Page 106 of Just Past Two

When they headed upstairs to check the printer, Akahito turned to face Silas in the elevator. “So, Silas. Would you be interested in getting coffee sometime?” He reached out and brushed Silas’s hand, his touch lingering in a way that was more than platonic, obvious even to someone like Silas.

Silas felt a flush of surprise at the overture. He could appreciate Akahito’s good looks, his friendly manner, and his intelligence. Here was a college professor, a man with a doctorate, and based on their conversations, Akahito was at the top of his field. And yet . . . Silas couldn’t think past Matthew. While he felt clear physical attraction to Akahito, he didn’t want to pursue anything more. He wasn’t interested in moving on, or even in having a fling to forget. The only person he wanted to be kissing right now was Matthew.

“Thank you,” he managed in response, “but there’s someone else. I’d be happy to go out as friends, though.”

Akahito nodded, his smile turning wistful but not disappearing. “No problem, man. Friends it is.”

A short while later, Silas headed home with various 3-D-printed parts of adaptive equipment in his car. The setup still needed some metal parts, but he could probably talk to Caleb, who seemed friendly enough when Silas met him last week. After moving forward on this project and his conversation with Akahito, he was feeling a little better today, even listening to the radio blare out some peppy music while he drove back home. He had an appointment with Dr. Hillwater on Thursday, which he was looking forward to, and even though he was thinking about Matthew—who hadn’t called again after that one attempt the evening of their fight—multiple times a day, he was trying not to get hung up on the sadness. He knew he didn’t want anyone else, but he wasn’t sure if that meant he was going to end up with no one at all.

This small project, making the adaptive equipment for Zuul, was calming rather than stressful. He enjoyed the process of making something, and without the pressure of it being for his job, he didn’t feel like he had to spend every waking hour on the project. He’d probably set it aside, maybe look up Caleb’s email address later tonight just in case he needed parts, and perhaps watch some of that new show Dee had been telling him about. The thought of lounging didn’t fill him with as much anxiety as it would have last week. He felt proud of the steps he’d taken, only disappointed that he didn’t really have anyone to share them with.

That evening, having sent Caleb an email and then watched the first two episodes of the superhero show Dee had recommended, Silas pulled out his laptop. Gaming with Matthew had been fun until it had all gone downhill, and now Silas found that he wanted to try it on his own. Just the thought of Matthew made him feel like he was drowning, his throat closing up, but like earlier, he breathed through the feeling and noticed it subside. This was grief, he knew, mixed up with anger and resentment, and it would pass. He found Diablo III online and purchased it. He watched his computer begin the download, and as he did so, his thoughts wandered.

After that first missed call, he hoped Matthew would call again. That would certainly be easiest; he wouldn’t have to reach out on his own, and Matthew could make the first move to apologize. After all, Matthew had been the one most in the wrong. But Matthew didn’t call, and now for Silas to call felt like giving in. Maybe it was just stubbornness, but he’d felt a little behind Matthew in the relationship curve, always the one with social problems playing catch-up with the neurologically “normal” guy, and calling now felt like losing somehow. That was probably not a healthy attitude to have. Relationships weren’t about winning and losing, he knew, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone. Matthew had been mean. He’d been mean and hurtful, and Silas wasn’t going to apologize until Matthew did so first.

Unless Matthew didn’t call at all, and then maybe Silas would have to make the first move. Maybe later this week. Maybe he’d give them both a little more time to cool off. Or maybe, a small voice inside him suggested, this was the end for good. Maybe this was a sign that they were too incompatible, both brilliant and stubborn, their similarities too volatile and their differences too huge to overcome.

He wasn’t sure how to figure out this situation with Matthew when he didn’t even know who he was anymore. Dee’s comments the other night had been uncomfortably accurate, and he’d thought about her words on and off for the past two days. He was a workaholic perfectionist because he thought that was the right thing to do, and even with the realization that such tendencies were destructive, they’d formed a core part of his being. His identity felt shaken into something new, something undefined, and it was unsettling in some profound ways. While a part of him wanted to try to find a definition now, lock himself back into a structure that felt familiar, he could admit that such clarity wasn’t necessary or even possible right now. He needed to learn to sit with uncertainty, and now was as good a time as any.

When Silas checked his email, he saw that Caleb had replied to the note he’d sent earlier that day.

