Page 6 of Client from Hell

“I can request verification you won’t become a spider. Are there any other species you would have severe issue with?”

“I wouldn’t mind becoming a unicorn, because there’s something highly appealing about stabbing somebody with a horn if they annoy me. I could cope with being a fierce sabretooth tiger, too. But as far as creepy-crawlies go, please no spiders. No flying cockroaches, either. You know what? Let’s just skip bugs.”

“Considering there are no known strains of insect or arachnid lycanthropes, you are likely safe, but I will inquire.” Marie flipped through the papers and pulled out three sheets, which she handed to me along with the pen. “You can write your request to avoid being turned into a creepy-crawly, and you may also write in your request to become a unicorn or a sabretooth tiger, although there are no strains of either as far as I’m aware.”

The first sheet served as a waiver for the hospital, claiming I understood I might leave the place dead rather than alive as a result of the experimental treatment process. I signed off on it, and in the comments section below, I requested all of my various bits be given to research hospitals or whatever institution might require bits of some human for medical training or study. The second sheet acknowledged if I survived, I would be leaving the hospital with the lycanthropy virus and would need to abide by all rules and regulations involving those infected with lycanthropy. On that sheet, I made a notation of my dislike of creepy-crawlies and my interest in unicorns and sabretooth tigers. As I was on a roll, I also listed a few species of dinosaur, foxes, honey badgers, and the slow loris, a rather venomous mammal capable of killing humans with its bite. As I was venturing in the badass and lethal category, I also added some mythical creatures, include a phoenix, a kitsune, and a dragon.

With nothing to lose and the ability to breathe fire to gain, I figured adding wishlist species counted as fair play.

When Marie reviewed my notes, she laughed. “Slow loris? What’s that?”

“They’re big-eyed little primates, they’re ridiculously cute, and if they do bite, they can kill people. They don’t usually bite people, but exotic animal traders are careful and take precautions. The bite can cause anaphylactic shock in people. Unfortunately, they will bite each other, and they’ll often die as a consequence. The wounds will fester. They’re a common target of animal smugglers and the illegal animal trade, but you really don’t want one as a pet, no matter how cute they are. Worse, to stop people from being killed when bitten, the illegal traders pull their teeth out. It’s pretty awful. It’s one of those species that just belongs in the wild.”

“Well, I learned something new today. You like animals?”

“I fucking love animals,” I informed the woman.

“Then you likely don’t see many downsides to the lycanthropy virus, do you?”

“The whole mate business is a little off-putting, but as far as disadvantages go, it could be worse. While I tend to be a one-man woman, I’m trying to become an attorney. Do attorneys have time for love lives and men? Or even a man?”

Marie laughed. “I’m sure you could find time if you met a good one. But there’s nothing in the rulebook stating you can’t corner an incubus and have your way with him. Any incubus who can show his wings is capable of handling a lycanthrope without forming a mating bond. That’s something we’re trained to disclose. Now, we’re also told we need to disclose your virus absolutely can tame an incubus with sufficient exposure. Unless you want to keep an incubus, the CDC recommends you limit your flings to single evenings. Repeated exposure to the same incubus might result in you having to put up with the incubus for a while, and there is evidence an incubus will become monogamous when under the repeated influence of an active lycanthropy virus. There’s at least one documented case of a succubus having been caught by a lycanthrope.”

Huh. “I could actually catch an incubus? Permanently?”

“The lycanthropy virus is quite potent, and it can override even an incubus’s base tendencies.”

How interesting. “Medically, how much exposure would an incubus actually require to be tamed by a lycanthrope? I mean, incubi are pretty in demand.” According to the magical biology courses I’d taken in high school, incubi made excellent fathers, especially when tamed over the long term. They had a tendency to stray if not kept well-fed, a problem lycanthropes wouldn’t have, as one of the consequences of the lycanthropy virus in women involved a heightened desire for her man.

