Page 61 of Pay the Piper

“The nightmares…they’ve been gone for so long, but now they’re back. Not always just her. Sometimes the children, too. I just don’t understand how I can bring her into this.”

“You told her everything?”

Now, it’s my turn to roll my eyes.

“Not everything. But plenty. Enough to make sure she understands that I’m not a good man—”

“False.”

“And that what we do to make a living isn’t redeemable—”

“Well, we have our moments.”

“But she just kissed me. She was as supportive as I could have ever hoped for, and the relief I felt when she didn’t run from me screaming was a high I thought would last forever.”

“Hmm,” Mila says, so I continue, keeping my voice low as I purge more and more.

“Then,” I whisper darkly, “the doubt hit. It’s already stressful to have Thatcher’s life in my hands, though I’m happy to do it for you, and you know I love him. But to imagine anyone realizing she’s my weakness…I don’t know how I’d ever let her out of my sight. She’d resent me, eventually. It might not even take that long, once the honeymoon phase wears off. If she wants to go to the mall or anywhere without her security detail, she can’t. The freedom of her regular life would be over. She can’t understand the full ramifications of that until she lives it, and then all it would take would be one slipup for her to be taken from me.”

I leave the terror I feel for my future family unsaid, the tragic experience of Ellie’s family sitting like a bomb in my gut. Obviously, we all felt for their loss, but now that I’ve become obsessed with the thought of a family of my own…I was always just waiting for the right woman. The joke’s on me, though. There’s no right woman for a man with so much blood on his hands.

“Can I tell you something and then ask you a question?”

Huffing a laugh at the classic phrase we’ve always used to call each other on our bullshit, I gesture for her to continue.

“You’re spiraling. I think deep down, you know that. But look at me. You’re spiraling. Can you try to take a couple of breaths and really listen to what I’m about to say?”

I nod, taking a few deep breaths and bracing myself for her verdict.

“You’re right—”

Fuck, I knew it.

“About the portion of this where you’ll always worry for her safety. You will. I know firsthand that what you say is true. If she’s not with you, you’ll feel it. But, moya sila, you’re missing the bigger point. It’s worth it.”

“I don’t know—”

“Nope! You told me you’d really listen. It. Is. Worth it. And you know that you’re catastrophizing, right? Worst-case scenario. I know that the Santori situation has been weighing on you, but other factors were at play there.”

Ignoring my questioning brow, she continues.

“Instead of thinking of the worst cases, can you agree with me that those are just some of the ways your life could pan out? And that there’s an entire spectrum of possibilities on the other side, any of which is better than the ones you’re so afraid of?”

“You’re in therapy too much.”

“You need to pick it back up, apparently. But I’m serious. Of all the fears you have, we can’t erase them. You’re right that it’s unrealistic to have her by your side every hour of every day, although she might surprise you when you suggest it and be more amiable than you expect. As far as going places without security, have you asked her how she feels about it?”

“No, there wasn’t much time before we left on this trip—”

“So she might not be bothered by it. Some women would kill to have security and a driver every time they leave the house. It might make her feel safe even without considering any additional threats beyond the regular crazies out there. And even if it’s not her preference, once you talk to her, she’ll understand. Ellie’s her friend, right?”

Ellie. I didn’t even think about having her do a Bratva 101 for Abby. They’ve been attached at the hip.

“They’re two peas in a pod lately.”

“Exactly. Ellie can answer questions, take her shopping, and show her how discreet the detail is. They can do self-defense lessons together, all that shit. Just plan to have the evening off the first time you take her to the range.”

“Why?”