Page 106 of The Fall

Lusa’s lips quivered for a moment before she let the words slip through. “I promise, I’ll be back.” She wiped impotently at the tears. “I’m not leaving you. I’m not Chalice.”

“Then why…”

But Lusa interrupted her. “Because I’m a fucking mess, Caoimhe. I need you to trust me?”

Lusa using her name softened the blow. And Kerr not trusting her, running away, is what got her into her current state. “You want me to trust a fucking mess?” Kerr burbled a half-laugh.

“I know I’m a lot. But I promise,” Lusa repeated.

Kerr waited until her breath caught up with her. She could do this. And even if she couldn’t, her body wouldn’t let her run again. “Okay.” She pursed her lips, tensed her jaw, anything that would keep her from crying.

Lusa swept forward and kissed her forehead.

Then she left.

Our Doubts Are Traitors

Her mom found her pinning Alana against the wall with a knife to her throat. “Come on, Lusa, let’s go train.”

Lusa shoved Alana back into the wall before sheathing her blade.

Alana rolled her eyes and took a breath. “You know I could have thrown you off, right? You’re lucky I pinged your mom instead.”

Talia shot her a look. Alana’s mouth clamped shut before she said something else she’d regret. Lusa stared, eyes seething with a slight shake of her head before she left abruptly. Alana and Talia followed.

“Why is she coming?” Lusa spat.

“Because you’re a psychopath.” Alana grabbed a pistol before shutting the door. “Both of you.” Talia raised an eyebrow. “But I also like Kerr.” She brushed an invisible strand of hair from her face. “And I’ve been an arse.”

Another half-apology, but Lusa didn’t have it in her to object. She wheeled around and sprinted to the training area.

“Getting old sucks, huh?” Alana cleaned her pistol while Talia stretched her back. She leaned forward, forearms over her loosely crossed legs to the periodic thunks of metal on wood. Lusa had new blisters on her fingers, but she wouldn’t stop.

And now, she no longer had the strength to retrieve her knives. The slab of birch had been so thoroughly abused that the last one had pierced the log up to the grip. The final indignity broke her and Lusa fell, crying. That was Talia's cue. She gathered her limbs and lumbered over to her daughter. Alana stood quickly to follow.

“Why am I like this?” she sobbed.

Held tight in Talia’s long arms, Lusa felt small and vulnerable. She hated the feeling almost as much as standing a head taller than everyone else.

“Probably because I am.” Talia squeezed. “Sorry about that.”

“I always thought it was because of the Natalists.” Folding her legs under herself Alana sat next to Lusa. “Georg probably didn’t know much about raising a teenager either.” She reached out, making eye contact with Talia before stroking Lusa’s back.

It wasn’t fair, being stuck here, surrounded by women who were content to use her, but would never really want her. It wasn’t fair to them, either, having her as their only option. But Lusa had had a real chance at happiness and Alana had ruined it.

But she didn’t flinch away when Alana’s hand made contact either. Part of her knew that it wasn’t really her fault. Part of her craved the comfort. And though she played the part well, Alana was only a scapegoat for the real problem. Lusa was simply too much. For anyone.

“I should stab you.” She continued crying. It felt good to cry.

“You're too tired and it wouldn't fix anything, but I'd probably deserve it.” Alana joked.

“I already stabbed her.” Talia eyed the scar on Alana’s hand, the one that probably saved Kerr’s life by knocking her rifle away as she fired. “She survived.”

Talia released her and leaned against the well-splintered log, drawing circles in the soil with one of her own blades.” Why weren't you with Kerr?”

“I was.” Lusa said, a little too quickly.

“Were you?” Talia absentmindedly drew a heart.