Page 76 of Pretender

The warm sensation I got when I found him next to me in Florence nestles into my stomach again, swelling, confusion roaring alongside it.

Stop thinking. Dangerous territory.

Bloody hell, brain, why are you interfering in my orgasm?

I arch off the bed, rubbing my fingers furiously across my clit. Up and down, back and forth.

Come on. Sexy Aiden, Aiden, Aiden.

Sigh.

I lost it.

Frustration fills me, and I let out a long scream into my pillow before I flop back over into my starfish position, panting for air.

What would have happened if I hadn’t had food poisoning? Aiden suggested staying another night to make sure I’d fully recovered, but I said I had to get home. I didn’t trust myself that close to him, but I can’t help wonder. Would something have happened if I’d accepted? Would I be coming with his hand between my legs and his satisfied grin above me? Would I ask him to sleep in my bed?

I guess that’s what I was both dreaming of and running away from.

For so long I’ve assumed he doesn’t take anything seriously, but that’s not true, is it? He took my food poisoning seriously. He’s taken my company needing him seriously. He makes me feel like I’m enough, I’m worth something, instead of tearing me down.

Ugh. That all-too-familiar prickly and heavy sensation crawls into my gut.

Guilt.

I thought less of Aiden for so long, when he’s actually a beautiful person.

And I’m gutted for myself. I’ve finally made a definite promise to myself. To fix the company. On my own.

But I’m not doing well with that.

I’m so tangled up with Aiden, even his mum has texted me and I’ve now promised to help her with the wedding decor. I’m more involved in this fake relationship than I was in my real marriage. As if I’d ever spend time alone with Henry’s parents. Jesus Christ, that thought gives me chills.

I really can’t afford to fuck this up. If I let the lines blur now and end up with one of us hurt. Not that I know for sure what he feels for me, but he’s not disinterested. Considering the way he looked at me at Casa Aurato, there’s something there. Although, he hasn’t actually said anything to convince me I’ve crossed his mind in any other capacity than business arrangement. Except as a friend. Maybe sexually.

Mmm… No. Don’t go there.

I don’t do sex the way I imagine he could. Just ‘wham-bam, thank you, ma’am’ and then off to the next date. Does he really do that though? He’s searching for love. That’s what he says, at least. Or he was searching… Has he given up entirely, like Mark said?

The white walls are tinted a peachy orange from the setting sun. How long have I been here wallowing in my own shit?

This is not how life should be spent.

What is it that I want?

Fucking WHAT?

I throw a pillow across the room and scream. A long primal sound from the gut. My throat feels raw and tastes like metal, but I’m lighter after getting that out.

For another minute I lie here, staring at the ceiling, letting my mind go numb.

The phone rings on the charger pad next to my bed, and I reluctantly turn my head to check who it is. I’m so glad I blocked Henry, now I don’t need to worry about seeing his number flash up on my screen.

It’s Jamie. Fuck, I forgot she’d called while we were in Florence.

I roll over and pick up. “Hey,” I breathe.

“Hey, you’re better!”