Marie went to the door and pulled out the digital tablet they used for medical referencing, and she unplugged it from its charger before bringing it over to my bed. She sat on the chair beside me and tapped at the screen. “This is preliminary data only, but according to the CDC’s files, it is believed it would take a contagious virus the equivalent of twenty hours of intercourse for the virus to take root in an incubus. Two evenings with an incubus is thought to be sufficient, but according to this, it hasn’t been sufficiently tested. A bond can be formed in a single day if the lycanthrope is caught by a hungry incubus or succubus, although most demons and devils usually manage to calm their hunger before the bond can take hold. The CDC also has a notation that lycanthropes are ideal for feeding starved incubi or succubi, as they can handle more vigorous attention. The CDC offers twenty thousand for the risk involved with becoming potentially mated to a demon in extreme circumstances.”

“Wait. I could be paid how much to do what with an incubus?”

“The standard CDC fee to feed a starved demon is twenty thousand due to the potential risk of a mating bond plus the inability to leave the situation until the demon has been fed.” Marie tapped the screen. “According to this, there have been no instances of a hired lycanthrope complaining about being the partner of a demon for a period of twelve to eighteen hours. There was one hospitalization of a lycanthrope due to a demon. This resulted in a bonded pair, and the lycanthrope, a wolf female, emerged from the incident quite happy to be bonded to her incubus. That couple is still together, and they have six children. If you would like to discuss the situation with them, there is a note in the file stating they welcome communication from lycanthropes interested in assisting the CDC in feeding starved demons.”

“I have a question. How do these demons get starved in the first place? Aren’t they apex predators? Most work at brothels, don’t they?”

“There are those who hunt demons for sport and keep them as pets, and the ones that have menageries take precautions. The demons go hungry while put on display for the enjoyment of those operating and using the black market. The CDC then needs to feed the demons that are rescued from the black market, although this resource states the Devil can be called to retrieve the demons—or devils—as needed.”

“The Devil actually retrieves them if starved?” I blurted.

“Yeah, that surprised me too.” After tapping on the screen a few more times, Marie said, “According to the CDC’s statistics, there are five to ten incidents of a starved demon requiring CDC care and a volunteer.”

“Are they really volunteers if they’re being paid?”

Marie giggled. “The twenty thousand dollars is nice, but I mean, I would not need to be paid to do that work. I’m single, and for me, there’s nothing worse than an okay date followed with disappointment in bed. There’s no date with the demons, I’m guessing, but there’s not going to be any disappointment, that’s for sure!”

“Do you think an incubus would make an expensive husband?”

Marie narrowed her eyes and eyed the tablet with interest. “I don’t know, but now I’m rethinking everything I thought about lycanthropy infections and if it might be worth it to catch an incubus permanently. I am so tired of bad dates.”

I had gone on a few bad dates in high school, figured out the boys wanted sex and little else, and I hadn’t wanted to play those games, so I’d skipped the sex and ditched the boys the instant they’d gotten too pushy. I could have gone to the parties, but I’d been more interested in making sure I hadn’t wasted my chance to get an education and mitigate the worst of my expenses through maintaining my grades so I wouldn’t lose any scholarship money.

I could buy sex any day of the week, but I couldn’t magically make student loan debt disappear—and I’d have a lot of debt assuming I made it through my cancer treatments alive and could finish school.

“Bad dates are pretty horrible,” I agreed. I checked over the last page, which confirmed I was really, really aware I might die as a result of the treatments. “How long to get this show on the road?”

Marie turned off the tablet, collected the signed papers, and reviewed something on my clipboard. “We should be able to get the strain donation today, so we’ll start treatments tonight. We’ll have to check blood types, the health of the donor, and so on. If the donor has a compatible blood type, we’ll be able to do a proper transfusion, something you could use thanks to your cancer treatments, anyway. It’ll add a few hours if we have to extract the virus from their blood.”