Page 57 of Dreaming Without Heartache

At five a.m., I turned in bed to find it empty. The loss of Sam’s warmth was harsh but a reality. I wanted her last night. There’s no doubt about that. But I was vulnerable. I needed comfort—needed to feel cared for, even if just for a moment. Kara crushed me beyond words. How many patches can I put on my heart at this point?

Now, at six a.m., I’ve pondered all I can. I’ve made up my mind. Time for some changes. As hard as it is, and as much as it guts me from the inside out, I know what I have to do. My stomach twists in knots as I dial the number I dread more than anything. The line rings twice before Judy picks up. “Judy,” I say, forcing a gentleness into my voice. “I hope your Sunday is going well.” I try to embark on this journey with pleasantries, knowing how hard this is going to be.

“Oh, is that so?” she replies, her tone sharp with suspicion. “How nice of you. To what do I owe the honor of your call?”

I grimace and swallow a sigh. Lord, give me patience. “I need your help. Please keep an open mind, and let’s try to make this work.”

“I’m listening,” Judy replies. Her voice is steady and guarded but not closed off.

As difficult as it is, I tell her about Kara. I leave out some of it but tell her the important parts. With all that I have in me I ask her to take Kara, and only Kara. I don’t know if it’ll be forever, and I don’t make any promises about the future, but I tell her that Kara needs her. I almost choke on the words. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I need her help. I know Kara won’t pull this shit with Judy like she does me. Judy is intolerant. Kara wouldn’t dare try her. I’m not doing this for me. I don’t want her to leave. But this is what’s best for Kara. I love her more than she will ever imagine. The path she’s traveling on isn’t the path for her. I won’t allow Kara to continue to make poor decisions without consequences like my mom did. As much as I hate Judy, I know she loves Kara. She’ll take care of her. I have no doubt.

“I haven’t told Kara that she’ll be living with you. I wanted to speak with you first.”

“You did the right thing,” Judy says, and for the first time her compliment sounds genuine. “I know we have gotten off on the wrong foot. But we’ve both been through tragedy. I lost my only child. And I think you know how much I love my grandchildren. I would do anything for them. I’m not perfect. I have failed on many occasions, but I always have their best interests at heart.”

“I know.” I sit up on the edge of the bed as the tears well in my eyes. “That’s why I’m trusting you with our girl. I know you don’t think I’m the right person for them. That Annie and Bill made the wrong choice. But I love them with all that I have in me.” I clear my throat as my tears fall. I don’t want her to know that I’m crying. “I want them to make good decisions and have a good life. Kara will think I’ve abandoned her, and that hurts.”

“Allie,” Judy says softly. More softly than I’ve ever heard her. “Kara’s moving through stages of grief. She’s not acting out to hurt you. She’s doing it to hurt herself. She’s a teenager. Lashing out will be what she does for the next several years. I know you love her. And I know that more than ever by coming to me. That means the world.” Judy clears her throat, seeming unsure of her next words. “Why don’t you let me take both the girls? Keep them together.”

I knew this would come up. But that’s a hard no. “Maisie stays here. This is her home. I’m not uprooting them both.” I’m firm, and she’d better believe it. I’m having a hard time giving up Kara as it is. It makes me sick to my stomach.

“I understand.” There’s an acceptance in Judy’s voice that surprises me. Kara will be her prize anyway. “Can I least have Maisie on the weekends to spend time with Kara? That way you have the freedom to do as you please and not be tied down.”

“How about we talk about some hard things for a moment.” I need to set some things straight. I take a breath, weighing the words I’d been trying not to say. “I wasn’t going to mention this because the girls begged me not to. They’re both scared of you. That should concern you, Judy. These girls are your only connection to Bill now. You can earn my trust back along with Maisie’s, one day at a time. I’ll allow her to visit you every other weekend, as long as you never make my baby lie in her own piss again. She has had trauma just like you, like me, like Kara, and her way of showing it is manifested differently at her age. You won’t ever belittle her again. If you do, I’ll drive to your house and beat the shit out of you. That’s not a threat. It’s a promise. You don’t get another chance with me.”

I hear the hitch in Judy’s breath on the other side of the phone. I bet no one has ever spoken to her that way before. I’d do it again if I needed to. These girls have become my whole world, and I’d do anything to keep them safe.

“I’m truly sorry for that, Allie. I don’t know what got into me. Tough love isn’t always the correct route to take.” I hear her remorse. And possibly her embarrassment. I thought she’d deny it, but I’m pleasantly surprised.

“You can make it up to Maisie by being the best Gigi ever. You’re the only one she has.”

“I will.” She clears her throat again. “What time shall I come for Kara?”

I feel like throwing up with the thought of Kara living with Judy. “Give me a couple of hours,” I say with slight hesitation, not yet fully accepting my decision.

“See you then.” Judy hangs up, making this deal final.

I drag my ass from bed, take a shower, and get ready for the storm ahead. I don’t know how Kara will react, or how Maisie will take the news. All I know is that I’ll do whatever it takes to keep them safe and Kara from self-destructing.

No one’s up when I emerge an hour later from my room. I’m unsure of how to proceed this morning. Adults are supposed to have the answers, right? That is until you are the adult in charge. I decide that breakfast will make a good start.

I make scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits. I put out orange juice before going to Maisie’s room first. When I slip through the half-open door, she has her tablet on her lap. “What are you watching?” I ask.

“Barbie,” she says, turning her screen for me to see.

“Oh, that’s fun!” I fake excitement because my stress level is through the roof. “Breakfast’s ready. Come down and eat, honey.”

“Okay!” She hops off her beanbag, wearing her kitten pajamas, and walks past me, carrying her tablet under one arm. I wish it could be this easy with Kara.

“Kara?” I tap on her door before trying the handle which I knew would be locked. “Breakfast is ready. Come down and eat with us,” I say softly, hoping that she doesn’t put up a fight. I wait a few minutes, understanding that no reply is coming. “Kara?” I tap on the door again.

“I’m not hungry,” she finally calls back. It’s exactly what I expected, and exactly what I dreaded.

I tilt my head back, staring at the ceiling, drawing in a steadying breath. “It’s not up for discussion.” I try to keep my voice calm yet firm. “Be down in five minutes. Your Gigi’s coming over soon.”

Without waiting for a response, I go to Maisie so I can fix her plate. She’s at the dining table, sitting on her knees and leaning on her elbows, watching a cartoon. I’m not worried about which one because there are parental settings in place.

“What sounds good, baby girl?” I take a plate from the cabinet. “We have eggs, bacon, and biscuits.”