Page 75 of Life, Love, and Other Messes

“How come?”

“Beats me.” I accepted her kiss, all the tension melting away, our bodies meshing graciously. Out of nowhere, I felt a twinge of excitement, and really, really wanted to go with it. I wanted everything I’d thought about and felt for the past several hours to disappear in it. I ran my hand up her back, pulled her closer, and kissed along her neck. That was when there was a thunk on the table next to me. “Get down,” I said. “No table surfing.” The box was near the edge, and it was a wonder Ollie hadn’t just grabbed it and run. I knew I should at least push it to the center, but I didn’t want to let go. I could feel my pulse everywhere.

Lisa paused, her hand up my shirt. “We should probably put that in the fridge.”

“I don’t want to stop.”

“Me either,” she whispered. “Here. Just hit pause, okay?” Before I could react, I heard the refrigerator door close.

“That was quick.”

Lisa grinned. “Where were we?”

I pulled her hand back where it had been. “Here.” I slid her shirt over her head and undid her bra, moved my mouth onto her breast, worked to unbutton her jeans. Ollie disappeared. Good boy. “What is it?”

“What is what?”

“Dessert.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Lisa said, running her hand over my ass and kissing harder. “You’re in the mood and I’m not going to lose that opportunity.”

I felt her squeeze there and could barely breathe. “You’re in the mood too.”

“I’m always in the mood.” In a beautifully slick move, she hoisted me up onto the table. “Tiramisu.”

Saturday came, and then Sunday. I still had not heard from my mother. If she’d lived alone, I would have reported her missing. Since she did not, though, I assumed I wasn’t being dramatic after all when I thought I’d been disowned. I wondered if I’d even be welcome for Christmas.

I felt totally out of sorts. The strangest thing was, it didn’t feel like it was all about my mother. As I sat with Lisa that evening, paging through my notes from previous years, I found nothing worthy of recycling in class. It sucked. I wouldn’t want to study with me.

Lisa hadn’t been working for a long time. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

To my shock, I almost told her to shut up. I swallowed hard and shook my head. I knew I wasn’t fine, I knew I was so not fine. I knew exactly what was happening, and it was my fault. “I’m just having a fucked in the head day.”

“That’s what you said the other day. I think this shit with your mom is really wearing on you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Lisa’s eyebrows jumped. “Understood. If you change your mind, I’m over here contemplating the letter J.”

I normally would have laughed at that, but it didn’t happen. My stomach ached in an insolent, raw sort of way, and it worked its way upward, my throat tightening with it. I wasn’t going to cry. I really wasn’t. “Shit.” The word came out before I knew it was there.

“C’mere.” Lisa held out an arm. “I’ve got you.”

I didn’t move. This was my pattern. I could feel the anger closing in, and no matter how loud I could scream, how hard I clawed at the walls trying to get away from it, it was going to burn everything to the ground in minutes. I did this every goddamn time. Things got so right, so perfect, and then some tiny part of my subconscious started doubting everything. I couldn’t possibly have something so good. I couldn’t possibly deserve it. If we got too deep into this, I’d ruin her life. I had to get away before she could hate me for it. Anyone else would have run into her arms, would have let her make everything all right, but I sat there and I made everything all wrong. I could see Lisa swallow and she lowered her arm to her side.

God damn it, here we go. I’d hurt her. “You deserve better than this.”

Lisa looked away. I could see her eyes growing larger as if sharing with the coffee table what a case I was. “Where did that come from?”

“You don’t want to be with someone who is so monumentally fucked up. I drove my own mother away, Lisa. You don’t want to be part of this.”

“What the fuck did I do to start this?”

“Nothing.” I held my head, trying to keep it from exploding. “You haven’t done anything except be wonderful. You don’t deserve to have me drag you down. You deserve so much better than I can give you.”