Page 78 of Give Me Peace

“Don’t mistake this for something it’s not, Tink. I want you. And maybe I haven’t made that abundantly clear in the past, but I’m telling you now. I. Want. You. Our time will come, and until then, I’m not going anywhere.” I exhale audibly, his words soothing me in a way I can’t quite pinpoint. Krew kisses my knuckles and turns back to the monitor, his focus on his work once again.

I smile and take our dishes to the kitchen. After cleaning up my mess from cooking, I start the dishwasher and wipe down the counters. Anything to stall and avoid the inevitable confrontation with Roan. Giving myself a mental shake, I square my shoulders and pull on my big girl panties. I doubt he’s in his room, so I head for the lower level. As soon as the door clicks shut behind me, I can feel the bass of his music thumping through the glass walls of the gym. It’s a wonder they haven’t shattered. The moment I step inside, I flinch from how loud it is.

Rock music blares through the speakers, but by some miracle, the clang of weights still penetrates the screamo-band. I follow the gym-bro call of grunts and groans until I spot Roan. My steps falter at the sight of him. He hulks a bar full of plates above his head, the veins in his arms standing out starkly from the strain it causes him. He’s shirtless, every ripped abdominal muscle on proud display as he curls the weights back in and drops them to the floor. I can actually feel the thud it makes. Roan plants his hands on hips and drops his head back. He’s fighting to catch his breath, but Lord help me, I’m all too pleased with the effort he’s exerting.

I’m becoming a single-minded hussy.

His phone is laying a few feet between us so I scoop it up and turn the volume down. Roan glances in my direction, that blank look still etched on his face as he takes me in. I’m quickly dismissed as he goes back to his workout. It hurts way more than I expected. I never thought Roan would disregard me so easily. He lays back on the bench and furiously lifts the bar up and down. I clench my hands to ward off the tremble and step closer to the angry bear. I know how the saying goes, but I’m going to poke. It might not be my finest idea, but I hate that he’s upset with me.

“Roan?” I call his name, knowing he can hear me, but he pretends he can’t. He hops up like his ass is on fire and starts a brisk walk on the treadmill. I sigh and follow, determined to fix this. “Roan?” I try again, standing right beside him, so I know my voice isn’t lost over the noise of the machine. A muscle in his jaw tics, but other than that, I get no response. Fed up with being iced out, I yank the emergency stop cord and let the cards fall where they may.

“Fuck,” Roan swears, stumbling to catch his footing as the belt comes to a halt. He steps on the sides and narrows his eyes at me. “Really?”

“I’ve always heard the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Thought I’d test the theory.” His lip twitches, like he’s fighting a smirk but wipes it away in the next breath.

“I could’ve been hurt, Saylor.” Roan climbs off, crossing his arms as he looks down his nose at me.

“You were going like two miles per hour. Do you really think I would’ve done that if I thought it would hurt you?” Roan cuts his gaze to the side, refusing to answer my question. And then I realize why.

“Wow,” I whisper hoarsely. Walking in on me and Kash this morning really messed him up. Possibly to the point he thinks I’d want to cause him pain on purpose. There’s no way this is going to work. Five guys and one girl doesn’t make sense outside of a porno. The last thing I want is to feel cheap and used, but the look on Roan’s face tells me everything I need to know. He sees me differently now. Tears spring to my eyes so quickly I don’t have time to fight them off. They fall in heavy rivulets down my heated cheeks.

“Goddamnit,” Roan curses, smacking the padded wall with his hand. “Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Really?” I hiccup around a sob. “Then how’d you mean it, Roan, because your silence was pretty fucking loud.” I cross my arms, subconsciously protecting myself from any more hurt he might cause. He looks wrecked by the action, his green eyes going glassy as he falls back a step.

“Fuck, baby girl.” He doesn’t give me a chance to pull away. Roan lifts me, bracing one arm beneath my butt while the other cups the back of my head. He’s walking but I don’t look to see where were going. I press my face against the base of his throat and close my eyes. Sweat coats his skin, but I couldn’t care less. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his back as I murmur nonsensical apologies over and over again. He jogs up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time, but I keep my eyes closed. A few seconds later a door shuts behind us, quickly followed by another. Roan sets me on the counter, but I hold him tighter the second he tries to pull away.

“Saylor, look at me. Please fucking look at me,” he begs, wrapping my hair in his fist. He gives it a gentle tug, forcing me to meet his gaze. “I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong. I promise you; I didn’t mean for my silence to be construed that way. I’m not upset about you and Kash.” I give him a disbelieving look.

“Upset isn’t the right word. Or maybe it is, but what I feel isn’t aimed at you, Little Fighter. I don’t think it’s right to pass you around like this. You’re too special, too…everything, Saylor, to be treated like you’re not.” Roan pulls a tissue from the box behind me and wipes the snot from my nose. I’ll agonize over that later.

“Why would you think I’m being treated badly?” I ask, sincerely wondering if he’s seen something that’s made him question if I am or not.

“I don’t think you are, but you might see it that way one day. If we do this, it’s basically agreeing to shared custody. How would you feel if you left Loch’s bed, only to crawl into mine? Would you feel used, like you’re being shuffled from one man to the next?” His words end on a frustrated growl.

“Roan,” I softly say his name, placing my hand over his heart. “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’ve questioned the way I feel at least a couple hundred times. Want to know the conclusion I’ve come to? There is no right answer. For anything. Not the way I heal from Liam’s abuse or if and how we choose to explore our feelings. Whatever we decide, it’s up to us. You’ve known these men a lot longer than I have, so you should know that they’d never treat me like a warm body to pass the time with.”

“I know.” Roan sighs, resting his forehead on my shoulder. “I’d fucking kill them if they did.”

“And it would always be my choice if I decided to share a bed with any of you. You can rest assured that if I’m in yours or theirs, it’s because I want to be.”

“You’re right; I know that. I’m just terrified this will end horribly and I’m gonna lose you. I’d rather have you the way we are now, than nothing at all.” Roan rocks his head back and forth, like he’s trying to banish the idea before it can fully form.

“You’d never lose me, Big Guy. Even if we crash and burn, I could never feel anything but love and gratitude towards you.” He pulls back, assessing me for any hint of deception.

“You really mean that?” His hands grip my thighs, squeezing them gently as he waits for me to answer.

“I mean, you did sneak me a french-fry after busting me out of Hotel Hell. I think that links us for life, but what do I know?” I shrug, biting back a grin as his green eyes brighten.

“For life, huh? I like the sound of that.”

“Good. But Roan?” I trace my finger along a thin scar beneath his chin. “If you decide you want more, then you need to be the one to take the risk on us. I’m already sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Our pages will align at some point and the story will make a lot more sense, but until then, read at your own pace.” I press a kiss to his chest, right over the rapid beat of his too pure heart. His eyes close as I slip away. Just before I close the door, I turn back, noting the white-knuckle grip he has on the counter.

“And take a shower, stinky-butt.” Roan pushes away from the sink and turns the water on. His deep laugh follows me, and I smile, knowing we’ll be okay. No matter what.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Saylor