Page 39 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Just put the glass part against your ear. It’s a phone, it’s just oddly shaped. I cheat.”

“How did you cheat this time?”

“Advanced production, and I fully intend on bargaining with some idiot human to develop these sooner in the mortal world so I don’t have to keep cheating to have half-decent technology.” The Devil put the phone into my hand. “This is the top, and it goes near your ear.”

“But it won’t reach my mouth.”

“It doesn’t need to. Just hold that part to your ear and talk like normal. He’ll be able to hear you.”

Considering my landline had enough trouble, I had my doubts, but I held the device as directed and said, “Hey, Michael.”

“Darlene,” the archangel replied. “Is my brother bothering you?”

“He brought me an iced coffee, so no. I owe him two spot counts because I decided it was nap time when I got home, and he seems to want to indulge in spot counting while I’m conscious.”

“It does tend to be more entertaining for him if his partner is conscious.”

“That’s something. What can I do for you?”

“Did you handle the flowers given to you?”

“Only long enough to put them into a vase. I opted against sniffing them.”

“They are poisoned,” the archangel announced. “The delivery service has been given the antidote, but you will begin experiencing symptoms within the next day. Your target plans to use your worsening condition to gain your compliance.”

“Well, that’s rude.”

“It is a rather lethal toxin with a slow onset. By the time of your meeting date, you will be quite ill. The envelope you received was likewise contaminated, but you had minimal exposure due to the care you took. I have been monitoring the situation.”

“Well, that’s really rude. Not you, but him.”

The archangel chuckled. “It is quite rude of him, indeed. In good news, there is an antidote, but he intends to deceive you by giving you a less potent antidote to make you reliant on him.”

“That sounds like a damned good reason to send him to fucking hell in a handbasket.”

“What is it with mortals and going to pay me visits in baskets? What is with your obsession with baskets? I do not understand why mortals insist on coming to me in a basket. Where would you find one large enough? Why a basket? If you’re going to visit me, you should at least travel in comfort.”

I stared at the Devil. “Really?”

“What? What is it with you mortals and baskets? Really. I want to know.”

“Handbaskets are pretty and usually used to send gifts, I guess. I don’t know. It’s just a saying. Go sniff the poisoned flowers if you want to have a reason to whine.”

“Did you just suggest my brother should go poison himself?” Michael blurted.

“Why not? It’s not like it’s going to kill him or anything. I’m sure he’ll just want to whine.” I went to the roses, wrinkling my nose. To all appearances, they seemed normal enough. “There’s nothing obvious on them.”

“That is because he took care to disguise it. He spritzed them with water with the colorless substance, so it dried onto the flowers and wrapper. Should you touch the roses and rub your fingers, you will feel the toxin.”

Well, since I’d already gotten poisoned somehow, I obeyed, and I rubbed my fingers together after rubbing one of the big blossoms. Sure enough, something a little sticky but otherwise invisible clung to my fingers. “And it’s absorbed through the skin?”

“Yes, and it has a minor aerial radius, so if it came too close to your face, you could breathe it in. It is a rather illegal substance… or will be soon enough. Your sickness will be what makes it illegal, should you opt to turn evil into good.”

“Sure. What’s a little suffering?”

“You are such a curious being.”

The Devil eyed the roses. “These were poisoned?”