Page 43 of Tears of Gold

But since I found Ava, my former tolerance is waning. I want more than the meager illusion of freedom I carry and I’m starving for something I didn’t even know I was missing. A mere hour ago, I struck the crown prince of our nation because I refused to give up thoughts of Ava—an act which I will no doubt be punished for. Yet somehow, I feel lighter for it and not because I’m missing most of my qi.

Mera bats long copper lashes at me. “I’m so glad you changed your mind! The New Year’s Festival wouldn’t have been the same without you. I’m sure Her Majesty agrees?”

My mother pats Mera’s hand affectionately. “Exactly! Now, why don’t you take lady Mera out on the floor and show everyone how well you dance?”

A burning desire to refuse pulses through my chest, but when have I ever refused my parents? I’ve used up a lifetime’s worth of rebellion today. Bile burns up through my throat, and I shape my fingers as if I was holding a wine glass. In moments, a servant slips a glass into my grip, and I toss back the whole lot in one draught. Qi Lords, I might die while standing upright on my own two feet tonight.

“Lady M-Mera?” I offer her my gloved hand reluctantly and she takes it, a gleeful look sparking in her eyes. It appears she’s been working her way into my mother’s good graces while I wasn’t looking. I glance back at the empress and find her watching us, and although her face is a polite mask, the faint tilt of her head tells me she’s pleased. My heart freefalls to my toes. This is not the life I want.

Thankfully the musicians strike up a slow enough tune that I can force my feet through the steps in a reasonable semblance of timing.

Mera throws me a pitiful look. “It must be hard for you enduring the bleak academy life and missing out on all of this.”

It’s difficult to hear Mera through the throb of my heartbeat thundering so loudly in my ears my whole head seems to pulse with the force, but it’s just as hard to hear her say things which means she knows absolutely nothing about me. This is the woman I’m supposed to marry? A tiny flash of anger rises.

“Actually, I pre-prefer the quiet of De . . . Tuan. Not a-all of us enjoy the glamor.” I want to say more, but I hold my tongue. Her father is the royal treasure and as my father’s closest friend, anything I say here will no doubt find its way into his ears before day end.

Her carefully shaped brows jump with surprise.

“But you’re a royal!”

“Ind-deed.” Yes, please don’t remind me. As if the shredded qi crumbling within my essence with every step wasn’t enough to remind me of my gilded cage.

Vanrey’s short message runs through my mind over and over as I spin Mera out, touching her as little as possible when we meet. Just because he found them doesn’t mean Ava is unharmed. What if he’s not replying specifically because she was injured by the blast? A hot, prickling flush runs up my spine, making me nauseous with the unnatural heat. Qi Lords, if something happened to Ava, I might lose my mind.

There’s a noticeable shift in the crowd as the dance nears the end as the other noble elemental single women push towards me. Although Mera is rumored to be my future partner, the other families know nothing is sure until it’s formally announced, which means they continue to try to catch my attention.

Another reason I hate returning to the palace.

Between the crowd I catch sight of Vanrey, dressed formally in white pants and a jade green wrap jacket with white threading across just one side. A star medallion pinned on his chest where it catches the festival light with every movement marks him as a Royal Elite, one of only two positions in the empire. No wonder Anik is pissed; he hasn’t been given an Elite bodyguard yet.

Vanrey’s simplicity stands out against the overdressed nobles and my heart double beats with relief. My aide offers me a simple nod, letting me know my loves are back at the academy.

Now I just need to get back there myself.

I flash him my most subtle pleading look and he steps to my side the moment my dance with Mera ends, beating the crush to women by a millisecond.

“Forgive me, ladies,” he says smoothly. “But I must steal His Highness away. There are some people he needs to speak with.”

I nod briskly to Mera and follow him, anchoring my graying vision to the rigid set of his broad shoulders. I don’t need to hear his words to know he’s upset at finding me here.

“The Empress s-summoned me,” I murmur.

“And I suppose you can’t leave yet?”

I shake my head and his lips flatten.

The next hour blurs as I smile politely and make small talk about my academy studies with nobles I have no interest in, Vanrey tactfully guiding me between the most important guests but not allowing me to stay with any one person for long, while simultaneously shielding me from further dance requests. Several nobles mention the assassination attempt and express their relief that I survived. The strain of holding myself together turns into a hellish nightmare and sweat runs down my back until the tunic clings wetly to my skin.

I have to stand beside Anik at some point while a toast is made to the Exerin crown, and his rigid grip on my shoulder promises his soon coming vengeance.

My cheeks ache, and my insides are on fire by the time I excuse myself and return to my suite, staggering with blurred vision. I can’t even draw a full breath as I collapse to sit on the bed, the internal heat distorting my sense of self after years with ice in my core.

Even my tears melt as they slip from my lashes to roll down my cheeks, the mirror on the opposite wall showing the paint around my eyes coating them until I’m crying golden tears. My royal mask slips down my face until broken smears are all that remain of my war paint.

A cool cloth brushes my cheeks, drawing out a little of the heat. Vanrey kneels at my feet, but I can’t tell if the wet shimmer in his bright green eyes belongs to him or if its my own blurred vision.

“R-report,” I mutter, closing my eyes.