Page 89 of State of Ruin

“Tough shit. That’s not how it works, unfortunately for me. I fell in love with you before I found out about all the… stuff,” she finishes diplomatically.

“But I want to earn it.” I mean it.

A sly little smile. “That sounds pretty good to me.”

“Do not make this about sex. I’m trying to be sincere here. I haven’t made amends yet, and I don’t know how to.”

She’s studying me like I’m some fascinating animal in a zoo. “Baby, it’s not about making amends. There’s no scorecard. It’s about being sorry, and meaning it, and trying to do better.”

“That doesn’t sound like enough,” I begin, but she’s shaking her head.

“You’ve done plenty. You’ve laid yourself bare. Told me so many family secrets that I could make a documentary out of them. And better than that, you’re doing the work. That’s the biggest sign that you’re serious about changing. Do you know how awesome that is? I was so impressed by your progress. I don’t know if you realize this, but it was really obvious in your letters that you’ve been making huge strides.”

She’s so sweet. I slide my hands down her neck and along her shoulders. She’s tiny under that sweater. “But the—cycling incident. I can’t believe you invited me here after that. I kept thinking maybe A.J. didn’t ever get that letter to you and it was all a mistake. I can’t believe your sister could stomach the sight of me after what I did.”

She sighs. “I showed her the letter. We had a long talk. And we were pretty unanimous in our verdict.”

I clear my throat nervously. “Which was…?”

“That you were a scared kid and your parents are assholes. Sorry.” She shrugs like she’s not remotely sorry. “That wasn’t your worst moment, you know. I’m not going to judge you on what you did twenty years ago.”

The inference is clear. What I did a few weeks ago as a grown-ass man was way, way worse.

“Still. The parallel is horrific.”

“Yeah, it’s brutal. What are the chances?” She hesitates. “Did you go see that lady? Maria? Sylvie is dying to know.”

That makes me chuckle a little. “Figures. Is that why she let me stay the night?”

“Absolutely. She wants me to get all the tea and then she’ll probably interrogate you over hot chocolate tomorrow morning, too.”

I shift on the couch and haul her over me so she’s sitting sideways in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder and my arms banded tightly around her. “I saw her,” I say.

“And?”

I blow out a breath. “And… she was very shocked and, I’d say, extremely gracious, given the circumstances. She knew of my family, but she had no clue it was us who’d paid her off and hushed her up.”

“Was she angry?”

I consider. “I think, like you, she was more pissed at my folks than me. She has a son, so I suspect that factored into the grace she was able to extend to me. She did say my parents should have marched me over to face the music, though.”

“That’s exactly what Sylvie said.”

“Yeah. The maternal instinct is an amazing thing… unless it turns you into a fucking monster, like my mom’s.”

“So is she going to do anything? Maria?”

“Nah. For her, it was very much buried in the past. I think she recognized it for what it was: my need to look her in the eye and apologize. She said that even though the people who paid her off were clearly ‘rich assholes’—her words—she apparently had a lot of complications during her son’s birth. Unrelated to the injuries I caused, but it meant she was able to really max out the costs of her ob-gyn care on my parents’ dime.”

A soft laugh against my chest. “I love that. Karma, bitch.”

“Exactly. The thing that got me, though⁠—”

My voice hitches, and she sits upright, her eyes wide. “What?”

“When she opened the front door, there was this photo of a boy graduating high school, I guess—he had his cap and gown on. And he looked like such a fine young man, you know? And it just hit me there and then that if—if things had gone more badly that night, she could have lost her baby, and that photo would’ve never been there. Like—it just would’ve been a blank space on the wall. A whole human life that never happened because of me.”

I start to cry again, with harsh, hacking noises, and she throws her arms around me. “Oh my God. Oh, that’s so awful, but you can’t think like that! You can’t spend your whole life letting this eat you up. You made some mistakes, and people got hurt, but everyone is fine. Maria’s fine, and Sylvie’s fine, and I’m fine. You’ve just got to move forward.”