Page 60 of Pay the Piper

“Moya tsaritsa.” I try to say how much I’ve missed her, and how weird and wrong life has been, trying to figure life out without her. Then I stumble over my thoughts on how right life is now, and how, if I had Abby in my lap, like she does Thatcher, all would be right in the world. The four of us might have to occupy different wings of the same compound for the rest of time, so I can make sure the people I care about most are safe.

“I wish she were here too,” Mila says softly, reading everything I can’t find the words to say. “Will you make us some tea and then tell me all about her?”

A perfectly steeped cup of Earl Grey unlocks the peace I needed, and I try to be a good friend before unloading all the highs and lows of my personal life.

“How are things progressing?”

My oldest friend rolls her eyes, unimpressed with my attempts at small talk.

“Well, a bit slowly, and the details are very boring compared to the fact that it’s taken you less time than I could have ever imagined to accomplish the task that I set out for you.”

“Which was?”

“Falling in love.”

“You know, if you keep rolling your eyes, they might get stuck that way.”

“That wasn’t true thirty years ago, and it isn’t true now. Now, tell me about her.”

Another sip, if only to distract myself from the tears forming in my eyes.

“I love her.”

“That much is obvious,” my friend responds. “You’re glowing, moya sila. But what’s she like? Where’d you meet? I want to know all the things.”

Explaining how I met Abby is easy enough, and although I’m sure Mila has had men do her own digging into Abby’s background, she lets me tell her all about the background checks that have been triplicated at this point. The details of tension during my skating lessons, Abby’s humor and fearlessness when teasing me, and how deviously intelligent Abby is flow from me until I have to stop to take a breath.

“This is all I’ve wanted for you since I found Thatcher, you know,” she says softly. “I know how impossible it sounded when I tried to tell you, but now—”

“Now I know.”

Thatcher coos in his sleep and turns, dick flopping out onto his thigh before Mila rearranges his blanket.

“He wants to copy my piercing, you know.”

Another eye roll.

“I know. I told him that if I find out anyone else has had their hands on his dick, professional or not, they won’t have hands for long. I don’t think he’d like it, and he’s already so big—”

“Abby doesn’t struggle with mine,” I say with a wink.

“Well, good for her, but some of us are peri-menopausal, and we don’t need any extra girth down there, thank you very much.”

Squinting, I stare at my friend from head to toe, trying to see any signs of strain or fatigue. Other than looking sated from her reunion with Thatcher, she looks like the same rock-solid woman I’ve always known.

“Stop looking at me like I’m diseased. It’s hormones. I have a great doctor. I feel better than I ever have. You’re the one who, despite the happiness radiating from your pores, has bags the size of New Jersey under his eyes. Spill.”

“I…”

Downing the rest of my now cold tea, I place it gently onto the table, fighting the urge to hurl it at the wall. Bile rises in my throat as I confront the feelings I’ve done my damnedest to tamp down, knowing that if I could just make it here, to Mila, she’d know what to do.

“I’m so fucking scared.”

My voice is small, which is just as well, because if I wake Thatcher and he’s grumpy, I’ll be on Mila’s shit list.

“I love her, and she deserves better than me. She deserves better than to be dragged into the life we live, threatened at every turn…Abby’s got so much spirit, and she should be free to flit about and not have to look over her shoulder every week. As soon as I try to imagine our life together, I spiral into the worst-case scenarios, and it’s been increasingly impossible to sleep without her in my arms so I know she’s safe.”

Hot tears spill from my eyes, and Mila reaches across to hold my hand, shifting Thatcher, whose cock flops out again. With a huff, she adjusts his blanket and squeezes to signal me to continue. I feel better, speaking all of this into the world instead of allowing it to fester, oozing more darkness into my already black soul.