Page 18 of Client from Hell

“Diana did, but I’m guessing that’s the same thing.”

“It really is.”

I almost felt sorry for the guy. “Let’s get down to business. If you were a student in the legal world, would you accept the job offer in that briefcase?”

Jonas laughed. “I’d put some serious thought into it, and I’d be putting serious thought into it because I know my brother-in-law. Without my extensive experience dealing with him, I’d probably accept it without hesitation. Darlene asked me to sanity check the offer, and I made a few recommendations to sweeten the deal for you. Lucifer would rather not dance around all day about getting you in his employ, although he’s willing to. He’s edgy because you haven’t been secured yet, and when he’s edgy, he makes everyone around him miserable.”

“And he dresses you in his clothes, apparently.”

“I was going to wear good jeans and a nice shirt, and this offended His Sulfurous Majesty.” Jonas huffed. “Rather than let me go back to my own damned room and wear something else, I got ambushed. Frankly, I’m a dream in jeans, and I was thinking about your happiness. I’ve learned women who are in hospitals enjoy when the men visiting them look appealing. I’m just as good in jeans as I am in a suit.”

I took my time admiring him. “That’s really good advice. Who gave it to you?”

“One of Lucifer’s nephews, who is part incubus. He was visiting his wife in the hospital before they got together, and he had worn jeans since it was his day off. He discovered she gets really hot and bothered when he wears jeans. He kept her amused dressing in various outfits for her while she was ill. He’s almost as much of a prankster as I am at times, so he also tested to find out which outfits she hated the most.” Jonas placed the briefcase on his lap, opened it up, and pulled out a thick stack of papers. “Before you worry, it’s three copies of the same agreement, as Lucifer is really hopeful you’ll like it and want to sign. He’s already signed all of the copies, so if you agree, you just sign, keep one for yourself, Lucifer will keep one, and one will be sent to your school. The one sent to your school is modified so that it only includes the education agreements, the lodging agreements, the travel agreements, a line stating it was a paid internship and you were being compensated a minimum of twenty dollars an hour, and the provisions for tech and attire. Lucifer did not want your full package disclosed to some academics who might try to make your life miserable. They will if given a chance. We’ve discovered that with Diana.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“They keep trying to scalp her on the costs for her credits. She has shot down those attempts every time, but Lucifer is well-aware of mortal greed.” Jonas shrugged. “He’s a dick, but he usually means well, at least when his family is concerned.”

“And since you’re Darlene’s brother, you’re family.”

“Technically, I’m not. Let’s just say He played around with Darlene’s genetics, so while we have the same parents, we don’t actually share the same genes. This is something that bothers the hell right out of Darlene, and she heads upstairs once a month to cry at Him over having removed our parents’ genetic contributions to her general existence. He just reminds her family is where the heart is, and Lucifer backs Him, which gets the entirety of the hells agitated, because those two aren’t supposed to agree on anything. She’s my sister, and I don’t care what the blood tests say.”

I wondered what it would be like to have a brother or sister, although I would never blame my parents for not having another child. Between my various exploits and destructive tendencies, they hadn’t been able to realistically afford even me, although they’d made it work somehow. “He?”

“Yahweh as modern folks tend to pronounce it. The God of Christianity. Usually, we just say He or Him. Don’t ask me why. Last time I used Yahweh, Lucifer cuffed my ears for being too familiar. He is literally one of my in-laws, and I still get my ears cuffed. But, as Lucifer isn’t here to stop me, Yahweh. It’s just consonants in the original Hebrew version of the Bible, but if He wants to be named, we tend to use Yahweh. You won’t see Him, though, not unless Diana is around to help out. He is really cautious around mortals.”

“Am I at much risk of actually meeting Him?”

“Unfortunately. He meddles almost as much as Lucifer does. Or fortunately, if you happen to be devout.”

If I happened to be devout? Had nobody thought to look into what I believed in? Or did Lucifer simply not care? “Would Lucifer actually go after someone who is devout?”

“Absolutely. It amuses him.”

“Well, I’m not precisely devout, but I’ve gone to church a few times. I have no urges to go back to church, although I do like some of the Christmas celebrations. Those are pretty cheerful and nice, and the plays are cute.”

“I sometimes sneak to a church to watch the plays. Some of them are absolutely hysterical. This Christmas, I would be pleased to help you go to a prime viewing. I’ll ask one of the other in-laws to tell me which one is most likely to produce hilarity. We’ll have a great time.”

“And they don’t mind a demon going to their Christmas celebrations?”

Jonas grinned. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

I suspected his friendly, outgoing exterior hid some form of dark interior, but would he be more like sinfully delicious chocolate or something less pleasant? Tar would match well for his home in the Devil’s many hells, but I’d hope for chocolate—and that his flaws were more like pieces of broken almonds mixed in with his chocolate rather than the whole almonds.

I loathed when I got broken almonds in my chocolate bars, but I ate them anyway.

“Your sister seems to think you’re severely flawed. Diana agrees, based on you opting to hide Lucifer’s wallet behind Darlene’s milk. Personally, I don’t see what’s wrong with them. Pranks are entertaining, and that seems fairly harmless as far as pranks go.”

“If he hadn’t left his wallet out unattended, I wouldn’t have moved it into my sister’s office, hiding it behind her milk. Honestly, they’re mad at me because I tricked Lucifer into blaming Darlene for something I did. Once they realized I was the aggressor, I paid for it.” Jonas sighed, gesturing to the duffle bag. “This is part of my payment. I was ordered to, while wearing my brother-in-law’s clothes, go buy games suitable for two players, get your signature on these papers, and keep you entertained for the rest of the day. That’s only the beginning of my punishment.”

I raised a brow. “I mean, I guess having to babysit a not-quite-dead chick with no hair is a bit of a punishment. I already miss my hair. It used to be blonde and pretty long, and I could make it curl nicely when I wanted.”

“Hair restoration is not beyond Lucifer. You can stipulate he attend to your hair needs as part of your contract.”

“That’s okay. I already asked my dad about it. He knows somebody, and it makes him feel useful. In the meantime, I’ll cope or wear a wig. And I don’t need Lucifer to scalp some blonde for her hair.”

Jonas snorted. “He just might, too.”