Page 67 of Client from Hell

“Lucifer, my virus starts whining when he leaves the room. I am coming to terms with having the same damned problem, and I’m the one who told him he could do whatever he wanted during the day as long as he wandered home and didn’t sleep around.” I shrugged. “I’m still trying to figure out why everyone thinks he’s not a great guy.”

“You forced him to show you his best, just as my darling forced me to show her my best. How he behaves with you is not how he behaves with everyone else. But, he has always valued those who do difficult things.”

“Difficult as in participating in being kidnapped, earning a degree, or some other form of heroic?”

“All of the above. Neither my darling nor her brother have degrees. They were not in a position to acquire them, and while their parents were good people, they instilled certain ethics that barred them both from pursuing higher education. This has been a regret of both of theirs, as they don’t feel they can venture out in the world to learn for the sake of learning. They pursue education from the fucking assholes in residence, but they idolize having a degree. It’s always been unobtainable for them.”

My mouth dropped open, and I was powerless to close it. After several minutes of spluttering while the Devil laughed at me, I managed to reply, “Are you serious?”

“Very. My darling was so happy with your conditions for your schooling. She’s been playing mother to Diana as she goes back to school and helping her, as she missed a lot of base education. I’ll likely have you tutor Diana in some fields, as her parents were rather resistant to proper education.”

“Diana needs tutoring? You can’t be serious. She’s so smart.”

“Oh, she’s a brilliant jewel, but she missed out on so much according to her. Science conflicted with religion, and she struggles with a lot, including history. A lot of history was erased or modified for her, so she has a lot to unlearn.”

Damn. “I can help her with tutoring, and if Jonas and Darlene want to go to school, there’s no reason they can’t. They could take courses at the same time I go, although they’d need a degree plan. I’m going to guess neither will have any problems paying for their education now.”

“No, but according to them, they haven’t earned it.”

“I will beat that out of them both.”

“I see your pursuit of education is even more serious than I initially believed.” Lucifer chuckled. “Don’t beat my wife too hard, but you are more than welcome to set her on her ass regarding her education.”

“Higher education isn’t required, but if she wants it, she should get it.”

“Mortal regrets tend to cling, even long after conversion. What will your mortal regrets be, I wonder?”

I considered my life, then, as I had little to lose and much to gain, I shrugged and replied, “I got to burn your house down before I went out, so I can’t really say I have any regrets.”

Lucifer bowed his head, lifted a hand, and massaged his forehead, heaving a sigh. “My brothers warned me I should stop playing games and peek, and they laughed at me while they did it. What have I brought into my house?”

“A pyromaniac?” I suggested. “Arsonist? Honestly, when I did it, I was hoping you’d come wipe me out from existence to spare me a long decline due to my cancer, but then stuff happened, and I had certain regrets.”

“As your punishment, I’m going to make Jonas feed for at least three weeks, where you will be his captive to do whatever he wishes. You’ve been driving my entire household crazy, and you were sitting there, knowing full well you were the arsonist?”

I held up my hands in surrender. “Jonas knows I did it.”

“Well, that explains why he’s lost his complete mind. He is probably crushing so hard on you over that he can’t even see straight right now. He loves nothing more than successfully pulling a prank on me. Burning my house down and damaging only my wallet? That is one of the ultimate pranks.” Lucifer straightened, and he regarded me with interest. “You even spared the fish. Why?”

“It wasn’t their fault you’re a dick.”

A split second later, I realized what I’d said and clapped my hands to my mouth.

Rather than blasting me from existence, the Devil snickered. “If I had a penny every time my darling reminded me of my tendency to be an asshole, I would be far wealthier than I am now. She has never attempted to burn one of our homes down, but she has threatened to break windows in the main manor. She’s demolished several sections of our homes, but she’s never burned one down. Right now, we have a lava moat because she thought it was funny. She likes punting fucking assholes into the moat when they piss her off.”

“Remind me not to upset Darlene.”

“She’ll only punt you into the lava after I’ve confirmed it won’t actually hurt you. Until I find out what a spicy pony with bite is, I’m assuming you’re not yet another pony with a tendency to play with fire.”

“I burned your house down,” I reminded him.

Lucifer heaved another sigh. “Obviously, I need to throw you at more life-threatening situations until you crack and shift. This is the only solution.”

“No.”

“Sandra, I want to know.”

Why me? What had I done to deserve the Devil at his worst? Oh, right. I’d burned his house down. “So go ask your father. You are not deliberately throwing me at even more life-threatening situations. I have had enough life-threatening situations for one month.”