Page 29 of Saving Meadow

“The fuck did you just say?” he growled.

“Umm… which part?”

“The filler part,” he sneered.

Oh boy, he was mad.

“You know the women you date when you’re done sleeping around but not ready to settle down and get married. The fillers.” I heard the words coming out of my mouth, and I watched as his eyes narrowed into two small slits, but I couldn’t stop. “The woman you use to cut your teeth on, see if you’re ready for a real relationship.”

“I’ve heard some fucked up shit in my life. I’ve seen even more. I’ve seen the viciousness one person can inflict on another. But never have I witnessed someone be so cruel to themselves. Beyond that, you think so little of me that not only do you think I would use you, but you think I would use other women to cut my teeth. That is jacked. Everything you just said is so fucked up I don’t know where to begin to straighten your shit out. You. Are. Not. Filler. Not to me, not to any other man. I still don’t understand what the hell that means. Your head is so twisted you’ve imagined some bullshit universe where that makes sense. It doesn’t. It’s fucked, Meadow!”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I was trying to explain that I know I don’t have anything to offer a man long term. And I’ve made peace with it.”

My clarification didn’t seem to calm him down any; he was still red-hot mad.

“Offer a man? What the hell does that mean?”

“I can’t have kids!” I all but yelled, and Sally popped her head up and pinned her ears to her head. Damn, now I was pissing Sally off, too.

“And?” he shrugged.

He shrugged like it was no big deal. Like me being barren didn’t make me less than a woman.

“Does there need to be more?”

“Red, I’m real sorry to hear that happened. I’m not a woman. I imagine it’s difficult. And I’m not saying this to be a dick, but do you think you’re the first person that’s been unable to have children? It sucks, I get it. But if you want to have kids, adopt. Just because you cannot physically grow them in your body does not mean that they will be any less yours. Just so you know, that’s not a deal breaker for me. I wasn’t raised by my biological parents. My dad died before I was born, and my mom was in jail from the time I was eleven to the day she died. My uncle and aunt raised me, and I can promise you they didn’t love me any less because I was not theirs biologically. I was lucky Nolan and Reagan were there and took me in; a lot of kids don’t have that. Why wouldn’t I want to give that to a child that needs it? Why wouldn’t you? So, yes, Meadow, there needs to be more.”

“I…” There was nothing I could say that didn’t make me sound selfish or like a bitch. But he was right; I could adopt. I had considered adopting a child on my own one day. I honestly didn’t believe a man would ever want a woman as badly damaged as me. Not that I would tell Nick that; he was mad enough at me already.

“Come here.” He tugged my hand, pulling me to him. Actually, he pulled me over him until I was practically sitting in his lap. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

I hadn’t realized I’d started, but now he’d drawn attention to it, I felt the tears falling. I hated crying and didn’t want him to see me so weak.

“Sorry.” I swiped at the tears on my cheeks. “I hate crying. I did enough of it for years.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. Meadow, you have to stop thinking the worst of yourself. You are no man’s second best. You are a strong, beautiful, woman.”

I snugged into his chest, soaking up as much heat as I could. I needed it. I needed the comfort he offered if only for tonight.

“I don’t feel strong. I’m sitting on your lap crying like a baby. And I haven’t felt pretty or like a woman in a long time.”

“We’ll change that,” he said with a confidence that sounded a lot like arrogance.

“I don’t see how,” I argued.

Nick’s hand came up, and he brushed my hair from my face, exposing the scar. When I tried to burrow my face into his chest, he stopped me and forced my chin up until I was looking into his eyes. I’d never seen eyes like his. One was green; the other was half-green half-brown. It might’ve been the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I was going to tell him so when he stopped me in my tracks.

“Red, one day soon I’m gonna love you so hard you won’t remember a time you didn’t have it. I’m gonna start here.” He tapped my forehead. “Then I’m gonna move to here.” His hand moved to my heart, and I felt a zap when he touched my skin. “After I know I’ve made you a believer, I’ll move here.” He brushed the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip. I fought the urge to snake my tongue out and suck it into my mouth. “I’m gonna love you so thoroughly and carefully with my mouth and fingers there will be no doubt you’re all woman.”

Sweet Jesus! Did he say that? I was ready to tell him he’d already made me a believer so we could get to the mouth and fingers part of his program.

15

The beauty of a text message

“Hey, Kristy. Glad I caught you.”

“Whatcha got Nick? Kilby needs these cell phone records asap,” she said, stopping at my desk.