Page 103 of This Changes Everything

“It was his birthday, and he called me into his office. He looked at his assistant and jokingly said, ‘She’s come in here of her own free will, right?’ The assistant laughed, because what else was he supposed to do without getting fired? My boss closed the door and played a video of a naked woman with an enormous candle stuck in her asshole. The guy in the video blew it out, and my boss then asked if I would do the same.” I remained calm.

I could tell that Rory had stopped breathing.

“Being Canadian, I need companies to sponsor my visa to stay in the country. So, when something like that happens, I don’t do it, but I also don’t feel like I can ever really do anything about it without the threat of losing my job. If I lose my job, I lose my sponsorship and my visa. Everything comes tumbling down after that. I would get deported, lose my home, country, network, career, friends. My whole life.”

“Ellie . . .” Rory’s voice was strangled.

“It’s scary for me, because sometimes it feels like, to survive it, I need to be ‘one of the good ones.’ ” I used air quotes, echoing Craig’s line from the concert. “So I stood there, laughed, and did nothing except hate myself.”

Rory clearly didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.

“Same guy,” I continued, letting out a shaky breath this time. My eyes locked onto the spinning ceiling fan. “He threatened cutbacks, which, to me, meant I needed to fight for my job and everything that came with it. He called it a performance review, and for that review, the only question he asked was how I liked to give head.”

Rory shot up into a seated position like a rocket. I sat up with him, holding the sheets under my armpits to cover my body.

“I quit. I was about to be kicked out of the country, but miraculously got another job, another sponsorship, with a demotion and a sixty percent pay cut, where I was bullied and publicly humiliated by a supervisor for over a year.” I inhaled sharply. “It’s not always like that. I’ve met and worked with some incredible people, but now and then someone comes along . . . There are a lot of stories, Rory.”

“I don’t . . . Ellie . . .” Rory was at a loss for words.

“At my job now, we used to have these development meetings, with ten or so people, sometimes more, all trying to build a show together.” My heart pumped in my throat. Rory gripped my hand, anticipating what would come next. “Craig, who you met tonight, used to sit across from me at our conference table during these meetings. And he would send me emails about the very graphic, very explicit things he wanted to do to me on that table. He would sit there, hear my computer ding when I received his emails, and get off on watching me read them, silently . . . in front of everyone.”

“Ellie.” Rory’s voice was thick.

I looked at him for the first time, and his eyes were black as night.

“So it’s not that I don’t want to come back to Vancouver. When I came to LA, I was running away from everyone I’ve ever loved. I ran, and I ran, and I ran. By the time I finally realized that no one was running with me, and that I didn’t like where I was going, I was already lost.”

Rory put his hand on top of mine.

Tears dropped to my cheeks. “When I first got into the water, I was just a kid going on auditions, doing what I was told in a room full of adults. I twisted myself in knots, doing whatever I could for my dreams to come true, hoping they would pick me. The water wasn’t boiling then. I don’t know when that happened.” I moved my unfocused stare to the end of my bed, to the dresser that held my TV. Sitting on the dresser was my lucky golf ball.

“Every day, I think, ‘Was it worth it?’ I’m good at my job. People at home think what I do is cool. My parents are proud. But was it worth it? I lost you to New York. I lost Ben to LA. I ran away from my family and friends. Now I feel like I don’t have anything if I don’t have this career that I’ve sacrificed everything for, including myself.”

Rory placed one hand over his mouth. We sat in silence. I knew his brain was turning, trying to find the right words. The whir of the ceiling fan seemed to be getting louder.

“I waited my whole life to see who I could become in Los Angeles . . . I never thought this was who I would be.” I shook my head, defeated, then broke through the silence again. “They say LA will chew you up and spit you out. I feel pretty chewed, but now I just want them to fucking choke on me. I’ve worked too hard and I’ve put up with too much to let them spit me out.” I closed my eyes. “That’s why I’m still here. I need to prove to myself that everything was worth it.”

“How are you going to do that? What do you need to feel that way?” Rory choked over his words.

“I don’t know . . . My parents used to say I was chasing dragons. But I think I’m the dragon. I’m pursuing some version of myself that I’ve only ever caught small glimpses of and that won’t ever exist. I’m the dragon, and I’m chasing my own tail.”

Rory’s rasp cut through the dark and quiet. He slipped his fingers under my bracelet, tying us together. “I know you might not feel this way, but when I look at you, Ellie, time stands still. I see you as you were, and as you are, and I love every version of you. If you run, I’m running with you.”

I let out one more sigh, then said, “Thank you . . .” I smiled meekly, needing to stop myself from crying. “I can take a picture of my shit now, if you want.” I laughed softly, but Rory wasn’t laughing with me.

“I’m going to kill Craig on Monday. You know that, right?”

“Nothing has happened in over a year except for some random texts and tonight’s weirdness. I need you to believe me. Most of this stuff is long in the past. I just wanted you to know about it. About me.”

Rory was nodding, but I could see his brain working a mile a minute.

I twisted my fingers into his and kissed his hands. “Rory, listen to what I’m saying. I’m okay.”

“Okay.” Rory nodded solemnly, blinking again. Life was making its way back into his distressed expression. “Do you promise you’ll tell me if something else happens?”

“Of course I will.”

“Good, because I have a guy.”