Page 31 of This Changes Everything

Rory didn’t know that I tried to go back but started having panic attacks, or that I constantly questioned myself. I started to believe I had blown it all out of proportion. I must have misunderstood his intentions. Maybe it wasn’t a “big deal” that a middle-aged man I barely knew had been confusingly, uncomfortably observing me since I was fifteen. Maybe it wasn’t a “big deal” that he wanted to buy me presents and have me wear articles of his clothing. I told myself that everyone was probably right; maybe I was just a dramatic, ridiculous, stupid, silly little girl. Echoing through my imagination, every single junior was saying the exact same thing: “Did you hear what Ellie said about Caleb’s dad? Who does she think she is? She’s not that special.”

I was paralyzed at the thought of the people at Juniper talking about it, about me, people I had grown up with making fun of me, judging me like everyone else, like every audition I’d ever gone to.

Juniper was my childhood. It was the safest place in the world. And then it wasn’t. It was my happy place. And then it wasn’t. It was at Juniper where, for the very first time, I felt like I belonged. It was at Juniper where I fell in love before I knew what love was. And it was there, on the putting green, where I grew up.

My life at Juniper was everything to me, and then everything was gone.

Chapter 11

NEW YORK 20 years old

BRONWYN SCHOOL FOR THE ARTS WAS CLOSED DUE TO FLOODING. We were expected to be out for a week, and I was deeply unsettled when Ben told me he was going to Boston for his birthday to catch some basketball with Lucas and some other guys from school. I wondered if the thought of him leaving made me uncomfortable because it meant I would be living and sleeping alone, or if it was because it was him leaving.

I finished my Thursday evening shift at the production company. Ben and I were to meet at the diner across the street from Grayrock, and I waited for him in the vinyl booth, slumped in my seat, eyes on the sticky table. I didn’t notice he’d entered the diner until he had already sat down across from me.

“What are we having?” Ben shook his arms out of his jacket and grabbed the menu.

“Um, I don’t know, I haven’t looked yet.” I didn’t look up, lost in my own moment. “When’s Boston again?”

“Leaving the day after tomorrow. But I’ll be back when Hannah and Kara get here for our birthday thing.” He eyed me over the menu. “What’s up? Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ben put the menu down and sat back in his seat. “What happened?”

“Nothing.” A tear slipped down my cheek, and I quickly pushed it away with the bottom of my palm, then ran my fingers through my hair. I picked up the menu, playing the part of “normal.”

“You’re crying.” Ben grabbed the menu from my hands and put it behind his back so I couldn’t reach it.

“I just had a bad day, okay? Justin’s an asshole.”

“Ellie. Stop it. What happened?”

I took a shaky inhale, another tear slipped, and Ben lifted from his seat and squeezed himself next to me. He pulled me in to his side.

I groaned. “I asked if he could introduce me to his agent. I gave him my two-year-old headshot and embarrassing résumé that only has, like, four commercials and body-double, stand-in shit on it. I felt like an idiot the entire time, but I did it.”

“Okay . . . ?” Ben waited for me to finish.

“He brought me into his office, closed the door, and told me to do push-ups.”

Ben’s head snapped back. “What?”

I took in a wobbly breath. “He said he didn’t believe that I wanted it enough. Then he laughed and said, ‘Push-ups should do the trick.’ So I did push-ups inside his tiny fucking office as he leaned against his desk and counted loudly so everyone at the company could hear what I was doing. I was just . . . on the ground, looking at his fucking feet.” An uncontrollable sob escaped me. “I can’t believe I did it. I hate him. I fucking hate him.” Another sob fell out. “Fuck,” I said, gasping for air and wiping my face with my hands. Saying it out loud made everything a bit more real, and I felt sick not just at what happened, but at admitting to myself and someone else what happened. I don’t know what made me feel worse, holding it in or letting it out.

“Ellie, I don’t know what to say.” Ben held on to my shoulder as if I might float away. After a long moment, he stood up, taking me with him. He reached over the table and grabbed his coat. “Come on, let’s go home.”

He held my hand as we walked across the street. The red R in the Grayrock sign was blinking.

“Do you want to watch TV tonight and just eat chips?” he asked as we pushed our way through the revolving doors.

We moved the nightstand and pushed our beds together. We lay under the covers and watched absolutely nothing that mattered. I barely paid attention to the TV’s blue humming light. Ben put his arm around me, and I cuddled into his chest.

“You tired?” We had devoured a family-size bag of chips, Diet Cokes, and leftover Chinese food, and watched a couple of hours of television. We had already changed into our pajamas and brushed our teeth. It was past midnight.

“Yeah. Tired.” I pushed my head to the side so I was resting in the crook of his armpit.

“Do you want me to move the beds back?” Ben asked quietly. He had never asked that before. He always just did it, assuming our usual solo sleeping positions.