Page 65 of Power Play

“I want to know about your college experience, but I don’t want us to dwell on our time apart.”

“You don’t want to know about any relationships?” she guessed.

“Not really. Not unless you want to tell me.”

I felt more than I heard her chuckle. “There’s not much to tell, Jason. I told you I didn’t date much. I was too focused on school.”

I let out a sigh. “Me neither. There were a few casual flings but nothing serious.”

“Okay.” She traced my fingers with one of hers, and my heart rate picked up. “I never thought we’d be here again, but I think some part of my heart or brain was comparing every other guy to you. They never measured up.”

That was a boost I didn’t know I needed. It was also reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this. “I was the same way. I never felt like I could completely be myself. I had to protect myself because I never trusted anyone the way I needed to.”

“Why not?” She shifted and rested her head in the space where my chest met my arm. I savored the feeling of having her this close. It had been so, so long since I held her.

“I think it was because I knew that people could leave. That I could love someone with my entire being and it might not be enough, so I kept everyone at a distance. I never fully opened up to anyone, not the way I did with you.”

“I did the same thing, but it was because I knew no one would be able to live up to you and what we had. My family tried to convince me I had romanticized things and only remembered the good, but that wasn’t it. I never met anyone I could be myself with. I felt like I had to measure up to something. That I had to be what they expected, but it was never like that with you. I was too young to even think like that so I never tried. I was just me, and you loved me.”

That was it. She somehow put into logical words what I felt anytime I tried to date. My parents gave me the same rose-colored-glasses speech. Not because they didn’t love her, but because they worried that I had the bar set impossibly high over the memory of Taylor. That I put her and our relationship on an untouchable pedestal. Maybe I had, but was that so wrong? To want relationships to live up to what I once had? To be better? So far nothing had come close.

“I think I loved you so much because of the way you loved me. How you rooted for me, supported me, and pushed me. You made me a better person.” I ran my free hand down her smooth arm. “I never held back with you. I knew I could be open and you would accept me.”

She twisted enough so she could lock eyes with me. “I’m not sure why we needed the time apart. Maybe we needed to learn to fully appreciate each other.” She tightened her grip on my hand. “But it was worth it. All of it. The tears and heartache and wondering. I would go through it all again if it meant finding you in the end.”

I bent forward and kissed her forehead. “I’m not sure why either. And I don’t know how we found each other. It doesn’t make sense. There are too many pieces that had to come together perfectly.” I shook my head. “It’s so illogical that I know it was meant to be. Some force, maybe fate, brought us together. I know it’s meant to be.”

She smiled. “It’s hard to argue that.”

“I’m still scared though.”

Her eyes searched my face. “Why?”

“It’s been almost too easy.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Easy?”

“Yes, you literally walked back into my life, and sure we had a few things to clear up, but doesn’t this feel easy? You and me here right now? This feels so natural. Effortless.”

She scrunched her nose. “I think we deserve a little easy after everything we’ve been through.”

I nodded and leaned my head back. “Maybe we had to go through so much hardship to prove ourselves. To see the absolute best and worst in each other and still choose to be together. Every relationship goes through tests, we just got hit with a really tough one early on.”

“We do tend to do things out of order.” She let out a small laugh. “I only learned to trust you recently though.”

“You didn’t before?” I asked.

“Well, back then I did, but that kind of went out the window. I didn’t know if I could forgive you, until you told me why you left. The pain you felt and how lost you were, that’s when I finally understood. That’s when I knew I could trust you again.”

“Because I told you?”

“You were honest and vulnerable. You admitted your mistake and helped me understand. That’s something I needed from you without really knowing it. It would have been one thing to just tell me you were sorry, but it was more that you opened up and explained your feelings. I saw how horrible you still felt about it. I knew you were sorry for leaving, but seeing how much you missed our son?” She cleared her throat. “That’s what did it. I needed to know I wasn’t mourning him alone.”

I squeezed her. “You were never alone.”

“We’ve already been through more than most couples endure in a lifetime.”

I nodded. “We needed to make those mistakes to learn from them.”