Page 19 of My Sunfall

Of course we’ve had sex during the three months we’ve been dating. But I’ve made it clear that I am not ready to spend the night. I’ve never told him about my past and how I came to land in this sleepy small town, but I have been honest with him, telling him that I am recovering from a broken heart. He has been understanding and patient with me, and again I want to slap myself for not being able to return his feelings. I told myself in the beginning that eventually, with time, I would. But three months have gone by and although the sex is always great, I can’t seem to like him the way he deserves. I know that I can’t keep pretending, it wouldn’t be fair to him. I will have to end this soon, even if I might hurt his feelings. If only I wasn’t such a coward!

He stands up and brushes a kiss over my cheek. “Gotta go, babe, see you tonight.”

And he is gone, leaving me with my guilt.

I let out a slow breath and push the unpleasant feeling down. I’ll deal with this later. For now, I’ll concentrate on my next call to Lily. I call her once a month to set up a meeting. She drives out with Dante to a random small town I select, and we meet for the afternoon before she drives back. Or, rather, a driver drives her out and a bodyguard stays with her all the time. Even though we both had balked at the idea, Damiano had been unyielding—she would have a driver and a bodyguard with her, and he swore that he would never ask his men where they went, or let anyone know about the meeting. And he has kept his part of the bargain all these months and I am breathing easier now. Over the last months, I’ve come to realize that I miss my sister. I miss Dante. I miss papà. I miss Erin and our karaoke nights. The updates Lily gives me do nothing to alleviate that yearning knotting in my chest whenever I think about the family and friends I left behind. My heart clenches painfully.

Maybe I could stop taking all these precautions now? I don’t even remember anymore why I was so secretive in the first place. I frown. What has kept me from the people I love for so long? Why was I hiding again? Do I need to hide? I shake my head, finding new resolve. I’ll tell Lily during our next meet-up that I’m done cowering. After all, water has flown under the bridge and surely no one is giving a rat’s ass about my whereabouts anymore.

Chapter Eleven

Lucas

Where the fuck is she? The question keeps playing in a loop in my mind. I grit my teeth until my jaw hurts and clench the glass tighter. It’s only water. I’ve stopped drinking, but I’ve never stopped looking for her. The whiskey didn’t kill the ache anymore, it only drowned me. And after that night where D and Teo had to drag me away from the bar, I swore I wouldn’t let myself sink so low again. I need to stay focused, so I quit cold turkey, not touching a single drop since that day. My hands still shake sometimes, especially when my fingers brush over her scarf that I keep in my inside jacket pocket like a talisman, but I don’t need the bottle. I need her. Chiara. Her name circles my mind like a curse and a prayer.

Since she’s been gone, I’m not the same man. I used to be the bright guy who lit up the room, the one who could laugh at anything, joke with anyone. People liked and trusted me. I blinded them like the sun.

‘Phoebus.’ Her teasing voice brushes over my spine like a caress and the hair on my arms stand on end. I chuckle darkly at the fucking irony of it all. Guess what, sweetheart? The sun has fallen, replaced by a dead star that sucks everything and everyone it touches into the black void surrounding it. Now, when I walk into a room, conversations die and faces shutter. No one dares to meet my eyes, and people have started whispering behind my back. “Romano’s lost his mind.”

They’re damn right. I’ve lost a lot more than that. I’ve lost the only person tethering me to sanity. Those stolen looks, that pang in my chest every time she smiled, what I’d thought was friendship and affection was as a matter of fact something else. And I hadn’t seen it then. And now, this something has festered into another thing, something dark and toxic. Obsession is its name. It lives under my skin, slithering through my veins, gnawing at me, clawing me open from the inside.

I see her everywhere, in the crowd, rounding the corner of a building, in the reflection of a café window. Sometimes I think I hear her laughter or her voice calling out my name. Every time I close my eyes and inhale her scarf like a fucking lunatic, it feels like she will be standing in front of me with a teasing smile. Her scent on the scarf had been getting fainter, and I’ve bought a bottle of her perfume to spray on the piece of fabric that has become my lifeline.

Soon she’ll be wearing it again, I vow as I glare down at my glass. She slipped away once, but never again. I will burn the world to the ground before I let her get away again. I had been on a rampage like a rabid beast, tearing through the famiglia, threatening, questioning every person I thought could be linked to her, until the mere sight of me showing up has people scurrying the other way in terror. But I don’t care. If I have to threaten every person, tear apart every building, every city block until I find her, kill every motherfucker who stands in my way, then so be it. My brothers and the famiglia can hate me for it, I don’t give a damn. The only thing that matters is finding her. And when I have her, she won’t fucking leave me again, not this time.

A large hand clasps my shoulder, and I don’t have to look up to know that D has arrived. He squeezes once and lets go to sit down in his usual chair in our unofficial meeting place in the backroom of Teo’s club. Then Teo comes into sight and sits down after a short clap on my back. I nod at them, grateful to have their quiet support.

When the waiter has brought them their usual tumbler of whiskey, I barely wait for him to leave before I lean forward, my hands flat on the table.

“Teo,” I say, “teach me how to hack and track a phone.”

He looks at me with a confused frown. “What?”

“You heard me.” I clench my hands into a fist. “I want to learn how to do it myself. Since you and D won’t help me, and Erin blacklisted me with every goddamn hacker in the country, then fine. I’ll fucking do it myself. But you’re going to teach me how to do it.”

“Luc…” He leans back in his chair, slowly shaking his head. “That’s not something you pick up overnight. It’s more complicated than—”

“I don’t care,” I interrupt him, harsher than intended. My chest heaves and I rake my hand through my hair. “I can’t just sit around and wait for something to happen. I need to actively do something or I’ll go insane.” My voice cracks at the last word and I swallow hard, jaw working.

“Luc.” D’s low voice compels me to look him in the eyes. “We swore to Lily and Erin that we won’t interfere.”

“I know.” I slam my fist on the table hard enough to rattle the glasses. “You two get to go home to your women, to your family. What about me? I can’t fucking go on like this, it’s a struggle to breathe every day. Either you teach me, Teo, or I swear I’ll burn this city to the ground or die trying.”

“Careful,” comes D’s low warning, but I see that he doesn’t mean it. What I see in their eyes is pity and it makes me fucking sick.

“I don’t need your goddamn pity,” I grind out. “I need to find her. And you’re gonna show me how.”

Teo is about to say something, but D’s low voice cuts in.

“What about we…chat for a while.”

I frown at him in confusion. “Now’s not the time to—”

“It’s as good a time as any,” he interrupts, his eyes boring into mine.

I look over to Teo who seems to be equally confused. I turn back to D and narrow my eyes. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m not saying anything, I’m chatting. Just a casual chat between friends. Got it?”