I can do studio time tomorrow after work. That okay with you? I’m headed to DiceCon later this week, though, so if tomorrow’s bad, we can get together next week when I’m back.

No mention of Matthew, so maybe he’d figured out things had fallen apart since Friday. Silas could do tomorrow. He dashed off a quick reply to Caleb confirming the time, then started the downloaded game.

All right, maybe he’d underestimated the cathartic effects of gaming. Aside from some initially sad moments at the title screen, that momentary sensation of loss from thinking about Matthew, he was quickly immersed in the intricacies of gameplay. The game itself wasn’t as easy for him as it had been playing with Matthew’s advanced character, but he got the hang of things quickly, reading the in-game tutorial this time instead of just ignoring it like he’d done with Bump. The tangible risk-and-reward system was enough to keep him engrossed for the rest of the evening.

Silas got up from his couch around midnight, muscles sore and cramped from sitting hunched over the controller, but feeling more refreshed than he had in days. Maybe Matthew was onto something with this gaming business after all.

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“Hey, Silas.” Caleb looked up from his cluttered work surface with a smile as Silas approached him Tuesday evening with a box full of 3-D-printed parts and CAD schematics. “How’s it hanging?”

“I’m good, thanks. And thank you again for helping me with this.” Silas set the box down on the counter and began unloading parts. “Like I said in the email, it’s only a few things, but you have the tools here that I don’t have unless I’m at work. I don’t think it’ll take us very long.”

“No sweat. I’m glad you emailed yesterday; the rest of my week is booked up.” He checked Silas’s plans, then began pulling out the tools they’d need.

Silas remembered his email. “So you’re headed to DiceCon?”

“Yup.” Caleb nodded. “I’m not part of the actual team, but Isabel is, so I’m taking some personal time off and tagging along.”

“Oh.” Silas wanted to know about Matthew, but wasn’t sure if it would be weird to be so specific. “Who else is going?”

Caleb glanced over at him, then back at the plans. “Isabel, Matthew, Phil from the Art Department, and Dan, one of the programmers. They’re scrambling to get everything ready before they go, so everybody’s working late tonight and probably tomorrow, too. I’m just a guest, though, so there isn’t much for me to do.”

“Oh.” Silas tried to sound unconcerned, like this was polite conversation. “When do you all leave?”

“Thursday morning, early. And then we’ll be back on Monday.” Caleb started sorting through the pieces that Silas had laid out on the counter, double-checking against the plans. Silas waited for him to finish, not wanting to start working until Caleb had sorted through what he needed. After a few minutes, he paused, holding the plans in hand, and spoke without looking up from his work. “You know, he’s been miserable the last couple days.”

Silas felt a swooping sensation in his stomach, low and fast and intense. He didn’t respond to clarify who Caleb meant, because it was obvious, and he didn’t know how to respond otherwise, so he said nothing. Caleb continued. “He’s usually cheerful, but he’s been so mopey and depressed. Whatever’s up between you two, it’s gotten to him.”

Silas wasn’t sure how to feel about this information. “Oh,” he said after several beats of silence, even though that “oh” was inadequate and didn’t express anything at all. Yes, he was dealing with his own issues, and yes, he felt a bit of gratification that Matthew wasn’t walking around beaming at the prospect of being single again, but he also wanted to see Matthew happy. He just wanted to see Matthew happy with him. He wanted to start over. And he also wanted Matthew to apologize. These feelings warred inside him, and he couldn’t put them into words, so he didn’t say anything further. Instead, he silently picked up the first two pieces he would need for the litter box construction and started putting them together with the tools and parts Caleb had arrayed.

He could see Caleb watching him out of the corner of his eye, and his posture was tense and awkward. Maybe he was feeling weird about having brought up the subject of Matthew when it was clearly not his business. Silas didn’t want him to feel that way. “Thank you for telling me,” he said after the extended pause. “I was wondering, and I didn’t know how to ask.”

Caleb visibly relaxed. “No problem, man.” He gestured to the parts. “It’s cool of you to do this for the cat. Even though things aren’t, you know.” He shrugged, the “you know” clearly standing for everything Silas and Matthew used to have and no longer had.

Silas smiled. “It’s nice to have a project to focus on. And this one isn’t as stressful as my actual job, so that’s a relief.”