Page 109 of Taint My Soul

“The things I wrote.” He whispers and lets me go. “Do you know how much it meant to me?”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t. I disregarded everything for you. You should have been honest with me. You know I saw the signs, but I just fucking ignored it.”

“And if I was honest with you, what would you have done?” I demand. “I heard you torture those men. I know what you do to men who cross you, and I’m not special because you want me.”

“Wanted.” He corrects.

“Then look into my eyes and tell me that you don’t want me anymore.”

He whips around and closes the gap between us until we are toe to toe. “I. Don’t. Want. You.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

SAINT

Ican’t do life anymore.

Same words my mother had said in silence. Same words she couldn’t get past her lips, not until she drove herself off a cliff. I spent years wondering why she did what she did, what had made her do it, how I could have helped protect her. But I never got an answer.

Now Mason’s right here in front of me, tearing himself apart, showing me every jagged piece of him because he’s exhausted.

And maybe my mother was, maybe she couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe she wanted to end it on her own terms.

Mason betrayed me. He almost took everything from me. I tore out my heart and handed it to him, and it meant nothing.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a shadow loom over your entire existence for your whole life. I have one as a father. He’s been there since the moment of my first cry, deciding everything about my life, deciding what’s right and wrong. Hell, I have always wondered what would happen if my father ever knew that he hadn’t saved his son by commanding him to kill the first man who’d made him feel warmth. I have carried that night my whole life, knowing full well that if I ever tried to commit myself to anyone or love anyone, Tobias King, mafia leader of the Black Viper Syndicate, would rain down fire and brimstone on me.

I understand him.

And I hate that I do.

I hate that he’s making me feel all these things. All these emotions that I have put aside my entire life. I hate that all week, he plagues my mind, even when I pretend he isn’t there.

I hate that he went through life always looking over his shoulder.

And I know the truth. If I cross this line again, I’m only setting us up for my father’s wrath.

“Go,” I tell him. “Please.”

“I can’t leave. Either I die here, or nothing else.”

“I can’t hurt you.” I retreat and hold back the tears clinging stubbornly to my lower eyelids. “I refuse to lay my hands on you.” I back him into the tree until his back lays flush against the rough bark.

“You’re not listening to me.”

“Mason. I gave you grace once. I won’t do it again.” I clench my teeth together and then my hands, doing everything within my power to stop myself from closing the gap between us. “I cannot give you what you wish for. Hell, I don’t want you to die. But you’re not supposed to be near me…” Feeling the things I feel digs a hollow ache of betrayal in my chest. I’m a disappointment to my family. To everything we are. “When you’re near me, I feel things.” My eyes meet his and watch the way his chest thunders for air. “I can’t feel things. I refuse to go back to that night.”

“But you said you don’t want me anymore. I’m not asking you to. I was a spy, Saint. I knew that wanting you came with consequences, and I still fucking did.”

“And do you regret that?” I demand. “Do you?” I pause and wait for a response. I should keep my thoughts aligned with getting rid of him, but my emotions are tugging me closer to him even though I fight it. His hands fidget at his sides. His gaze tracks the way my jaw tightens for an answer.

“No. I don’t think I’d ever forget how light I felt that night. It reminds me less of how broken I am.”

My heart breaks because I feel the same way too. Mason reminds me of the little good I have left in me. He’s seen me at my worst, but the way he looks at me has never changed.

Our eyes lock on each other. The tension doesn’t die with the silence. Neither of us looks away. His chest rises heavily with every breath, matching the rhythm of mine. My gaze drops briefly to his lips before snapping back to his eyes. Every breath I take while he’s this close is a betrayal to my family name. My stomach tightens painfully, yet I don’t avert my gaze from him. I lean in slowly. The distance between us collapses in a single breath as I take his lips in a velvet kiss.