Page 28 of Saving Meadow

“No way. Our servers back everything up, even folders a client deleted on their end.”

That was it. The missing piece I needed.

14

The Filler

Something was working behind Nick’s eyes. The rest of the world had fallen away, and he was deep in thought. It was interesting to watch; he looked like he was putting a puzzle together in his mind. Every few seconds his brow scrunched, then he’d relax, and the corner of his mouth would pull down. My favorite was when he was concentrating extra hard; he’d bite the corner of his bottom lip.

I picked up my abandoned pizza and took a bite, nudging his knee. “Hungry?” I laughed.

“Yeah, sorry. What’s funny?”

“You. Has anyone ever told you, you make funny faces when you’re thinking?”

“I do?” he laughed. “No. No one has ever told me that. Sorry. I didn’t mean to space out on you.”

“It’s okay. Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

Nick picked up his pizza and took a bite while I gathered my thoughts. I wasn’t sure how to ask without sounding like a silly teenager, but not knowing was driving me crazy.

“Why did you tell Beth you were my boyfriend?” I rushed out.

“Honestly?” He put his pizza on the plate and set it on the coffee table.

“Yeah.”

I wished I hadn’t asked the question. Here was the part where he told me that he only said it to stick up for me. Beth was a bully and, of course, someone like Nick would want to put her in her place. But somewhere deep inside of my belly butterflies had taken flight when he said he was my boyfriend. It was stupid. I had no chance with a man like Nick, regardless if he said he wanted to kiss me and he’d said I was beautiful. I knew my place. There was no way I’d be able to keep him, and I didn’t know if my heart would survive when it ended.

“I said it for two reasons. The most important one is I want to get to know you. I want to take you out on a date and show you off before I bring you home and kiss you. I want to watch movies and eat pizza at home while I listen to you tell me stories about your childhood. I want things with you, I’ve never wanted with another woman. If that needs to be labeled as your boyfriend? I’m good with that – more than good actually. I don’t want to freak you out, we’ll go slow and take our time, but Meadow Holiday, there is something about you that has made this whole other side of me come alive. I can’t explain why - it just is what it is. I’m smart enough to know not to fight it and aware enough to know you’re going to fight it every step of the way. I’m ready for the battle, even if that means I have to go to war with what’s swirling around inside your head. I’ll fight for you, for us, for you to give us a chance. That’s all I need, a chance.”

I was most definitely still under hypnosis. I’d asked him before if he was real, if I was awake, and he told me he was but – I had to be dreaming.

No one had ever wanted to fight for me, not even before my attack. Sure, I’d had dates, men had found me attractive, but there was no deep connection. Not that I’d ever felt. Since the day I’d woke up in the hospital, I’d felt like my life was over. I’d lost so much, and not just my looks; my sense of security, my self-confidence, and my future were gone. The attack was my fault. I’d left willingly with someone who’d tried to kill me. How could I ever trust myself again? I was no good to myself or to someone else. But now there was Nick, saying all the right things, and I desperately wanted to believe him.

“And the second reason?” I asked.

“Because no one is going to ever make you feel less than when I’m around. That woman wasn’t saying she was surprised you had a man because she was happy for you. She was trying to put you down and get the upper hand. And that, Red, is a no-go for me. I told her this, and I’ll tell you; you are a hundred times more appealing than her, and it has nothing to do with physical appearance. You can take one look at her and know she is nasty and rotten to her core. You, on the other hand, are pure sweetness. I’d take you with a burlap sack, sleep hair, and morning breath over her at her best any day of the week.”

I nodded and picked up my pizza taking a bite. I didn’t know what to say and figured if I shoved pizza in my mouth I wouldn’t have to respond.

No such luck when Nick asked, “Are you alright with that?”

“With what?”

“All of it.”

I closed my eyes and squeezed them together, not wanting to see his face. “After… you know.” I was so fucking tired of saying the word attacked. “I got an infection. Even with antibiotic treatment, there was major damage to my reproductive organs. I had to have a hysterectomy. I can’t have children. I’m twenty-six years old, and I’ll never be a mother.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, baby.”

I heard his words and the pity in his voice. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me; I wanted him to wise up and stop the madness.

“Nothing can come of this between us; you know that, right? I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight. You’re a great guy, and I believe you think you mean all those nice things you said to me. But let’s face it, I’m not marriage material. I’m filler. That’s all I can be. I thought I was okay being that for you. But I was wrong. There’s no way I can get to know you and not develop feelings. I think it’s best if we walk away now before my heart gets broken.”

There. I’d said it. I let him off the hook, and when I opened my eyes I figured I’d see some sort of relief on his face. After all, I was being practical; he’d want a family one day, I couldn’t give that to anyone. However, I didn’t see relief. I saw so much anger I recoiled and scooted as far away from him as I could in the small space the couch would allow.