Page 74 of Life, Love, and Other Messes

“I think you did the right thing,” she said. “Maybe not kicking the cross, but you were angry.”

“Saying fuck in a church?”

“Icing on the cake. You’re a storyteller, Sam. You just wrapped things up.”

“What about my mother?”

“That’s the epilogue. Wait until tonight, then call her.”

We did work for about an hour, but we were quiet and subdued. I wasn’t sure if I’d messed things up by hesitating earlier or if what I’d done really was reprehensible and she was just building me up because she thought that was what I wanted to hear. Oh, I needed sleep.

Before I went to bed, though, I called my mother. She did not answer the phone.

My mother did not answer the phone on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. I left messages twice, apologizing for causing a scene. I did not apologize for feeling the way I felt, but I was quite sure she wouldn’t separate one from the other. I sent texts. I wrote emails. Nothing.

I finally called my father, who, for once, did not sound surprised to hear from me. I asked if Mom was okay, and he hemmed and hawed a bit then said yes. I asked if I could speak with her, and he said she was at work. She’d spent a lot of time at work lately. I told him to please ask her to call me. She did not call.

Okay, so it took until I was forty-six, but my mother had finally disowned me. I had a roof over my head and transportation. I had an awesome best friend in Ollie. I had a wonderful girlfriend. I was not fifteen years old and kicked out onto the streets. Did it hurt? I couldn’t even tell. I felt empty, mostly, empty and lonely.

All the while, I was writing consistently. It was surprising, but I could do it. By Thursday morning, I got to the point where I spent the day reading from the beginning. Since I had class that night, I didn’t finish until Friday afternoon, but when I did, I put the last few touches on it. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a first draft: Run To You was done.

I gave Ollie a big kiss, grabbed my phone, and texted Lisa. Hey I’m off tonight – want to go out? Celebrate finally getting through the first draft?

I waited for a while. She was probably still at school. As the time ticked away, though, I started to get antsy. This was a big deal, at least to me, and it made me nervous that she hadn’t at least taken a second to respond.

By the time thirty minutes had ticked away, I couldn’t stop the thoughts from flooding my head. She probably got the text and is ghosting me. She’s pissed about Sunday. It’s over. I shouldn’t have been so stupid as to think my first draft was a big deal. Surely she’d gotten the message. Either she was trying to find a way to say it or she’d just pretend to move out of the fucking state like Veronica. I was pacing by then. Maybe she was in some hideous car crash on the way home. Maybe the preschool building was on fire. Maybe I should just shut up and be rational for a change.

I sat back down and considered a new project, but my brain was spinning. Maybe I could use this somehow. Maybe I could channel this into something decent.

My phone buzzed and I leapt across the room toward it, heart pounding. It was probably someone offering me cash for my house. It was probably a reminder for my haircut two weeks from now.

Hey sorry sweetie…I’m going out with June and Elaine and Michael again tonight. That’s great news, though…Maybe tomorrow?

All the adrenaline, everything I’d built up crashed, and my mood bottomed out. It was hard to breathe. Fuck them. Fuck June and Elaine and furry Michael. Fuck cute June especially, cute June that Lisa thought was so hot. Why did she tell me that, anyway? Just to mess with my head? I didn’t care if she was a jerk. If she was such a jerk why was Lisa going out with her again anyway? They were probably dating. They were probably fucking. They were probably laughing at me behind my back.

Jesus Christ, stop it. I lay back on my sofa, trying to settle down. Everything’s fine. Even if it wasn’t, I knew this wasn’t worth losing my shit over. I had worked so hard, and I wasn’t going to mess this up.

I just needed to clear my head. I called Ollie and pulled his harness and leash off the wall. He gave a happy yip and jumped up on me, panting and grinning and nipping at his harness just like that. I wished something could make me that happy right that minute.

We walked for longer than usual. Although my brain didn’t stop coming up with stupid ass scenarios involving Lisa and June, the chilly air felt good on my cheeks and Ollie followed amicably, exploring new angles on the same old fire hydrants and bushes. I knew we shouldn’t overdo it, though, so I finally brought him home, past Lisa’s house. I almost expected her car to be in the drive and the lights to be on, just hiding out there avoiding me, but even the outside light was dark. It looked like she had indeed stayed late at work and gone straight out with her friends. Her friends that weren’t my friends.

Back at home, I filled Ollie’s water bowl and sat back on my sofa, listening to him slurp. I was going to have to do it. I knew she didn’t want to be with me anymore, but I wasn’t going to wait around to get dumped or ghosted. I was going to take the initiative and end things.

I typed out several texts but didn’t hit send. Then I decided it was a shitty thing to break up with someone via text anyway. I thought about how impossible it would be to walk past her house every day and see her. I’d have to come up with a new route. I’d have to move.

It was nearly nine and I’d gone through every possible thing I could say when there was a knock on the door. Ollie jumped up from a dead sleep, barking his head off, then stopped and sat down, tail wagging. I was sure I was lucky enough that it was a serial killer or at least a Jehovah’s Witness, but when I opened the door, Lisa was standing there holding a Styrofoam take-out box.

“Hey.” She hung shyly outside the threshold as if she somehow knew everything I’d been thinking for the past hours. “I thought we could maybe share dessert to celebrate.”

All of the words that had been blustering through my head disappeared. “Thanks. How was dinner?”

Lisa shrugged. She handed me the box and left her coat on my sofa. “Fine. June has yet another new boyfriend so we had to hear about that for a while, but it’s nice to just vent about stuff. You can come too, you know. I just figured you wouldn’t want to listen to us bitch about preschoolers for three hours.”

I looked down, feeling awful about everything I’d thought. “Maybe some time. You deserve some you time.”

“I have plenty of me time,” she said, sliding her arm around my waist. “I miss you during my me time. What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, embarrassed she could tell. “Nothing. My head was just in fucked up places tonight.”