Page 80 of All the Things We Never Knew

He smiled, as if the memory brought him happiness. ‘We both went to London for uni, and although it’s a pretty big place, it wasn’t vanishingly improbable that we’d run into each other. And we did – one morning on the Tube.’

‘That’s quite a coincidence. What happened?’

‘It was – it was a dark time for me. Deafness is a symptom of Fabry disease, and I’d escaped that – I thought I was in the clear. Then I found out my kidneys were failing. I thought that would be it – thought there was no hope of me becoming a professional musician any more. So I played every chance I got. I used to busk, down in the Underground. Nigel was on his way somewhere and he recognised the sound of my fiddle.’

‘So he came and spoke to you?’ I tried to imagine what that must have been like for Joel – meeting an old friend, what should have been a happy coincidence soured by the news he had to break.

He nodded. ‘We went for a coffee. I told him what was happening, and he made the offer to be a transplant donor, if we were compatible. Straight away.’

I smiled, thinking how like Gray that was. The impulsiveness, the generosity. Not thinking what consequences his actions might have.

‘And you were compatible.’

‘We were. Now that was vanishingly improbable, but it happened.’ He looked down at his hands – the long, elegant fingers – as if realising how lucky he was to have them. ‘I was grateful at the time, of course. But it all happened pretty fast. It’s only really since then – every birthday, every Christmas, every time I step on stage – that I realise how much I owe him. And now I can never tell him.’

Oh, Gray. You knew, didn’t you? Surely you knew what a wonderful, selfless thing you did?

‘He must have known how you felt.’ I could feel a lump building in my throat. ‘Surely. He said… I remember him saying something about it being payment of a debt. For a while I thought that might mean – you know. Something negative. But it obviously wasn’t.’

‘It wasn’t.’ Joel met my eyes, and I saw the clear blue I remembered from the photograph, before he looked back down at his hands. ‘It was the other kind of debt, I suppose. A debt of gratitude.’

‘What did you – I mean, you must have done something absolutely amazing for him to have felt that way. To have literally saved your life.’

‘It wasn’t so much me. I was just there – just a mate, when I guess he really needed a friend. It was more my mother he was grateful to. My dad too, I guess. We were a kind of second family to him, and I think that meant far more than I realised at the time.’

‘So what… I mean, Gray never talked to me about his family. Apart from’ – I felt colour rush to my cheeks – ‘his family here. His wife and his kids.’

He met my eyes again. ‘How did you know him, Laurel? Not that it’s any of my business. But you were close to him.’

I wanted to drop my eyes, but I didn’t. His clear, deep blue gaze held me almost mesmerised. He’d been so honest with me; it was the least I could do to reciprocate.

‘I met him quite randomly,’ I said. ‘Even more randomly than you busking, because we hadn’t known each other before. I knew he was married, right from the beginning. But it was just…’

I shrugged helplessly.

Joel smiled. There was something in his smile I couldn’t quite read – disappointment, maybe?

‘The heart wants what it wants,’ he said. ‘Nigel was always charming. People loved him.’

‘Yes.’ Now I felt the tears I’d been holding back begin to flow. ‘I loved him. I didn’t mean for that to happen, but it did.’

He reached out and took my hand, sandwiching it between his two warm palms. ‘I’m sorry. It must be hard to grieve in that situation.’

‘I guess that was partly why I wanted to find you,’ I said softly. ‘Not that I knew who you were, but to find the person who Gray had done that thing for – made that sacrifice for. To know there was a part of him that’s still here, and that it was worth it.’

Now he laughed – not a proper laugh, but a sad, almost bitter one. ‘And was it?’

I said, ‘Oh. Yes. I mean – hearing you play. Knowing that it’s because of Gray that you can do that. I’m sure it would have been worth it to him, and it is for me too.’

‘He was a good person,’ Joel said. ‘A damaged one, but good.’

I said, ‘I know. I’ve always known that.’

When I got up to leave, he stood too. We reached out to shake hands, but then, making the decision at the exact same time, we took a step closer and extended our arms, moving into a close embrace.

It felt like it lasted a long time. I could feel his breath on my hair and the steady beating of his heart through our clothes. I almost expected to feel some sense of Gray in his body, as if Joel could spiritually channel him like Whoopi Goldberg in that scene from Ghost. But there was nothing of Gray there at all – only Joel.

Joel and me, together in a bland hotel lobby, holding each other like lovers before a long parting – or maybe like two people whose relationship was just beginning.