Page 19 of Client from Hell

“He does seem quite unreasonable. How flustered did he get when you stole his wallet?”

“It was pretty amazing. I thought he’d finally blow smoke out of his ears after the first twelve hours of being absolutely certain he’d left his wallet in his office. I mean, he had. It’s not my fault he left his office unattended with the door open and the wallet in plain sight. My fingers got itchy, so I helped myself. I rewarded myself with a twenty for having successfully stolen his wallet, and then I tossed it in the fridge, after making sure I inventoried everything in it, in case someone else found the wallet first. I may have stolen one of my sister’s little love notes and slipped it in with his cash while I was at it. I don’t see why people think I should resist temptation. Lucifer didn’t turn me into an angel. I’m a demon, and I have a reputation to maintain.”

As Jonas wouldn’t be maintaining his reputation through his sexual exploits, I could understand how indulging in a little evil might appeal to him. “You let him off lightly. Only a twenty?”

“He didn’t have that much on him, and he usually keeps cash for disgustingly benevolent deeds, so I didn’t want to clean him out.”

Apparently, the incubus was inflicted with goody-goody tendencies, which meant I needed to take care about mentioning anything to do with my magic.

Then again, would the Devil punish or reward me for having burned his little mansion down? Time would tell—or not.

I would hope for not, as an extended lifespan hadn’t been on my agenda when I’d lit the first match.

“Honestly, I’m confused. Lucifer doesn’t exactly strike me as a malevolent being. He’s an annoying being, but he doesn’t seem malevolent.”

“Oh, he can be plenty malevolent. Making me a monogamous incubus is malevolence of the highest order. I’m basically the laughingstock of his hells, and the bastard knows it. It beats the alternatives, but he went slightly overboard with my conversion. He takes more care now—and he’s far more careful when picking species for his newest targets.” Jonas frowned and regarded the papers before staring at the IV pumping me full of some lycanthrope’s blood. “Would you prefer if I read the documents to you?”

“Spare us both the headache.” I held out my sole available hand for the sheets. “One paper at a time so I don’t have to juggle them, and if someone didn’t send a notepad with you for questions or modification requests, there should be some scraps of paper or something in the pile near the door.”

Jonas passed over the first sheet, and I read over the internship proposal, which boiled down to upgrades of everything I had requested, a horse capable of surviving in the Devil’s many hells, as I would require transportation between the various residences, a residence in hell, a permanent residence in a location of my choice just about anywhere on Earth, a vehicle to be parked at the permanent residence of my choice, all the education my greedy little heart could want, enough money I questioned if I needed the education at all, and legal representation should I ever require it.

It took pressing my lips together to keep from cackling over the offer of legal representation. “How good is his legal representation, anyway?”

“Lucifer is a disgustingly good attorney when he wants to be. Don’t let him trick you. He goes to the courts on Earth to keep an eye on the current times and the law. If he’s playing attorney, I wish the mortals luck winning a case against him, and that’s even if they bring in archangels. The offer of representation is a good one. I suggested that, as I’ve had more than my fair share of incidents. I get representation grudgingly, because Lucifer would be embarrassed if his brother-in-law got into trouble.”

“Yet Kanika gets into trouble all of the time.”

Jonas snickered. “That poor girl just can’t help it. It’s simple, Sandra. Kanika is absolutely incapable of sensibly showing affection to most people. So, Lucifer tries to be a good father for her, she gets flustered, and while she’s flailing, something inevitably gets broken. Then she gets even more flustered. Lucifer is an empath when he wants to be—he needs to be able to tell how the fucking assholes tick. So, when his attention flusters her in a good way, he shows her more of what’s making her happy. But this ultimately results in property damage. Here’s a good example. Lucifer took her to a car dealership, because he wanted her to have something nice that was hers and not Malcolm’s. She fell in love with a car, and Lucifer said it was hers. She got so flustered she about entered orbit, shifted into one of her larger forms, and did a significant amount of damage to the car she loved as a result. For the record, Lucifer bought the car at full price, paid for it to be restored to like new, and gave it to her. She cried, and she gets seriously embarrassed when she cries, so she did what startled cats do. She ran. Unfortunately, he gave her the car after dinner in Athens, and she ran right out into traffic, thus creating a traffic accident and damaging even more cars. Some of the court cases were settlements about that.”

