that was easier?”

“No.” The answer came too quickly. “No, it was awful.”

Matt blinked. “Then why?”

“Because I thought I needed to love you less.”

The room went silent.

“I thought if I could put some distance between us, if I could remind myself what this was supposed to be, then I could stop it before you got hurt.”

Matt’s face went blank, his eyes clouding over. “Before I got hurt?”

“Yes.”

“Owen…”

“I know how that sounds.”

“No.” Matt shook his head. “I don’t think you do.” His voice cracked. “You made me think you didn’t want me anymore.”

Owen flinched.

“I thought I’d done something.”

“You didn’t.”

“I thought maybe the island meant more to me than it did to you.”

Owen closed his eyes. That was the exact opposite of the truth.

“Matt…”

“No, I need you to understand.” His voice grew stronger. “I kept trying to find the reason. Because nothing made sense.”

Owen let out a slow breath. “I thought I was protecting you.”

Matt stared at him. “From what?”

He squared his shoulders. “Me.” His chest felt impossibly tight. “Every time I pulled away, every time I stopped asking you to come over, every time I stopped reaching for you… it wasn’t because I cared less.” Another hard swallow. “It was because I cared too much.”

Matt’s expression softened a little, but he still looked lost.