Page 66 of Client from Hell

“After watching some guys dissect somebody, you don’t even blip on my horror meter. Sorry. Ask me again tomorrow.” I showed him my arm, which still had a collection of cuts, although they’d stopped bleeding. “They were so stupid I want to cry.”

“Why don’t you tell me all about it? None of the triggers to draw my attention were activated, so I’m assuming all they did were these cuts to judge your regeneration rates while keeping you drugged. Jonas is pacing trenches through my hells at this point. I tried to tell him you are a self-rescuing princess, but he isn’t in the mood to listen.”

“They used wing nuts, Lucifer. They used fucking wing nuts to close the manacles. I was kidnapped by fucking idiots.”

“You were kidnapped by those who did not anticipate you having a matured virus plus a heightened resistance to their drug cocktails. The instant they cut you, your virus went to work ridding your body of their drugs and addressing the cuts.” Taking hold of my arm, he examined my injuries, frowning. “They’ve had you for two days, in case you were curious.”

“No wonder my virus is whining.”

The Devil chuckled. “Just wait until I release Jonas’s ability to teleport. He’s been showing his wings all day. As such, my darling is showing her wings. Once he has taken steps to ensure your general health, you’ll get to see him in his prime. I’ll make sure food appears at the appropriate intervals, as a hunting incubus with something to prove doesn’t tend to remember the basics.”

“I brought you a present of data, and as they helpfully left their computer unlocked, I modified all of their data to include copy-pastes of medical studies from the internet along with some of my favorite classics I stole.”

“Most classics are no longer under copyright, so it’s not theft,” he replied.

I pointed at the tracker. “Did this thing work?”

“It did, yes. Honestly, I was hoping to discover what a spicy pony with bite is, but your display of competence did not meet any of the typical conditions required to induce a first shift. On one hand, I’m pleased with your display of competence, but on the other, I really want to know what a spicy pony with bite is.”

“Why not ask your father?”

“That would be admitting defeat, and I simply cannot lower myself to asking Him how he meddled with my intern.”

“Do you know what I do to stupid people, Lucifer?”

“I’m very curious to find out, honestly.”

“I spray them with a fire extinguisher before bludgeoning them to death or a near death state followed with slicing their throats.”

The Devil tossed back his head and laughed. “Do you know what Diana did when I set her loose in a lab?”

“What did she do?”

“She just lit everything that upset her on fire. While fitting her nature, she did not score many points for creativity. She also didn’t have the sense to do something to annoy me to summon me. I’m going to enjoy teasing her. Your summoning circle was very effective. Of course, it didn’t precisely force me to come to you, but after the first few horrific invocations of my name, I may have wanted to teach you a lesson. I managed to teach you absolutely nothing,” he complained.

“I had already seen that form,” I told him.

Lucifer’s expression darkened. “I had hoped your vision hadn’t progressed that far. My visages tend to scare potential interns away.”

His reaction, so genuine and human in its compassion, made me stop and consider everything that had happened since the courthouse. “Well, you are the Devil. I’m lacking sense, as I seem to forget how to fear you.”

“That was quite the surprise, yes. But my father probably foresaw my need long ago and made sure there was someone with the fortitude to become a spicy pony with bite—or whatever other forms he had in mind for your conversion.”

“They were all spicy in some form or another.”

Relaxing, Lucifer headed deeper into the house, waving for me to join him. In the kitchen, he held out a chair for me. “I’ll retrieve your stolen goods, and we’ll start going over them while we talk. It’s a good time to figure out your general place among the minions without the other minions hovering. Jonas could use some extra separation time. The idea is to make sure you two have good nights, not develop separation anxiety if you have to go away for a night or two.”

“Lucifer, there is a difference between being kidnapped and going on a business trip. He’s justified in being concerned, although I should probably remind him I was a willing participant. Do self-rescuing princesses get rewarded?”

“Separation anxiety in incubi manifests as territorialness, an unwillingness to allow their prey to escape, and a very exhausted partner.”

Did the Devil think I would complain about any of those things? I stared at him. “What’s the problem?”

“If being trapped for a week or two with a hungry, fretting incubus doesn’t bother you, there’s no problem beyond having an annoyed boss waiting for the incubus to settle his nerves.”

“But will my boss give me a week or two to calm the poor, hungry, and fretting incubus?”

Lucifer snickered. “Apparently, the spicy portion of spicy pony with bite involves your inclination to indulge with an incubus. You’re definitely going to have a spicy sex life if that’s your general approach to his separation anxiety.”