My mouth dropped open at the source of my woes. “He was trying to buy her a present?”

“Yep. That’s it, that’s all. He was trying to show her he cared by getting her something she liked. This crap happens all of the time. And then they fight because they like it. Really, living in the same household with Lucifer is a treat. There’s so much drama, and I’m not the one causing it.”

“Except with your whining,” I muttered.

“That’s all on Lucifer. I didn’t ask him to make me among the most dedicated of men. After my conversion, I tried to be a proper incubus. I about threw up on my second date. It turns out I have a cooldown period between women. I do not handle rebounds well. Of course, I will deny that should such an accusation be leveled in my direction. I have some pride.”

“Have you tried burning Lucifer’s house down? I mean, that sounds like an offense worthy of some arson.” Shit. I eyed the IV, wondering if there’d been something other than some lycanthrope’s blood lurking in the line, removing my ability to control my mouth. “That wasn’t a nice thing of me to suggest.”

Jonas cleared his throat. “No, but lately, that’s only because someone beat me to the chase. The main house is in the heart of a lava field, so it’s invulnerable to fire. Let me tell you, though. Lucifer has a serious crush on the arsonist. I do not envy the poor bastard once Lucifer gets his hands on him.”

“His hands?” I asked, hoping the incubus viewed me as curious rather than guilty. I also found it promising that Jonas didn’t question my suggestion of arson.

Then again, in Athens, the Devil always made the news.

“Diana worked some practitioner magic because Lucifer refused to peek. He likes rewarding ballsy humans, and it doesn’t get much ballsier than that. As such, he’s determined to find the arsonist the good old-fashioned way. That’s actually one of our errands once you’re released from here. We’re to go have a look at the site and see if we can find anything. I figure he just thinks you could use some country air and is using a visit to his burned-out mansion as an excuse. Diana was able to get a basic description, but she wasn’t able to pierce the arsonist’s shroud. That revved Lucifer’s engine, because he always needs people capable of making shrouds—and shrouding is some pretty significant magical work.”

No kidding. I’d worked long and hard to make sure nobody could figure out I’d torched the place. “Wait. Lucifer wants to reward the arsonist?”

“The arsonist was that brilliant. From what Diana could tell, there was zero actual malevolence from the arsonist. She speculates it was possibly a mercenary hit, but an ethical mercenary did the job. There was evidence the arsonist had checked for living beings inside. We’d just emptied the house because the chain of court cases were done, so Lucifer wanted to head home for a while. So, outside of some random stuff nobody will really miss, it was just a house. It was an expensive hit, but it was harmless.”

“Arson is harmless?” I blurted.

“Realistically, the only thing actually attacked was Lucifer’s wallet—and Lucifer really respects successful assaults on his wallet.”

I eyed the paper I held before handing it over so I could check over the next sheet. “The more I learn, the more I believe Lucifer is even crazier than I thought.”

“Running the hells is hard on a man. I respect Lucifer a lot for what he handles. Honestly, I had a lot of reservations about my sister falling in with him, but he’s the best thing to ever happen to her—and I’m pretty sure she’s the best thing to have happened to him. Darlene wants everyone to be as happy as she is, and as her brother, I get the lion’s share of her attention if she’s not working on another project. For that, I’ll apologize in advance. Should we pursue a relationship founded solely on evening trysts, that will drive her insane, as she knows I need to feed but wants me to enjoy the rest of the benefits of a relationship. Once you’re out of the hospital and healing, we can discuss an arrangement, but I prefer my women to be completely sober when making decisions like that.”