Page 59 of SEAL of Valor

Every word of it is another layer of concrete.

“Then I had a front row seat to the greatest loss you ever faced. Your faith. Your hope. You gave up on God the same day you gave up on yourself.”

“God?” I would laugh, but what’s the point? “Where has He been? Let me answer that one for you. Nowhere.” I start toward the edge of the ring, desperate to get out of here.

“You’re better than this, Weston,” Zane says again.

“You know, I think you’ve been seriously overestimating me our entire lives. It’s time you stop living in who you think I could be and start seeing who I am.”

“It’s you who doesn’t see who you are,” Zane calls out. “Because when push comes to shove? You’re the guy anyone can count on. Every. Single. One of us is alive because of you.”

I stop moving toward the door and turn toward Zane and Ryker, Sawyer, and Garrison, who are standing just outside the ring, all of them watching me. The understanding looks on their faces make my stomach churn.

“Because I’m a killer. Is that really something you think I should be proud of?” I snap.

“You’re not a killer.”

I shake my head. “Once again, you’re choosing the version of me you want to see. Well, here I am, Zane! I ruined the one chance at happiness that I had, and now she’s intent on moving on with this Max guy. I’m just the pathetic loose end she can’t seem to tie up.”

“You’ve been through hell on earth, brother,” Zane says as he climbs out of the ring. “I won’t pretend otherwise. But you’re standing here because God has a plan for your life. Because He sees what you cannot.” He points at my heart. “He sees your heart, and as soon as you stop trying to fill that hole with more pain and self-loathing, how about you focus on what’s really missing?”

“And what’s that? Since you seem to know me so well, Cap. Go on, tell me what I’m missing.”

He reaches up and grips my shoulder. “Faith.”

Faith.

How am I supposed to have faith in anything? Even as I stand here, staring at the exterior of Stormwatch Landing’s church, I see nothing but a building. A concrete foundation, wooden beams, shingles on the roof.

In fact, I’ve been standing here, leaning against my truck, for the better part of an hour, and all I feel is emptiness.

God doesn’t seem to have any interest in me, and I can’t say that I blame Him for it. Despite what Zane seems to think, I’ve lived most of my life not caring about anything but the next mission.

I’ve lived day to day, surviving the only way I know how.

Sure, I’ve tried to do what was right. Tried to stay on the moral side of things, but there have been times I’ve stepped into the shadows, enticed by the distraction I could find there.

Every single time I try to open myself up, try to face what happened, I end up right back in the pit. Why can’t someone just do me a favor and fill it in already? Bury me inside and let me suffer in the darkness, where no one can see me.

“You look lost.”

I turn my head toward an older man walking on the sidewalk. I peer into the darkness behind him, trying to figure out how I managed to be so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn’t see him coming.

“I’m fine. Just taking a breather.”

“Yeah? I could use one, too.” He stops right beside my truck. “Do you mind?”

“Go for it.”

He leans back next to me and stares up at the church. “Such a beautiful building, don’t you think?”

“Sure.”

“I’ve always thought so. But you know, church has nothing to do with the building.” When I don’t respond, he turns toward me. “It’s the people gathering, celebrating the Living God, no matter what is going on in their lives.” He smiles, and there’s an odd sort of peace surrounding him, something I can’t quite pinpoint.

Unease grows within me in response. “What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t.” He smiles. “It’s hard to see the light when you’re stuck in the dark. But that doesn’t mean the light is absent. It’s always there. All you have to do is flip the switch.” He puts his hands together in front of him as though he’s praying, then glances up at the sky before dropping them and looking at me again. “Thanks for the rest, Weston. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”