Page 60 of Penalty Kill

“They’ve helped me find a different side of me. They’ve shown me how much I enjoy seeing them learn and grow, but that doesn’t mean I should stay. Sometimes we’re only meant to experience something for a short period of time. I can take my experience here and apply it to my next chapter.”

“Don’t.” Chloe actually sounded angry. “Don’t treat them like they’re just a tool for you to use and get something out of before moving on. They’re a family, one you have deeply immersed yourself in. They gave you their trust. Their hearts. How can you not see that?”

How had this night turned into an attack?

“I do see that, and it’s why I should leave sooner rather than later. I’m not someone for people to get attached to. It’s not in my nature to stay.” I shook my head. “I don’t know why I have this desire, this deep need to keep moving. I just know that it's paralyzing when I ignore it.”

“Maybe you’re searching for something you haven’t had yet,” Addison added quietly.

I took a deep breath. “I think I am.”

“And you still haven’t found it?” Madi asked.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

To my surprise, they dropped it. Each of them seemed to be stuck in their heads, mindlessly snacking on the desserts and staring ahead at the TV.

I doubted any of them saw my point of view, but I didn’t expect them to. They were happy. They were a part of this amazing, makeshift family. They found where they belonged.

I still hadn’t.

When the guys got home, everyone was quick to leave. I said goodbye and forced a smile, but as soon as they were gone, I finally relaxed.

Brandon gave me space, but the boys wanted to sit with me until bedtime. I rubbed their backs while we watched their favorite movie for the third or fourth time that week.

“Did you guys have fun?”

They nodded.

“I missed you, though,” Milo said quietly.

“I missed you, too.” I shouldn’t have said it. I shouldn't give any of them reason to hold onto me, but it was the truth. When they were gone, I missed them. That didn’t mean I had reason enough to stay. We’d all move on eventually.

Brandon leaned against the doorframe. “It’s time for bed, boys.”

They sighed and started to slide off my bed, but Finn paused. “I love you, Sydney.”

Milo looked between his brother and me. “I love you, too.”

I smiled and told them goodnight, not daring to repeat those words back to them even though I felt them to my core.

They disappeared and I wiped under my eyes. I never expected this to happen. I didn’t feel worthy of it. But their words, spoken without being prompted, gave me clarity. I knew what I had to do.

19

Brandon

Sydney was amazing at putting on an act over the last seven weeks, but I saw through it. She improved each day, and according to her last check in, she only needed another week of bed rest.

That meant seven more days before she was free to run. I knew it was coming. I ruined things in the hospital. If there was a way for me to go back and never ask her to stay, never put that pressure on her, I would. I’d give anything to change things, to put the pieces back where they’d been before.

That was how I thought of life now. Before and after the accident. Before, when life made sense, to after, when it stopped. Before, I looked forward to each day... to after, the impending countdown pressing down on me.

I could tell her to stay. Demand that she honor the contract, but how could I hold her to anything from before?

Being here ruined her life. It took so much from her. If what she wanted was to leave, then I wouldn’t stop her.

I stared down at the envelope that would give her the means to live her dream. I didn’t want to give it to her. I knew it would cement her decision. It killed me to know, but watching the boys with her tore my heart to shreds. They had no idea what was coming. They wouldn’t understand. They told her every day that they loved her, and she smiled and hugged them, but never said it back. I knew she did. She fell for them months ago. Maybe she was trying to protect them, but it stung.