Page 72 of Head Over Skis

He places both his hands on my shoulders, bending down to try and catch my gaze, which is set firmly on the carpet at my feet. ‘Hey hey, slow down. What’s wrong? Talk to me?’

The way he asks so gently nearly makes me crack. Something’s changed between us because of last night. I know we can both feel it, but I can’t let myself waver. Instead, I look him in the eyes as I step back, increasing the distance between us.

‘Nothing’s wrong. Last night was amazing, and I’m so sorry about everything with your dad. I know that can’t have been easy to talk about, and I’m so grateful you shared that with me. But I think it’s time we both go our own ways.’

I watch as his eyes squint at me in confusion, his eyebrows furrowed, but I push on.

‘Tomorrow, I’ll be done with classes, and then in a week I’ll be boarding my flight back to London. Back to my life, and you’ll be here in yours, and it’s pretty clear we don’t run in the same circles so even though it’s happened twice, I doubt we’ll see each other again. So, thank you for everything, but I think it’s time we both accept that whatever this is, it’s done now. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll see myself out.’

I try to sneak out through the gap at his side, but his hand shoots out and presses against the frame, blocking me in.

‘What if you stayed?’

‘What?’

‘You heard me, what if you spent the next week with me. And what if you didn’t get on that plane?’

I stare at him, open-mouthed, and try to register what he’s saying. He takes my silence as the cue to keep going.

‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but when I’ve asked you before about your life back home, you didn’t seem all that happy with it. And I’ve seen you happy. The way you smile with your friends when you’ve made it down a new ski run, or how you laugh with Penny when she says something entirely inappropriate. Even the way you stare out at the views here like you want to paint every detail. And yes, you light up like that when you talk about your parents, but when I asked you what else you liked, you looked different. Not sad exactly, but almost worse, you looked resigned. Like you’d lost your colour. So why go back?’

There are parts of that speech I want to hold onto, like all the evidence he’s been watching me over these last few days, capturing moments of me in his mind. Then I focus on the overall point he’s making and the dangerous emotions his words evoke in me. The images that invade my mind as I picture the possibilities he’s laid out. But I shut it all down.

‘You’re being ridiculous,’ I say, trying to push past him again and this time he lets me, only to follow me down the hall as his voice gets louder.

‘Okay, maybe I am being ridiculous. I know we barely know each other, but why not say yes anyway? What are you so afraid of?’

‘Afraid? I’m not afraid,’ I fire back much too quickly to sound believable.

Is that what it really comes down to? Fear? Every decision I’ve made in my life has been made in an attempt to be smart. Lord knows that’s part of why I hung onto Adam for so many years, trying in vain to get us to work because a relationship was part of my plan.

‘And you’re wrong, I am happy.’

I cross my arms and he stares back at me, eyebrows raised.

‘Are you? You’re saying there’s nothing else you want? Nothing you’d be able to find by staying out here?’

He stands at the other end of the hall looking at me with his head tilted towards the window and that view, which he was right that I want to sit and stare at all day. To explore every inch of it with pencils and paint.

‘Not all of us have the money to only think about what we want, Rory. Some of us have to think about people other than ourselves.’

I want to take it back as soon as I’ve said it and register the mix of surprise and hurt that crosses his face. I know it’s not a fair thing to say, especially after he opened up about how responsible he feels for everyone who works here, but at the same time, he exists in this world that’s totally separate to mine.

‘So that’s it? You’re going to walk out now, and then I’m never going to see you again?’

When he puts it like that, the knife that I’ve stabbed in my own heart twists deeper. But what’s the alternative? What he’s suggesting? That I jump up and abandon my life back home and stay here with him? It’s unthinkable.

Who’s to say that in a week he’ll not get bored of me, and what then? Would the magic of this place disappear without him experiencing it beside me, showing me every secret hideaway he knows, and would I then be even worse off than I was before? I’d return home anyway, potentially out of a job, well overstaying my welcome on Tilly’s floor, adding this fling to my list of failed romantic endeavours alongside my seven-year relationship with Adam, and watching my mum and dad count the pennies to make the mortgage repayments this month when I could’ve helped?

It would be reckless.

But the worst part of all of this is that I’ve already been reckless. Because despite barely knowing Rory, I’ve let myself fall for him more than I can admit. And maybe it is fear that’s holding me back, but if I was to let things continue between us, however casual they may seem on the surface, I know I’ll fall deeper and deeper until I can’t pull myself out.

I don’t want to get hurt, and I know this guy with his dark brown hair and matching eyes could make me feel pain like I’ve never known if he were to decide I’m not enough. I’m already going through my fair share of heartbreak, I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with more on the scale it would be with Rory.

‘Yes, that is how it’ll go. You can treat me like any other student.’

Across from me, he scoffs, pushing his hands repeatedly through his hair. ‘Yeah, right.’